


Secret

by Dmarie1985



Category: Josh Hutcherson - Fandom
Genre: Actors, F/M, Josh Hutcherson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-04 10:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 79,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dmarie1985/pseuds/Dmarie1985
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Text in italics is a flashback</p></blockquote>





	1. Enjoy the taste I leave in your mouth

I look over my pile of clothes and shoes once more before placing everything in my suitcase. My older brother has been standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, looking around my almost empty room for the last 5 minutes. “Do you have everything?” He asks. I nod in reply, letting out a nervous sigh before zipping up my bag.

“Tay, are you sure you want to do this? I can make a few calls and get you on a different project. I know as soon as he sees you...” 

“No!” I snap and roll my eyes at how annoyingly protective he is. “Dave, would you stop worrying about me? I’ll be fine. Odds are, I won’t even see him. There will be so many people there, he won’t even look twice in my direction.”

“If he goes near you, I swear I’m flying to Atlanta and slitting his throat,” he warns. I can just imagine Dave storming onto the set, grabbing a prop weapon and slitting Josh’s throat and I start to chuckle. 

“You’re pathetic,” I remark, wheeling my suitcase and handing it to him. “Do I look ok?” I ask, smoothing out my light blue tank top. 

“You should probably put something on over that. Besides, you don’t need to worry about how you look Taylor. You’re going to do work, not to impress people. Especially not Josh.” 

“I know! My god! I just don’t want to walk on set looking like I just rolled out of bed,” I scoff and walk past him into the hallway. 

“Just don’t fall into his trap Tay, I’m serious. I know how you get when it comes to him and you know damn well that when he wants something, he gets it.” He replies, following me out to the car.

Dave doesn’t trust my judgement, and I understand that, but I’m stronger now than when I was the last time I saw Josh Hutcherson. In the year that has passed, I’ve taught myself to not cave at the sight of him, to stop answering his numerous calls and text messages and to stop myself from letting him break my heart over and over again. 

When I met Josh on the set of The Hunger Games last year, I was shadowing Dave while he worked in production. I fell the moment I saw him. His beautiful hazel eyes were the first thing to capture me, and then he smiled at me and I was a goner. 

Since that day, my life has never been the same. Josh made me become someone I didn’t know I could be. My addiction to him was toxic and I promised myself that no matter what, this time around, I was going to avoid him like the plague. 

 

The anxiety starts to hit me when Dave is pulling up to the curb at LAX and I take in a deep breath through my nose to try to settle my nerves.

“You’re 100% sure about this?” Dave asks with his arm draped over the steering wheel. I nod and lean in to give him a hug goodbye and promise to call when I get to Atlanta.

While waiting for my luggage to come around on the conveyor belt, I hear the familiar clicks of paparazzi cameras not far from where I'm standing and my pulse suddenly becomes rapid as I think about the possibility of it being him. My palms start to sweat as I see a group of cameramen and fans make their way towards me, surrounding the mystery person. The second I spot a Cincinnati Reds hat, I don't even think twice about my bag before running to the bathroom before he has a chance to see me. Even if I told Dave I'd be fine, I'm still not completely confident in myself that I won't cave the second I see his face. 

The next two days go by without seeing him at all, but there is a lot of talk about him around the set.   
_"Josh will be standing on the x-mark when Camera 1 pans around.”  
“That's Josh's jacket, go hang it up.”  
“Go make sure Josh's trailer is stocked with enough coconut water."  
“Josh will be coming tomorrow.”_  
His name is like a trigger and whenever someone says it, I stop what I'm doing and my mind takes me back to the last time I was screaming his name in bed.

 

The 2nd full day is almost finished and Francis Lawrence makes his first appearance to check out the handy work of the production crew and I’m starstruck shaking his hand because I’m such a huge fan of his. He pulls everyone together for a quick meeting to review the process over the next few days. Table readings, costume fittings, lighting tests, cast and crew kick-off dinner and tons more are happening before shooting even starts.

Once the meeting ends, I’m standing around in a circle of production staff waiting for dinner to be set up and notice that the air is suddenly different. Much darker than it was before he arrived. I hear people behind me introducing themselves to someone and I don’t even need to turn my head, because I can smell him. 

Even after a year, I still remember the scent of his body. I should know after all the nights I spent with him. He’s so close to me that all I want to do is run, but my feet are locked in place. He breezes past me, tossing a somewhat friendly grin and I have to remind myself to breathe.

“Hi Taylor,” he mutters under his breath before walking away. Oh god, just the sound of his voice is enough to make me go weak in the knees. I find myself craving to hear him moan my name right before he comes, like he did so many times before. It’s almost sickening the kind of hold he has over me. But then I remember what he did to me, how he treated me like I was just a walking sex toy and I snap out of my trance and back to reality.

“Fuck you Josh," I greet back proudly with a fake smile and he shakes his head. To the people who played witness to our brief interaction, I may seem like I have it together but on the inside, I’m screaming, and Josh knows it. He knows that I'm just as weak as the first day I ever met him, and he plays that to his advantage. 

I hear a few “ooohs” behind me, but I don’t really care. I want to just call him out on all his shit right there in front of everyone, but I stop myself abruptly before I can open my mouth. There’s something about the look he has on his face that shuts me up.

 

Later in the evening, I’m sitting at a table with a few other production staff, attempting to listen to the conversation, but seeing Josh again brings me back to another time, when I was so naive and gullible and would fall for anything that came out of his mouth. 

_“Oh Taylor you feel so good!” He grunts as his eyes roll into the back of his head while he continues to slam in and out of me, hitting every nerve in my body until I can no longer see straight. His skin is salty when I bite down on the flesh of his shoulder, trying to muffle my cries as my insides twist and turn with every movement of his cock. I want this. All of this. Every inch of his body is like a new drug that I need to swallow in order to cling on to life._

“Taylor, what’s with you and Josh? You guys have some kind of history?” Caroline, the girl who I’m sharing an apartment with, nudges my arm and almost scares me half to death. I glance over to his table where he’s laughing at something with Francis and one of the writers and I can’t help but roll my eyes at the way he claps his hands when he thinks something is really funny.

“Not anymore. My advice would be to stay as far away from him as possible. He’s a dick,” I blurt, taking a drink of my root beer and never taking my eyes off Josh. 

I get up from the table to throw away my plate and am browsing through the dessert table when my phone chimes in my pocket for a text message from a number I don’t recognize.

**You want to tell me what the fuck that was back there?**

I feel my face get hot like I’m a kid about to get in trouble by my parents or something and write back. **Who is this?**

 **Come on, you know damn well who this is.** I look around the room and see Josh standing in a corner glued to his phone. He looks up at me and raises his eyebrows, waiting for my response. 

**Ugh...I can’t do this with you.** I write back and sternly shake my head at him and watch as he reads my message. He types something back and looks up at me again.

 **So I’m really an asshole, huh?**

**Yeah. And I’m not playing this game with you anymore. I’m done getting fucked around Josh.** I watch him grin as he reads my response.

 **You’re so sexy when you talk dirty.** He writes back, changing the subject. He watches me with a smirk on his face and I feel myself breaking down before his eyes.

 **I hate you so much.** Is all I can think to write back.

 **Yeah I bet you do. Which is why you’ll end up in my hotel room later.** My mouth drops when I see his response.

**You don’t stand an ice cube’s chance in hell.**

**Yeah, ok. I’m in room 1218 for when you change your mind.**


	2. It's like I can't breathe without you inside of me

Calvin Harris’ voice blares through the crowded bar and all I can think about is pure sex when I hear him sing, “I feel so close to you right now, its a force field.” I can’t pay attention to the people I’m hanging out with because since I saw Josh earlier, my mind has been running in every possible direction. I spent the first hour of the night looking around the bar after I got there, just hoping Josh would be there too, but I gave up, figuring it was better this way. At least I would stay away from him. 

I’ve been sitting at the bar for a few minutes, drumming my fingers on the wooden surface, waiting to buy Caroline and I another round. My phone, which is sitting on the bar next to me begins vibrating and lights up. “UNKNOWN NUMBER” flashes on the screen and I’m almost tempted to answer it, hoping that it’s Josh calling, but I let it go to voicemail instead. Caroline walks up next to me and finally gets the bartender’s attention while I press the voicemail button on my phone. Bringing it to my ear to listen to the message, I plug my other ear with my finger, trying to drown out the background noise from the bar.

“Hey Taylor, I hope you actually listen to this and don’t ignore me. I wanted to call and see if maybe you wanted to talk.” My heart leaps into my throat when I recognize that it is Josh. My nerves start racing and my skin begins to tingle. His voice is husky and a bit slurred and I’m instantly turned on by it. “I gotta admit, seeing you earlier....man, I really missed you. I’m not sure how to say this.” 

My face heats up as the message continues and Caroline notices the shit eating grin I now have plastered on my face and she’s intrigued. “I want you so bad it hurts to even think about,” he continues and I try my best to pretend like it’s someone less important leaving me a message so Caroline doesn’t suspect anything. “Anyways, I’m in my hotel room, I just got back from going out and if you want to come up, just let the guard on my floor know when you get off the elevator. I’ll let him know to expect you. I really hope you come because I want to see you. Alright, bye.”

I hang up the phone and slide it into my bag, my face is still red and I’m overjoyed with excitement that Josh wants to see me, and he sounded so sincere about it. But then I’m overcome with insecurity about the whole thing. What if he’s lying? What if he plays me again? I decide to sit on it the rest of the night and if I feel right about it, I’d go see him later.

At 2am, I’m almost three sheets to the wind and can barely comprehend where my and Caroline’s room is. We meander through the halls of the quiet hotel, laughing at the ugly pictures on the walls as if we’re in an art gallery. She’s not as drunk as I am and leads me to our room so we can turn in for the night. She goes into the bathroom and while I’m trying to sort through my suitcase to find comfortable clothes to change into, Josh comes back into my obliterated mind. His voice repeats over and over in my head. _“I want you so bad it hurts to even think about.”_

 _Just go, see what he wants._ My subconscious tells me. _Go now before you change your mind_. I listen to myself and take a deep breath, closing my eyes, and open them in front of the mirror to observe my appearance before pulling the hotel room door open and hollering to Caroline that I’ll be back soon. 

I stumble out into the hallway, run to the elevator and press the UP button. My nerves begin running wild when I shuffle into the cart, thinking of what I’m going to say to Josh. Just as I expected, a guard is standing outside of the elevator doors when I reach the 12th floor and he stands up when I walk out, thinking I’m some crazy obsessed drunk Hunger Games fan trying to stalk Peeta and Katniss. 

“Hi, I’m Taylor, Josh is expecting me.” I say, fumbling with the hem of my shirt. The guard nods with a smile and leads me down a corridor, jingling his keys in his hands. I fold my arms and wait for him to unlock a white door. He stands to the side, holding the door open for me with a friendly smile as I walk past him into the darkened room.

Once I close the door behind me, all I can hear are the sounds of a muffled television coming from the next room and rushing water coming from the bathroom. Josh is nowhere to be found but his clothes are strewn everywhere. There’s a light on in the bathroom and I see a shadow moving under the door. I want to knock but stop myself before I get the chance, in fear of making myself look weak.

I saunter around the room, running my fingertips over the soft comforter and 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets of the unmade bed. I pick up a couple books that are sitting on the top of the dresser along with a few packets of papers stapled together. I see a black leather jacket resting on the back of a chair and hold the collar of it up to my nose. It’s warm like he just had it on and still smells like him. Almost immediately, my knees feel like they’re about to give out.

My heart starts to race when I hear the water shut off in the bathroom and within a few seconds, the door creeps open slowly and I see Josh’s head poke out. His eyes catch mine and a grin sweeps across his lips. “I knew you’d come,” he boasts, opening the door wide and resting his hand against the door frame.

I’m at a loss for words, unable to remember what I had practiced in my head on the way up here. “I uh,” I stutter, grabbing onto the back of the chair for stability. He sweeps his thumb over his chin and keeps staring at me. I glance back at the bed as I will myself to move closer to him, suddenly remembering the speech I had prepared for him earlier. “I didn’t come here to fuck you Josh. I just want to make that clear,” I protest, my attention turning to the bathtub filled with water behind him. “What’s that?” I ask, pointing behind him.

“Just taking a bath. Want to join me?” He smiles wickedly at me, cocking an eyebrow upward.  
“No. Absolutely not.” I cross my arms, looking around the room, doing anything in my power to avoid eye contact.  
“Hey,” he says, “look at me.” I feel his eyes searing into my body.

“No.” I shake my head.

“Why not? Afraid you’ll fall in love with me all over again?” I shake my head, biting my lower lip and glance up at him. “Let me ask you something. Does your mouth water when you think of what we used to do? When you hear my name, does your heart start racing? Do your panties get wet when you see me Taylor?” He’s toying with me now. He knows exactly how to get to me and I’m a fool for letting him, again.

“I - I don’t know,” I stutter, stepping into the bathroom doorway as he lifts his shirt over his head. He’s amused, and nods as if he can see right through me. “I know how weak I make you, I can see you trying to stop yourself from throwing yourself at me, but you’re having the hardest time right now.” He pulls a towel off the shelf on the wall and drapes it on the hook next to the tub. 

“So why don’t you just stop fighting it and come here.” He looks at me like I’m a baby deer and he’s a hungry coyote, smiling like the Grinch, and crooks his index finger at me to draw me to him. As much as I hate myself for it, I cave and dart to his half-naked body. 

His fingers caress the bare skin on my arms when I reach him, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their path. I hear a deep groan come from his throat and close my eyes, letting his hands explore me as I hang onto his arms. “So soft, this pretty face,” he whispers, drawing his fingers over my lips.

He turns my head to the side and leans down to deliver soft kisses mixed with hot air on my neck. My breathing hitches and I grab onto his belt loops when I feel his lips on my skin again. Josh is the only man who could make me feel like this with just the touch of his lips.

“You’re making me wet,” I moan, unable to control anything that comes out of my mouth. He stops and looks at me to study my face before smiling devilishly again and darting for my lips. He tastes so good I could drink him. The beer and whiskey on his tongue is enough to get me even more drunk than I already am. 

“I missed you so damn much, what the hell have I been doing without you?” He grunts in between kisses as he pulls my shirt down, letting my lace bra covered chest spill out over the top of the fabric. The alcohol in my system combined with the taste of his lips and his hands on my body make me believe his words and I find myself falling for him all over again.

“I know baby, I know." I close my eyes and pant before lifting his chin up to meet my lips again.

"Want to go in there?" He asks after we part, nodding to the two person bathtub so conveniently filled up with bubbles and hot water.

"Mmmhmm," I agree with an excited smile. He unbuttons his jeans and shimmies them off along with his boxers and almost instantly, I find myself unable to take my hands off him as he pushes my shorts and panties to the floor. 

He sits in the tub first and I crawl in afterwards, facing him and laying on top of his outstretched naked body, playing with his growing length with the movement of my hips. He leans his head back on the side of the tub, letting the ends of his dirty blonde hair get wet as I continue to move my body along his, creating little waves in the warm water. He smiles widely, drawing me like a magnet to his lips.

I spin around and lower myself onto his lap and feel him slide into me, filling up the emptiness I had been feeling so long without him. My hips begin rocking up and down, and I let out a few soft moans.

Josh sits up and massages my left nipple with one hand while covering my mouth with the other to muffle the uncontrollable sounds coming out of me. His lips find my neck again and the sensation makes my lower lip start to quiver. He lowers the hand covering my mouth and drops it in between my legs. 

"Can you be quiet if I get you off?" He whispers against my ear with his fingers dancing overtop my nub. I bite my bottom lip and close my eyes and nod. When I do, he begins guiding my hips back and forth along his shaft at a rapid pace and circles my clit with his index finger.

"Yes, yes, yes right there, right there! Oh God!" I whimper as I hold on to the sides of the tub and clench every muscle in my body, still riding him. I feel him sink his teeth into my shoulder as he tries to suppress his groans while he hits his peak and I let out a gasp when I think he might draw blood. 

He falls onto the back of the tub and pants to catch his breath. I look back at him and his eyes are closed but there’s a smile spread across his face. I find myself wanting to be closer to him even though he was just inside of me, so I roll over and let my body fall on his so we’re chest to chest. “Do you want me to stay the night?” I ask, kissing him gently on the cheek. Just as I’m starting to feel comfortable laying on top of him, he nudges me from below, urging me to get up. 

Without saying a word, he slides out from under me and gets out of the tub, grabbing a towel, and wrapping it around his bottom half. The lump in my throat grows as each second passes that he doesn’t say anything. “Josh?” He just shakes his head and opens the door, not looking at me. 

As he exits the bathroom, I jump out of the tub and wrap a towel around myself and follow him into the bedroom. Josh is rifling through his suitcase and pretends as if I’m not even there when I walk up behind him. “You’re not gonna say anything to me?”

“Taylor,” he starts, standing up and walking over to grab my hands. His face is soft and warm like he wants to kiss me again. “You were fucking amazing. Thank you for that, really. I needed it. I was under a lot of stress.”  
I’m not surprised by his behavior, but I’m ashamed at mine. I should have known this was going to happen. I fell right back into his trap.


	3. You got something that I like but I might regret it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text in italics is a flashback

“Stress? You’re the one under stress?” I shout at the top of my lungs, so fed up with his bullshit. I can’t take anymore, I don’t care that it’s the middle of the night. “Do you have any fucking idea what you’ve been doing to me this past year? Toying with my emotions like this? You act like you want to work things out but then once you’ve had your fill, you shut me out!”

Josh stops me by putting his lips on mine to shut me up. “Shhh, you’ll wake up Andre in the next room,” he whispers, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about Andre!” Tears pool in my eyes as I push him off me and dart towards the bathroom to collect my clothes. “Coming up here was the biggest fucking mistake I’ve ever made! I can’t believe I was stupid enough to actually think you changed,” I yell, putting my bra back on, followed by my tank top.

Josh is amused at my behavior and I see his eyes light up again, the way they did just several minutes before when he coaxed me into the tub with him. “Tay, come on. I don’t have time for anything serious right now. You know if I did, I’d be with you, right? I just want to have a little fun right now.”

“You’d be with me if you had time?” I repeat his words, believing him, feeling myself grow weak and almost feeling sympathetic towards him and his busy schedule.

“Yeah,” he shrugs, crossing the room to put his hands on my hips, “I mean, you’re stellar in bed. I’d want to have this ass whenever I could get it,” His hand shifts to my backside and squeezes my right cheek through my shorts.

My jaw drops to the floor and I step back for a moment, feeling my fingers tingle at the urge to smack him across the face. I lift my hand up, ready to show him what a bastard he is for saying that to me, but then I mistakenly look into his eyes and can’t bring myself to do it, something stops me. I don’t actually want to inflict any pain on him, because there’s still something about him that has a hold on me, and I’m afraid I’ll lose that if I hurt him in any way.

He grabs my arm while it’s still in the air and lowers it back down. “You don’t want to do that baby,” he warns.

“I’m NOT your baby.” I rip my hand from his grip and spin on my heel, feeling tears sting my eyes and head towards the door. He says nothing to me as I whip the door open and slam it behind me. I run down the hallway, passing the guard on duty and jab the down button outside of the elevator, my tears falling hard and fast.

I sink to the floor, holding my head in my hands as the elevator descends to my floor. I don’t believe I let him do it to me again. How many times can one person be fooled by another? I’ve heard the saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ But fool me three, four, five, six times? I must obviously be brainless. I knew he’d never change. That he’d always be stuck in his ways. I don’t know what possessed me to think otherwise. 

When the elevator door dings open on my floor, I dart to my room and go straight into the bathroom. The bedroom is dark and I know Caroline must be asleep. I envy her, knowing she can close her eyes and not have to be drowned by thoughts of one person night after night. 

I get in the shower and stand in there for what seems to be an hour and my fingers resemble raisins. No matter how hard I scrub my skin, I can’t wash away the feeling of Josh’s hands all over my body. I close my eyes and picture him in this very shower with me and can't get enough. 

My hand sweeps over my breast as I tilt my head to the side and let the warm water rush over me in a steady stream. I picture him standing behind me, fingers dancing over my skin, feeling his erection poke me in between my legs. The drops of water hit my neck and I pretend that its his lips instead. My breathing increases and I spin around and let the water hit my front side. My fingers dip in between my legs and I start working to get myself off at just the thought of him. 

I hear him whisper in my ear, “Yeah baby, so wet for me. Take it, just like that. Your tight little pussy feels so good. I love it when you come. Come for me Taylor.” I imagine that my fingers are his, plunging in and out of me, and bite my lower lip to stifle my moans as my second orgasm of the night takes me over. 

I’m dizzy when I step out of the shower and stumble to the sink to stare at my tear stained face in the mirror. I look like I haven’t slept in days and it’s only been a day since I saw Josh after so long. Going through all of this again is going to destroy me. I hate him for so many reasons, but I can’t stop myself from wanting him. It’s like the more he pushes me away, the more I crave his acceptance and I don’t know why. 

Exiting the bathroom, I throw my clothes aside and collapse on my bed still wearing my towel. The time reads 4am and I have to be on set at 8. I could kick myself for wasting so much time over Josh. What’s so great about him? Surely there had to be something about him that hooked me from the beginning, but I can’t put my finger on it. Why after all this time, does he still make me crumble to the floor?

_The hair on the back of my neck stood at attention when I saw Josh walking towards my brother and I to introduce himself. I had heard of him before but this was our first encounter. My heart began racing as I watched him walk towards us at a quick pace. “Hey Josh, this is my little sister, Taylor,” Dave introduced us, putting his hand on Josh’s shoulder, thinking it wasn’t a big deal to have us meet._

_A light in Josh’s eyes flickered when he heard my name. He smiled wide and when his hand touched mine, it sent a surge of heat coursing through my body. I couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling down his body, over the small patch of chest hair poking out through the neckline of his white v-neck, then down over his his tight stomach and landed on the crotch of his pants. My eyes grew wide and I licked my lips as if I had been starved for days and just had a juicy steak placed in front of me._

_I didn’t realize what I was doing until Josh cleared his throat. I snapped out of my trance briefly, until he said my name and I was lost again. “Taylor, it’s really nice to meet you.” He gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. I couldn’t think of the right words to say to not sound like an idiot, so I nodded and smiled politely and looked down at my feet._

_“She’s here to learn and help out during the shoot, so be nice to her and show her around if you can.” Dave put his arm around my shoulder and patted me on the head._

_“I’m not 12 anymore,” I whispered and rolled my eyes, then looked back at Josh who was looking me up and down as if I was an ice cold beer on a hot summer day. The temperature of my cheeks rose the longer his eyes were on me. I could tell by the look on his face that he was going to have me eating out of the palm of his hand in no time._

_“Oh that’s not a problem, I’ll be extra nice to her,” Josh said winking at me, “I hope I see you around, Taylor.” Then he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving me wanting more._


	4. How much longer must we wait?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a flashback

Towards the end of the second full day on set, I was getting a little bored just waiting around for something to keep me occupied. I spent almost the whole day standing behind Dave and his camera while the crew practiced each shot. When they were ready to shoot the scene, Jennifer came out first, looking drenched and exhausted, wearing ratty clothes. I watched her take her position against a tree and crouch down to the ground while she got touched up by the makeup artist.   
Someone yelled "Quiet on the set!" And Gary motioned for the camera crew to begin shooting. Dave's camera wasn't focused on Jen, who was shivering and looking towards the camera focused on her, it was pointing at the door of the makeshift bakery. I knew Dave would be shooting Josh soon and I couldn’t help but get a little antsy to see him in action. Since I met him, he was stuck in the back of my mind.  
I crossed my arms and leaned up against Dave’s chair and watched all the people behind the cameras move in sync with each other, as if they were choreographed. Gary pointed to Dave and another cameraman telling them to get ready for their shot. I watched the scene unfold on the screen behind Dave’s camera.   
The sprinkler system made it look like it was downpouring and soaked the set. Josh stepped out of the bakery doors looking like he had just rolled in a pile of flour and dirt. He was in full Peeta-mode. Stains covered his white t-shirt and apron and the somber look on his face made it seem like he just lost his best friend. There was no breaking his concentration. He and the woman playing his mother walked onto the sidewalk and the rain hit them both. My breath caught in my chest when he got a little wet and I imagined what he’d look like with that soaking wet white t-shirt hugging his body.   
He stopped in his tracks and turned around to face his onscreen mother as she continued yelling a bunch of nothingness at him, then she hit him on the back of the head and he didn’t flinch. He turned back around, shoulders hanging low and walked to the edge of the sidewalk and looked out at where Jen was crouched to the ground. He stared at her for a moment while tossing some pieces of bread to the pigs that were in a pen, then tossed what was left of the loaf towards the cameras so that it looked like he was throwing it to Katniss.   
I continued to hide behind the cameras, mesmerized by the way he moved and how calm he was during filming. He impressed me, as he never broke character, even when Gary yelled directions to him or addressed him as Josh. By the fifth take of the scene, I knew exactly how many seconds it took for him to come out of the doors of the bakery and when he did, it made me weak every time.   
“One more take, then that should be enough. We almost got it,” Gary yelled to the cast and crew and everyone got back into place. Someone dropped their clipboard while walking back to their spot and it landed right in the camera’s view. “Tay, run and grab that,” Dave whispered to me, pushing me in front of everyone.   
When I darted out onto the muddy surface, I felt a pair of eyes on me, watching as I bent down to the retrieve the clipboard. As I stood up, I quickly glanced behind me and saw Josh standing in the doorway to the bakery watching me with his arms folded across his chest. The sleeves of his dirty white t-shirt stretched over his biceps and he licked his lips just once while he eyed me up and down.   
His eyes changed color when he looked at me, hinting that he had broken character. The expression on his face suggested he had desires that weren’t noticeable to the average person, but I certainly saw behind his charming, boyish demeanor.

Later after finishing on set, I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard Dave talking to someone on the phone. Figuring it was his girlfriend, I quietly crept into my bedroom to get dressed. While slipping on my shirt, Dave knocked on my door. "Tay, someone's on the phone for you," he shouted through the door. I was convinced it wasn't Melissa, she didn't like me so she had no reason to want to talk to me. I sighed and opened the door, figuring it was my parents wanting to talk and see how my first couple days went. "Here she is, later man."  
I grabbed the phone from him and looked at the caller ID. Ryan. Fuck fuck fuck. I shook my head no and tried to give Dave his phone back but he wouldn't take it. Finally, when Dave gave me an evil eye, I placed the phone to my ear. "Hello?"  
"Hey Taylor," He uttered.  
"Hello," I said, giving Dave the finger for putting me through this, "what's up?"  
"Nothing. I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice, I know we're on a break but I can't help it."  
"Yeah, it's ok," I breathed. Ryan and I dated for about 4 years and when he found out I was going to be going with Dave to North Carolina, he got really upset about me being gone for so long. After I told him about it, he wouldn't leave me alone. It was driving me insane. He'd call all the time just to tell me he loved me, and was always dropping by the house if he was in the neighborhood.   
He kept talking about moving in together after I got back home, but I couldn't take anymore. One night, I sat him down and told him I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself if I knew I had someone at home worrying about me all the time. I told him I needed a break, just for the summer so I could think about moving in with him. Just like ripping off a band aid, it was painful, but it had to be done.   
“I went and looked at apartments today,” he said like an excited puppy.   
“You did?” I cringed. “Ryan, nothing’s set in stone yet, so don’t go making...”  
“I know, I know. I was just looking. I’ll wait til you get home to do anything so you can be part of this too.”  
In Ryan’s head, we were still together. It’s like I never told him we were taking a break and I had to put my foot down. “Listen, Ry, I’m going out tonight, so I have to let you go.”  
“Oh.” He sounded disappointed. “Well, have fun I guess. Call me if you want, ok?”  
“Ok, I will. Bye Ryan.”  
“I love you,” he uttered before I hung up the phone. I felt like pulling my hair out. I wanted to be with him but now wasn’t the best time for us. He had to understand that. I shook the thought of him out of my head and focused on having a good time tonight. 

I followed everyone into the small bowling alley, taking a second to take in the familiar smell of cigarette smoke, stale beer, fried food and bowling shoes. Josh walked in not long after I got my bowling shoes, and I was really glad he made an appearance. I needed something to take my mind of Ryan.   
One of the PAs mentioned how surprised she was that he showed up, since he usually never hangs out with the cast. She said that he’s really full of himself and thinks he’s too good to hang out with people who aren’t big stars. It’s almost as if she was disgusted by him being there, but I wasn’t complaining.   
I watched him sit down at a lane not far from mine and put his shoes on. When I got up to look for a ball, he looked up at me from under the brim of his Cincinnati Reds hat and flashed the same smile from earlier in the day. I felt my body temperature rise and I couldn’t help but crack a smile myself.  
“Hey, Taylor, right?” He called out my name as he ran to catch up with me.  
“Yeah, you remembered my name. What’s up Josh?” I smiled, then proceeded to look for a ball, pretending I didn’t care he was saying anything to me.   
“Of course I remembered your name. Are you any good?” He asked, nodding to the lanes.   
“I’m not bad, I’m ashamed to admit it but I’m actually in a league at home.” I knelt down and picked up a ball but it was too light then put it back. I felt his eyes glued to me as I stood up to find something a little heavier.  
“Impressive! I’m terrible, I swear I think I bowl like a 140, I could use someone good. Be on my team?” He almost begged. How could I resist that face? I told a couple people earlier that I’d play with them but this was Josh Hutcherson. I couldn’t possibly say no to him.   
“Yeah, ok. I’ll show you how I throw it down,” I laughed and chose a teal and white ball from the top rack and followed him past the crowd of people from the set and to a lane on the other end of the alley. Dirty looks were shot towards me as I followed Josh. I don’t know why. People were obviously jealous that he took a liking to me.  
I put my ball down when we got to our lane and watched him select his own ball to use. I couldn’t help but notice his arms when he’d pick up a heavy ball, the way they looked in the tank top he was wearing made me sweat. The man made my pupils dilate, and I found myself craving him like a drug. I imagined him pinning me to the wall with them...all that muscle, not letting me break free until I gave in to him.   
I had only known him a few days and was already pegging him as a sexual deviant. He probably wasn’t like that at all. My thoughts had started to run away with me. Maybe it was because Ryan was always so safe and predictable that I got a high from imagining myself with someone a little more daring and aggressive. 

“Nice job, Lucky Strike!” Josh gave me a high five and pulled me in for a hug after we won our first game against Leven and Jackie. I didn’t want to let go. Words can’t describe the way he smelled and the way his body felt pressed against mine. I wanted to run my hands up and down his muscular back with him pushing himself into me, hearing him groan while his hips grinded up against mine. I had to get a sip of water after he pulled away because I was once again letting my thoughts get the best of me.  
“I’m gonna go get a beer, you want anything?” He asked, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket.  
“Aren’t you a little too young?” I asked.  
“I always have ways of getting what I want.” He flashed a grin and winked at me before heading towards the bar.   
“Hey,” Leven called me over and had me sit down next to her, “you need to be careful with Josh. He has his eye on you.”  
“And that’s a bad thing?” I cocked an eyebrow at her.  
Leven shook her head as she glanced over at him, disapproving of my choice. “He’s a scumbag Taylor. He’ll tell a girl what she wants to hear so she’ll sleep with him because he’s famous and then when he’s done with her, he’ll toss her aside and move on to the next girl throwing herself at him. It’s disgusting.”  
“No way, I don’t believe it for a second. He seems so sweet! He wouldn’t do that.”  
“He’s an actor, a good one. Go ahead sleep with him and see what happens. He’ll flip the switch on you too.”  
“How do you know, you haven’t been with him have you?”  
“God no. He’s not my type. But see that girl over there?” She pointed to a small brunette a few lanes down from us and I nodded. “He did it to her. She can’t even look at him now without getting upset. I’m just telling you to be careful and don’t believe anything he says because he’s full of shit.”  
I rolled my eyes and got up from the table and joined Josh at the bar. “Hey, I’ll have what you’re having.” He smiled wide when I sat next to him and took a swig of his beer before setting it down on the bar and ordering me one.  
“So where’s your brother tonight?”   
“He said he’s too old for this kind of stuff. He’s so lame.” I picked up my bottle and took a sip. Josh just chuckled and looked down at his lap for a second then took another drink.   
“And what’s this I hear about your boyfriend back home?”   
“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about that. To make a long story short, he’s a stage 5 clinger. We’re on a break right now. He’s not here.” I wasn’t looking at him, but I saw the smile spread across his face out of the corner of my eye.   
“Oh that’s a shame. But I can see why he’s so attached to you. You’re pretty cute.” His face got red and I giggled, feeling my cheeks flush as well.   
“Are you hitting on me Josh?” I asked, hoping he’d say that he was.  
“I mean, you’re pretty cool to hang out with. That’s all I meant.” He bashfully laughed and adjusted the brim on his hat.   
“Oh thanks, you’re not bad yourself.” I playfully shoved him.   
“So let’s hang out again. What’s your number?” He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and I gave it to him without hesitation. 

While I was laying in bed that night, all I could think of was Josh and how different he was compared to Ryan. He was so unexpected and kept me on my toes. I wanted more of him. I didn’t care what anyone said, I was going to have him. As far as Ryan went, I completely erased him from my mind that night.   
My phone lit up the room and was followed by the ding of an incoming text message.   
**Let’s hang out**  
It was Josh. The time on my phone said 2:51am. Surely he couldn’t have meant tonight.  
 **What? Right now? Are you crazy? It’s almost 3am  
Yeah why not? They’re not shooting tomorrow with the rain coming  
Are you trying to get me in trouble Josh?  
Do you want me to get you in trouble Taylor?**


	5. Can't stop once you turn me on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also a flashback and in Josh's POV

**Josh’s POV:**  
Laying on the floor in the living room of my apartment, sprawled out and staring at the ceiling, I spaced out to Red Hot Chili Peppers and waited for her. She didn’t answer my question: _Do you want me to get you in trouble Taylor?_ Of course she did. I knew it the second I saw her the first day on the set. This one was a keeper, for a little while at least. Til someone new came around who sparked my interest. Judging by the girls I had been scoping out around the set, Taylor was the pick of the litter. She was smoking hot and a little bit older than me, which I liked. Although I usually went for brunettes, I have to admit there was something about her that intrigued me. 

She made it seem like she just wanted to have a little fun and so did I. No relationship for this guy. There was no way in hell I was going to let myself get involved with anyone I worked with again. I made that mistake once and had my heart broken because of it. I was the nice guy with Vanessa. I made the effort in our relationship, but did she give a damn about me? No. She used me to get ahead in her career. She told me I was too nice. Nice? Well, that changed after she ended things. I turned off my emotions and almost became a completely different person. Selfish, conceited, shallow, only looking for one thing. That’s what Vanessa brought out in me.

Growing up, I was the kid who fell in love too easily because I always tried to see the good in everyone. Not anymore. I didn’t care to look past a girl’s looks and dig to find out who they really were. Just get in, get out and move on. I was charming enough to have a girl eating out of the palm of my hand, then turned it off once I got my dick wet.  
I figured that screwing around with Taylor would be tricky since we were on set and not in LA where we could sneak around wherever we wanted. At home, I had no problem bringing a girl back to my place for the night. But I had eyes on me at all hours of the day here and getting caught was inevitable.

In a matter of minutes after my last text, Taylor was lightly knocking at my front door. She didn’t even hesitate. I never had a girl show up so fast. I was surprised at her ability to sweet talk the security guard at the entrance to let her in.

I shuffled to the door after she knocked the third time and watched her from the peep hole. She looked nervous, constantly fixing the hair in a bun on the top of her head and looking around to see if anyone was watching. She finally argued with herself for coming, shook her head, probably telling herself that this was crazy, then turned around and began her descent down the few steps outside my apartment. She came back not even 2 seconds later, and I opened the door before she could knock again.  
“Hi. I didn’t think you were coming. You never answered me,” I protested, leaning up against the door frame.

“I wasn’t going to come but I had to see what kind of trouble you could get me into.” Her eyebrows raised devilishly and she bit her bottom lip in excitement.  
I breathed out a laugh through my nose and stood up from the doorway. “Trouble is what you want?”  
She shrugged, “Maybe.”  
“Alright then, come in. Lock the door behind you,” I said, stepping aside to let her come in.  
She followed me into the living room, in awe of how big the apartment was. “You’re staying here, alone?” 

“Yeah, for now. Sit down, I’ll be right back.” She made herself comfortable while I made my way down the hall and to my bedroom. Trouble is what she came for, and that’s what she was going to get. I grabbed the stash I had been saving in one of my pieces of luggage for a special occasion and dug the lighter out of the jeans I was wearing earlier that day. 

“This enough trouble for you?” I asked when I came out, holding a tightly rolled blunt between my thumb and forefinger.  
“Wow, I must say, I’m surprised Josh. You’re not a good boy like I thought?”  
“Never.” I narrowed my eyes at her and her cheeks instantly flushed. I handed her the blunt and lighter. “Ladies first.” She put it between her pouty lips and sparked it up, letting the smoke fill her lungs before blowing it out in a steady stream. So fucking sexy. 

“Good?” I took it from her and she nodded in response, coughing a little more smoke. I sat on the floor, where I was before she came and took a couple hits. I grabbed her hand and pulled her down with me.  
“The floor?” She asked, taking the blunt from me again.  
“Yeah, I like it on the floor.” 

“Uh huh.” She crawled over to the ipod dock I had sitting on the end table. “I’m sure you do.” She winked back at me before changing the song to Closer by Nine Inch Nails. I had to shift my position after watching her crawl back to her spot on her hands and knees. Fuck she got me hard.

We finished the rest of the blunt and she ended up wigging out over the blades of the ceiling fan above us. I couldn’t get her to stop laughing. I managed to sit up and crawled overtop of her, placing my hands on either side of her face. She had tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing so hard. “Hey,” I whispered. She stopped for a moment and looked up at me. “Do you want pie?” 

Her eyes widened like a kid on Christmas morning. “Fuck yes I do!” She beat her hands on my chest and I pulled her to sit up.  
“You have pie? Do you know how hungry I am?” 

“I can take a pretty wild guess,” I tugged her hands and helped her stand. “Come on.” I held her hands behind my back as I led us to the kitchen. I tossed her a bag of pretzels to snack on and placed a handful of apples and a peeler at the table and had her get to work while I made the pie crust.

“So what’s your story, Josh? Why are you single?” She asked, putting one of the peels into her mouth.  
“Oh,” I chuckled and put a bowl on the table in front of her with the spices we needed in it. “That’s a really really long story.”  
“Come on. The pie takes a while. Let me have it."  
“Not tonight," I replied and kept rolling out the dough.  
"Josh, you’re gonna have to open up to me if we’re going to be friends.”  
"I said no, Taylor. Ok?" I snapped and scratched my forehead with my wrist since my hands were dirty. "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound like a dick."

“Its ok. I won’t ask about it again. Man, she must have done a number on you,” she laughed to herself as she put the apples into the bowl and mixed them up with the spices.

I didn’t plan on opening up anytime soon. Dammit. This girl was already digging into me. I wanted to tell her about how I had my heart ripped out of my chest and how I turned into a lesser version of my former self and how I was only hanging out with her to get in her pants. I wanted to warn her about how I was a complete and utter asshole.

“Do you have anything to drink? Those pretzels are making me thirsty.”  
“Yeah, check the fridge.” I picked up the bowl from the table and put the apples into the pan with the pie crust. 

She slid out of her chair and pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge before leaning against the counter next to me to watch me put the topping on the pie. She was dangerously close to me and smelled like vanilla. God it was intoxicating. I had to ignore her though. Couldn't let myself fall too quickly, or at all.  
Her attention drew to the script for the movie I had sitting on the kitchen island. "What's this? The official script?"

"Yeah," I wiped my hands on a towel and put the pie in the oven. "There's a lot of technical stuff in there. Your brother probably has a copy."  
"Blah blah blah, camera B pans left. Cue Effie walking strait." She skimmed through the pages and I could tell she didn't understand what she was reading. I took it from her and flipped to a scene I was rehearsing earlier in the day. 

"Want to help me practice this one scene?"  
"Really?" Her eyes lit up.  
"Yeah, it always helps to run through them with someone on the outside."

I handed her the script and leaned up against the kitchen table. “Page 152. You can read for Katniss. This is an important scene so don’t fuck it up.”  
She giggled, “I won’t fuck up. It says District 12 suite. Katniss finds Peeta at the window, overlooking the Capitol.”  
“Ok,” I patted the counter, “hop up here and look out the imaginary window.” I pointed to the cabinets on her side as if they were a giant window and hoisted myself up on the counter after she did and sat cross legged in front of her.

"Alright, uh, let's see,” she looked over the script and read through the scene. “Start here?" She pointed to a line on the page."  
"That's fine," I responded with a smile.  
She cleared her throat and began, “Listen to them.” The heat radiating from her legs touching mine made me forget my lines. I stared blankly at her and she had to tell me what to say next. "I just don't..."  
"Oh yeah... I just don't want them to change me."

"How would they change you?" She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear then moistened her lips with her tongue.  
"I don't know, turn me into something I'm not. I just don't want to become another piece in their game, you know?"  
"So you won't kill anyone?"

"No, I'm sure I would just like anybody else when the time came but I just keep wishing I could think of a way to show them, that they don't own me." Her eyes were locked on me. It took the last bit of dignity I had left to not climb over top of her and have her right there on the counter but I had to stop myself. _Slow Josh, you want to keep this one around for a few months, take your time and be charming, but fuck she’s so hot right now._ "If I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah," she was flustered and had to look at the script again. "Uh, yeah, I can't afford to think like that. I have my sister."  
"Yeah, I know. So I'll see you tomorrow?"  
"I'll see you tomorrow." She smiled and closed the booklet since there weren't any more lines written for the scene.

"So? How did that sound to you?" Without thinking, I put my hand on her knee.  
"I'm impressed! That was amazing. You nailed it I think." Her hand rested on top of mine. “I’m so excited to see all this on screen.”  
"Thanks for running through that with me." I took my hand away and hopped onto the floor.  
“No problem.”

We vegged out in front of the TV while waiting for the pie to finish baking. She curled up next to me on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep on my shoulder. When the timer on the oven went off, I slid off the couch to take the pie out. I shook Taylor to wake her up when I got back. “Hey wake up sleepy.”  
“I’m ok,” she mumbled.

“Are you even hungry anymore?” She shook her head no, eyes still closed. “So we made that pie for nothing?”  
“We can eat it tomorrow. Let’s sleep now.” She pulled me by the shirt to lay down next to her. I wanted to, so bad. But I stopped myself. I had to earn her trust.

“No, your brother will worry about you if you don’t get back. It’s almost 5.” She opened her eyes and pouted at me. “We’ll hang out again, ok?”  
“Ok. This was fun though. I’m glad you texted me.”  
“Yeah me too. Do you want me to walk you back?” I pulled her up to stand.  
“I’ll be ok.” She slipped on her flip flops and I walked her to the door. 

“Go get some sleep, try not to dream about me or anything.” I rubbed her bare shoulder with my thumb.  
“I’ll try not to. Goodnight Josh.” She smiled and leaned in to give me a peck on the cheek. 

I closed the door behind me and watched her walk down the steps to the sidewalk. She was smiling from ear to ear. The nice charming act worked just how I planned. Hook, line and sinker. She was mine for the next few months.


	6. You got me good just like you knew you would

The smile never left my face the whole walk back to the apartment. I don’t know what Leven was talking about. Josh was really sweet. And even though he sort of snapped at me when I asked about his ex, I understood why he did it. It wasn’t my place to pry like that. I figured whenever he wanted to tell me about her, he would. For now, I was just glad to be around him. He had ways of making my skin feel like it was being stabbed with 1,000 pins at once, and I enjoyed that feeling.

My phone, which I left on the nightstand before I went to Josh’s, was blinking out of the corner of my eye. I rolled to my side to reach it and unlocked the screen to see why. A missed call and a text message, both from Ryan.

**Hey you’re probably sleeping. Hope you had fun tonight. Call me in the AM if you want. Love you**

“Ugh. Leave me alone,” I muttered to myself before throwing the phone back in its resting place. No more than a few minutes later, it went off again. “Seriously, go to bed Ry,” I groaned.

I unlocked the screen again and felt the familiar burning sensation to my skin course right through me again when I saw the sender’s name - Josh.

**Just wanted to make sure you got back ok. I’m glad you came by, it was fun. Night beautiful.**

I couldn’t help but get giddy and hot when I read over his text a few times. He called me beautiful and checked to make sure I made it back safely. This guy was damn near perfect.

**Made it back in one piece, thanks for checking. Goodnight ;)**

 

My keys landing next to my head woke me up what must have been only a few hours later. My eyes shot open and I found Dave standing over me with his hands on his hips like our mom does when she’s angry.

“You left those in the door when you were sneaking back in this morning,” he scolded.

I rubbed my eyes like I had no idea what he was talking about, but he saw right through me so I didn’t even try to seem innocent. “Oops! My bad. Guess I forgot.”

“Where were you? And why do I smell pot Tay? Were you smoking again? What did I tell you last time?”

“Stop Dave, I don’t need a lecture right now. I’m tired, ok?” I grumbled and flipped onto my other side.

“Yeah, you’re tired because you were out getting high all night,” he left for a moment and came back in as he was slipping a hoodie over his head. “So who were you getting baked with?”

“None of your business. Let me go back to sleep.” I pulled the sheets over my face and closed my eyes again.

He walked over to the other side of the bed and smacked me with a pillow. I pushed the blankets back and he was raising his eyebrows at me waiting for my answer. “Josh. I was hanging out with Josh, ok?”

“Hutcherson? Why him?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Why not? He invited me over.”

“Yeah he’s trying to get in your pants. I’m not an idiot. Stay away from him, ok?”

I sat up, furious that Dave was trying to tell me what to do. “No, you’re not dad. I’m gonna hang out with whoever I want!”

“Ok, you’ll see. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he chuckled a little and headed towards the door. “I’m going to a production meeting, I’ll be back in a few hours. Behave yourself please.”

“Whatever dude.” I rolled my eyes and went back to sleep for the majority of the day, wishing I had just stayed at Josh’s.

****

A few days later, after production wrapped for the day, Josh wanted to know if I wanted to go with him and a few others to grab something to eat at a local bar and grill in town. I couldn’t say no to spending time with Josh without tons of people around us all the time like it was on set.

Josh and I sat on one side of the booth along with another person from production while Jen, her stylist and mom sat across from us. Josh was sitting painfully close to me. He’d discreetly brush his leg up against mine, then he’d put his hand on my thigh and apologize for ‘accidentally’ touching me. I hope it wasn’t obvious how wet he was making me. I could have turned into a puddle right there being so close to him. I wanted to drag him to the bathroom in that very restaurant and let him have me.

Jennifer was in the middle of telling a story about training with the bow and arrow when Josh’s phone rang. His eyes lit up when he looked at the caller’s name on the screen. I couldn’t help but see the name myself, Vanessa. I wasn’t sure who she was. I didn’t want to be too nosy, so I half listened to Jen’s story while he took the call at the table.

“Hey!” Josh sounded really excited to be talking to this Vanessa person. “No, I can talk. How are you?” He mouthed ‘sorry’ to us before turning his attention back to the phone. I pat his knee to tell him it was ok, but when I did, he almost shook my hand off and got up abruptly from the table. It was weird. “I miss you too,” he laughed into the receiver.

I miss you too? Is there someone back home he didn’t tell me about? But then why was he flirting with me? Maybe it’s his sister? No, he said he only has a brother. Who the hell is Vanessa? It felt like an atomic bomb was sent into the pit of my stomach as I was overcome with jealousy.

I tried to be part of the conversation at the table while we were waiting for our food but I found myself constantly looking at the door to see if Josh was on his way back in. Finally when I couldn’t take the anticipation anymore,I excused myself from the table to go find him. He was outside on the sidewalk still on the phone but his smile had faded into a solemn frown. I couldn’t help but hurt for him.

As he was hanging up, I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Hey is everything ok?”

“Sorry, I need to bail. Can you just catch a ride back with them?” He pointed to the door of the restaurant.

“Yeah, but...” I was cut off.

“Thanks, sorry. I really gotta get out of here.” He spun around, holding his phone back up to his ear and started walking towards the parking lot. I was left hanging on the sidewalk trying to figure out what just happened and what this Vanessa person said to him to make him do a complete 180 on me. Did someone in his family pass away or something? I decided to give him a little time and text him later after he had some time to cool off.

****

The next four days went by painstakingly slow. None of the scenes I was helping with had Josh in them. I actually overheard that he went home to Kentucky for a few days. Not that I’d know for sure since he never texted or called me back after I tried to get a hold of him. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong to make him not want to talk to me.

Finally, during the day of the reaping scene shoot, where hundreds of extras gathered in a public square, I knew Josh would be there. I was busy helping extras get into position and I overheard someone say Josh was in his trailer getting ready for the scene.

I left my position, surprisingly unnoticed by anyone since it was so busy, and weaved through dozens of people to reach the cluster of trailers. I saw Josh’s silhouette moving through the screen door along with one other person. Passing a few crew members, I crept up the steps to his trailer and knocked a couple times.

Josh’s eyes focused on me through the screen and he stopped talking to the woman who was in there with him. “Come in Taylor,” he muttered, opening the door for me. He didn’t look very happy but man he looked sexy. His hair was slicked back for the scene and he had on black dress pants and a muscle hugging grey tank top. “What do you need?” His hands brushed over the rack of shirts hanging up as he waited for the woman to choose one for him.

The woman smiled at me before handing Josh a white button down shirt on a hanger. “Um, well, things seemed a little off the other night and I haven’t heard from you in a few days so I wanted to come see how you were doing.” He didn’t even break a smile. Was he still upset? The scowl on his face was really getting to me. How dare he treat me like shit after leaving me hanging the other night and not talking to me for a few days?

He looked apologetically at his wardrobe assistant, “Susan, could you give us a minute?” She nodded politely and exited the trailer, closing the door behind her. I stepped out of his way as he moved past me towards the door to lock it and my heart began beating at a rapid pace, as I was unsure of what was about to happen, judging by his attitude.

“Ok, what’s going on with you Josh? Is everything ok?” I begged for an answer, watching his every move as he spun around to face me.

He shook his head, as if fed up with me asking him questions. “No Taylor, it’s not ok. Not yet anyway.”

“Not yet? Why? You know I’m trying to be your friend here.” I was becoming agitated.

“Come here.” His gaze narrowed and he smirked, grabbing my hand to pull me in close to him.

Suddenly forgetting any of the last few days, I caved and let him draw me to his body. It felt so good to be so close to him. The heat radiating from his body was enough to make me go weak in the knees. I couldn’t help but put my hands on his chest as he held me at my waist, running his fingers along the waistband of my shorts.

Almost instantly, his mouth was on mine. Warm, soft and wet, he kissed me like I was the last woman on earth, like if he didn’t have me, he wouldn’t survive, like he needed me.

His attitude prior to his kiss made no sense to me now, but I went along with it. I leaned my body into him as I wrapped my arms around his neck and tangled my fingers through the hair on the back of his head. He grunted when he pushed me up against one of the counters in the trailer, trying to make our bodies closer than they already were.

I moaned against his lips, tasting his tongue on mine, inhaling his scent through my nose. My need for him was indescribable, he hypnotized me with every movement of his body. Every little touch sent my temperature skyrocketing.

He lifted me up onto the counter, our mouths still fighting each other, and ran his hand up my thigh as he stood between my parted legs. We broke away for a moment to catch our breath and he pushed the hair that had fallen into my face back then placed his forehead against mine before kissing me once more. “Sorry. I really needed to do that.”

Nothing else mattered but hearing him say he needed to kiss me. “It’s ok. I sort of wanted you to.” I kissed him again and let him pull me off the counter. “So is everything ok? I was worried about you the last few days.”

“Yeah, everything’s ok now.”


	7. Don't think I know how to go slow

**Josh:**

****

I came across an old photo of Vanessa while I was cleaning out my backpack to take with me on a day trip to check out a waterfall with a group of people. Looking carefully at our facial expressions, I couldn’t help but laugh. She was smiling for the camera, as always, and I was looking lovingly at her. Funny how we looked so happy to the naked eye, but on the inside, our whole relationship was nothing but a total lie.

She’d put on a happy face when there were photographers around, but whenever we were alone, which wasn’t too often, she was a completely different person and believed the world revolved around her and no one else. I sank down to the foot of my bed as I held the photo in my hands and replayed the conversation Vanessa and I had a week ago.

When I saw her name come up on my phone, I thought that maybe she had some time to think about us and had changed her mind and was ready to give me a second chance. But what she told me was the complete opposite. She started dating someone new. Not even a month after we broke up, she had found someone else to make her happy and give in to her every need at the drop of a hat. Hearing her tell me that felt like she was stabbing me through the heart with a dull knife.

A knock on my front door suddenly snapped me back into reality. When I opened the door, Taylor smiled up at me, holding a brown paper bag and coffee carrier.

“Breakfast?” She asked, offering me the bag. “Sorry I’m kinda early. I figured we wouldn’t be stopping on the way.”

“Wow, thank you!” I took the bag from her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. It was rare to have someone other than my mom or Andre bringing breakfast to my door so early in the morning. “This is really sweet. Come in, I’m just finishing getting my bag together.”

Since our kiss in my trailer, I kept her wrapped around my finger. Whenever I called her if I needed something, no matter what time of day it was, she’d come by just to make me happy. It was nice to be wanted for a change. She was by far the perfect rebound girl. I found myself craving the attention from her just as much as she was craving to give it to me. She became like a sweet addiction that I had to feed off of in order to function.  
  


One of the girls, Kristen, who worked in production ended up tagging along with the group when we went to the waterfall. I had met her a couple times before so I had no problem with it when she casually flirted with me a couple times.

Taylor, however, took notice of it and wasn’t happy. She hated to see that someone else was giving me attention. In order to show me that she noticed what was going on, when she and I were behind the group on the trail, she pulled me by my backpack and pushed me against a tree to kiss me. Blood started rushing to my penis as her tongue swept across my lips and she ran her hands down my chest.

“Sorry,” she whispered, brushing her fingertips over her lips when she pulled away, “I can’t control myself around you.” No one had ever told me that before, or went so far to show another girl that she couldn’t have me. If she was willing to do that just because someone else was mindlessly flirting with me, I could only imagine what else she would do for me.

"It's ok, neither can I," I whispered back and kissed her again before lifting myself off the tree.

While we were all walking back from the waterfall, I was alongside Kristen, listening to her tell me about her sister, or at least pretending to listen. I really only did it to see what Taylor would do. I knew she wouldn't actually say anything to me about talking to Kristen because we weren't even dating and I'm sure she knew it was too early to get into a jealous rage over something so minuscule. That doesn't mean she didn't show it though.  
  


When we were stepping over a few fallen branches, Taylor tripped over one and landed in a puddle, getting mud all over her. Maybe she did it on purpose or maybe she didn't, but I ran to her to see if she was ok and told the others to go ahead without us. "Are you hurt?"

She held onto her ankle, wincing in a bit of pain. "I think I rolled my ankle but I'll be alright." I carefully helped her stand and she hobbled on her foot for a few minutes before the pain in her foot stopped.

"Look at me, I'm such a mess! My brother is gonna kill me if he knew I was here with you! He thinks I'm downtown with a few girls. What's he gonna say when I walk in looking like this?"

This was my chance to shove our friendship deep into the next level. The perfect opportunity to get laid finally presented itself. "It's ok," I took her backpack off her shoulders and handed her my water bottle so she could take a drink. "Come to my place, you can get cleaned up and wash your clothes if you want. He’ll never know where you were."

She smiled as if she could read my deepest thoughts. She knew what my intentions were, there was no hiding it. “Ok. Thanks Josh."

  
When we got back to the apartment complex, Taylor had to hide around the corner, making it look like she was going back to her place while the van pulled away. If anyone found out what was going on, we’d be in serious trouble. She came knocking on my door when she was sure no one was watching.

I gave her an old flannel shirt and pair of shorts to change into after she showered and threw her clothes in the washing machine. She waited patiently for me on the couch while I got cleaned up myself and when I went to my bedroom to get dressed after my shower, I found her in my bed.

“Hey, how did you get in here?” She was laying on her back with her hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. Fuck me, I didn’t even have to try and she was already in my bed. She watched me intently as I pulled a pair of boxers over my bottom half underneath my towel.

“Sorry, it looked comfortable,” she replied with a content smile. She got up and looked around the room, running her hands over a few of my belongings. A stack of books on the desk, my leather jacket that I had hanging over the back of a chair. She stopped and studied a photo of my family I had resting on a shelf. “Is this your family?”

Here she was, asking about my family and I wanted to do a whole lot more than talk. I wasn’t about to let her in to that part of my life. I had to bring her back to the present so I switched on my iPod and set it to shuffle. Maroon 5’s song Secret blared through the speakers.

“Yeah that’s them. But I don’t want to talk about my family right now,” I responded, tossing my wet towel into the hamper. “Come here.” I held out my hands for her and she took them willingly as I pulled her towards the bed.

When I sat her down, she didn’t hold back at all before crashing her mouth on mine. She grabbed the back of my hair and ran her hands up and down my bare chest, making me hard as a rock. She was a woman on a mission. It took me by surprise, in a good way. Our mouths never parted as we adjusted our position so that our heads were laying on the pillow.

“You want to know a secret Taylor?” I asked when we broke away, rubbing my index finger up and down her leg. She giggled at the slight tickle I was giving her.

“Oooh, a secret. Tell me what it is Josh,” she giggled, putting her hand over mine to stop me.

“I want to,” I began in just above a whisper, “touch you.” The force pulling my hands to her was so strong that my fingers began to tremble. “And I want to make you come.” Her expression suddenly changed to one that was dark and lustful as she played back my request in her head. I had to make her believe it was all about her in the beginning.

“So touch me Josh. I want you to,” she almost whimpered, guiding my hand to her sex. I began rubbing her from the outside of her shorts gently at first. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she bit her lower lip as my fingers ghosted over her, igniting a spark in the little bundle of nerves at her core. I completely had her under my control now.

She moaned as the pressure from my hand increased on her clit. “Does it feel good?” I muttered close to her ear and kissed just below it on her neck.

“Uh huh.” Her hips started rotating to meet my finger’s pace.

“I want to hear you say it Taylor. Tell me how this feels,” I grunted, fixing my position again so I could really work her.

“Oh God Josh, you’re making me so wet right now.” Yeah I could get used to this, having a girl  practically beg for me.

“Wet huh?” I reached my hand below the shorts she was wearing and ran my index finger along her hot wet slit. She was right. “You are. Damn. How do we take care of this little situation?” I nuzzled my mouth in the cook of her neck while I continued to stroke her. She was going crazy and I couldn’t get enough of it.

“Oh you’re making me so hot! I want you to...” She paused and covered her eyes as she tried to get a firm grasp on the situation.

“What Taylor? You want me to fuck you now?” I asked, taking my hand out of her.

“Yes, please. Do whatever you want to me,” she cried out, already lifting her shirt over her head. I crawled off the bed to slip off my boxers and get a condom out of my nightstand. Finally this was happening. Another notch on the bedpost for me. One step closer to getting over Vanessa. She rose her hips to take off her shorts and studied my naked form while I rolled the condom on. I couldn't help but notice how sexy it was when she kept licking her lips.

“Ready?” I asked, hovering over her and letting my cock rest between her legs. She nodded and held onto my biceps while her legs parted and I slid all the way in. She was nice and tight, her muscles hugging my dick perfectly as I slowly pulled out. She and I both cried out in long winded moans when I plunged into her again. Slow and steady, our hips rocked against each other and every thrust I delivered brought her one step closer to her peak.

I pinned her arms above her head as she wrapped her legs around my waist and began kissing and nipping at my neck. The skin between our rubbing hips, torsos and chests became slick with sweat and her breath was hot on my neck as she continued panting and kissing me there. With every flick of her tongue, my orgasm became closer within reach. “Oh fuck that’s good,” I groaned, pushing myself deeper and deeper into her.

Her face flushed as she strained to get her hands free so she could find something to grip onto but I kept them in place. Something as simple as restraining her gave me a sense of being in control and I liked having the upper hand. The hold her legs had around my waist tightened, followed by every other muscle in her body. “Yeah, right there. Oh my God Josh right there, yeah don’t stop. Oh God I’m gonna fucking come,” she panted. Her whole body started convulsing as I felt my own orgasm hit me at full force. I laid there for a moment, still inside of her, relishing the feeling of her walls contracting around me and her heart rapidly beating against mine.

When we had both regained our strength, I slowly slipped out of her, careful not to let the condom fall off and went into the bathroom to clean up. I was satisfied, for now, that I finally got to sleep with Taylor. And satisfied that I no longer had to pretend to be this wonderful charming guy that she thought I was.

When I got out of the bathroom, she was still in bed, covered up with the blankets. “Do you want me to stay for a while?”

I shook my head, scratching the back of my neck. “Uh, no that’s not such a good idea. You should probably go.” I picked up my boxers from the floor and slipped them back on.

“No it’s fine, really. I’ll deal with Dave in the morning. Come lay with me.”

I walked towards her and grabbed her hand to pull her to sit up. “Listen Taylor, that was really fucking amazing, but I’m not sure how this is going to work out. So I think its best that you leave.”

A look of shock spread across her face. “Wait, what’s going on? I thought we were having fun here.”

“Yeah Taylor, that’s all this was. A good time. I’m not in any position to be involved with anyone and if we were seen together, we’d be in a lot of trouble. That’s why you need to go. Right now.”

“Seriously?” She threw the blankets off, sighing heavily, and put on the shirt and shorts I let her borrow. “Fine. I’ll go. Call me when you want more than just a good time,” She hollered as she stormed off towards my front door.

“Don’t you want your clothes?” I shouted back.

“I don’t give a shit. Keep them.” With that, she slammed the door behind her.

I had no intentions of pissing her off but I wasn’t about to let another girl make the rules. Vanessa did that enough when we were together. This time, I was going to be the one calling all the shots. I figured a few days to let her cool off would be enough. She wouldn’t be able to stay away for long.


	8. You're a door I can't close

Taylor:

Days passed, how many I don’t know. They all seemed to blur together starting from the second I stormed out of Josh’s apartment. I couldn’t get him out of my head and I became exhausted trying to figure out why. When I’d close my eyes at night, all I saw was him on top of me, panting heavily, watching his cheeks flush as beads of sweat dampened his forehead. Hearing his ragged breath so close to my ear, every inch of my body had goosebumps at just the thought of it. I beat myself up wondering if I did something to turn Josh off. Did I move the wrong way? Was I a bad kisser? Something had to cause his change of heart.

I understood that he couldn’t be involved with anyone right now, he was busy with a career that kept him in a different city at any given moment. And since I technically was still seeing Ryan, even though we were on a break, I wasn’t in a position to be involved with anyone myself. But that doesn’t give Josh, or anyone for that matter, the right to lead someone on like that. 

He really made me think he was a great guy and I thought there was something between us. I actually would have considered completely breaking up with Ryan for him. But he showed me that I was nothing more than sex to him. He threw me out just like the condom he used when we fucked.

I was disgusted in myself for believing him. Every word he ever said to me, I ate right up. Had I known he was feeding me lies from the beginning, I would have been smart about it and stayed away from him. But I chose to ignore the warnings other people gave me and let myself cave. 

After being fed up with tormenting myself, I decided to brush the thought of him out of my mind and considered sleeping with him a stupid mistake. I hadn’t seen him around much which made it a lot easier to forget about him. I was here to learn about making movies, not to get caught up in something with a womanizing actor, even though the sex was better than any of the times I had ever been with Ryan. 

I wanted to take a little time to clear my head one evening after shooting wrapped for the day. Sitting around the apartment watching movies with Dave got to me after a while, and was no help in making me forget about Josh. I laced up my sneakers and dressed in comfortable clothes and made my way to the fitness center on site. When my phone rang on the way there, I didn’t expect to see Ryan’s name on the caller ID. 

“Hey Ry, what’s up?” I asked, stepping up onto the sidewalk outside the gym. 

“Nothing, just wanted to call and hear your voice. How are you?”

“Uh, I’m ok,” I sighed, swaying back and forth on my feet. Someone looking really good in a pair of red gym shorts, tight black t-shirt and Cincinnati Reds hat caught my attention, making me forget where I was, let alone the fact that I was on the phone with someone. He thankfully didn’t see me, I don’t know what I would have done if he looked in my direction. My breath caught in my chest as he got closer and then passed me, lifting his sunglasses to his head when he opened the gym door. 

“Taylor? Are you there?” Ryan piped in.

“Yeah I’m here, sorry. I’m just really tired. It’s been a long day,” I lied.

“Aww, well go lay down babe. I just wanted to see how you were. I really miss you.” 

Hearing him say this was killing me. Part of me wished I never told him I needed a break. It’s not like he ever did anything wrong in our relationship. He always was so affectionate and proud to call me his girlfriend. Even when he went out with his friends, he’d call me in the middle of the night to say hi. He never would have talked to me the way Josh did when he told me to leave after we slept together. My heart began beating rapidly when I thought of Josh though, he made my palms sweat.

Josh was almost the complete opposite of Ryan. He wasn’t afraid of taking risks and only thought about himself and did what made him happy. He was arrogant and conceited and I don’t know why, but I was drawn to that. He mesmerized me without even trying. 

“Yeah, I’ll go lay down,” I said, walking towards the door. Josh was just inside, talking to one of the trainers. 

“Well before I let you go, I wanted to see if we could talk about us and what happens when you get home in a couple months. Maybe I can come visit for a few days so we can talk in person?”

I heard what Ryan said, but my eyes were still stuck on Josh. He laughed at something before his eyes darted around the room. When he found something to catch his eye, he fist pounded the trainer and walked up to a machine next to where a girl about my age was working out. I rolled my eyes, figuring he was trying to do to her what he did to me. Poor girl, she had no idea what was coming to her. I turned my attention back to Ryan. 

“Yeah, sure. When were you thinking of coming?” It was going to be nice seeing Ryan and knowing I wouldn’t be lied to the entire time. 

“I don’t know, next week maybe? I’ll see what my work schedule looks like. I can’t wait to see you.” 

“Me too. I have to go. Call me when you know what day you’ll be here. I can pick you up from the airport.” I pulled open the door to the gym and walked in, the smell of sweat and rubber mats filling my nostrils. Gross. 

“Ok, go get some rest. I love you.”

“Yeah, love you too,” I quickly hung up and got a lay of the land.

Looking around the cardio section, I saw no signs of Josh anywhere so I claimed a treadmill next to the window and turned up the music blaring through my headphones. I set to a steady pace, watching myself run in the mirror in front of me. I took note of the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep the last few nights. Josh had really done a number on me. I only hoped that by the time Ryan came, I’d be back to normal.

I was close to finishing my second mile when Josh came walking in and spotted me. His shirt was off and I couldn’t stop staring at him as he made a beeline for the treadmill next to mine. I let out a deep breath and took a sip of my water as I watched him in the mirror climb on his treadmill and set his belongings down. Part of me wanted to hop off my machine to get away from him, but the more I watched him, the more I forced myself to stay. 

“What’s up Taylor?” He nodded to me like the douchebag that he is.

“Hey Josh,” I waved, mentally kicking myself in the ass for even saying anything at all. 

“I saw you were on the phone outside, I didn’t want to interrupt in case it was your mom or something.”

“It was my boyfriend actually,” I snapped, “He’s coming to visit next week.” 

He slowed his treadmill down and scratched the stubble on his chin. “Taylor,” he leaned in over his handlebar and touched my hand briefly. “I never got a chance to apologize for what happened the other night.”

“Oh now you want to apologize, after how many days?” I rolled my eyes and stared out the window so I didn’t have to look at him. He reached over and hit the emergency button on my machine, causing me to stop abruptly. “What the fuck Josh?” He looked around and put his finger over his mouth to get me to stay quiet.

“Can I just talk to you for a second? Please?” He looked desperate enough so I decided to hear him out. 

“Fine. Go,” I snarled, crossing my arms over my chest. 

“Look, I’ve got a lot going on right now that I can’t talk about and dealing with that plus trying to make this movie perfect. I’ve just been under a ton of stress and I shouldn’t have told you to leave like that and I’m honestly really sorry.” He reached up and brushed my cheek with his thumb. “I never meant to hurt you Taylor.” His eyes became glassy and I could tell he really meant what he said. I felt bad for snapping at him. “I’ll leave you alone now.” 

He stepped off his machine and walked away, shaking his head, as if he was internally arguing with himself. I watched him go into the locker room and I bit my lip to the point where it was almost raw, contemplating whether or not to go after him. I felt awful for the way I treated him so I tiptoed into the men’s locker room, peaking around the corner to see if anyone else was in there and saw Josh sitting on a bench untying his shoes. 

“Josh?” I whispered.

He shook his head and continued taking his shoes off. “I’m too late, I know. I waited too long to apologize, now you’re back with your boyfriend. There’s nothing I can do now, right?”

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, not caring that he was sweaty. “He’s coming so we can talk about our what our relationship is. We’re not actually back together.” He looked up at me and his eyes were a different shade than they were before. “Sorry if I made you think anything different.”

“I just really like you a lot and I’m not that great with feelings and I didn’t know how I should tell you. So you’re definitely single?”

“Yeah, for the time being I am.” 

“So kissing you right now would be ok then?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow, his body leaning close to mine.

I looked down at his lips and watched his tongue sweep over them before he smirked at me. I had to taste him again. “Yeah, that would be ok.” I turned towards him and closed my eyes, feeling both of his hands grab my cheeks, and then his lips were on mine. 

It was as if we were still in his bedroom like the other night. Fingers danced on skin, groans filled the room, we were all over each other. I enjoyed it more knowing we stood the chance of being walked in on at any moment. He stood me up and hurriedly pulled me into one of the shower stalls and pressed my back up against the cold tiles as he rid me of my clothes.

He turned on the shower head and stepped out of his shorts before attacking my lips again. My fingers curled around him and he released a low moan that made me weak in the knees as I ran my hand along his smooth, wet shaft. “Ugh yeah that’s it,” he uttered, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as his head tilted up towards the ceiling. I nipped at his collarbone and drew my body closer to him, feeling the temperature at my core rise with every passing second. 

His head dropped so he was now looking at me through the drops of water falling between us. When he spun me around so I was facing the wall, it took me by surprise. He guided my hands up above my head. “Don’t move these,” he whispered close to my ear before delivering a trail of kisses across my shoulder blades. He nudged my legs apart with his hand and I peeked at him from over my shoulder and watched him run his index and middle fingers over his tongue before plunging them into me. “Yeah baby so wet for me. Just how I like it.”

I tried as hard as I could to keep quiet, but his fingers felt so good that I had to cry out. “Shhh.” He covered my mouth. “You have to be quiet. Now bend over.” I did as he asked, still keeping my hands on the wall, and felt him pull my hips towards him. I couldn’t get enough out of being in his control. It kept me on my toes waiting to see what he’d do next. Then he teased me a few times with the head of his dick, sliding it up and down my folds, it was almost torture. When I least expected it, he slid in, a low hum rattling in his chest. “Take it just like that,” he hissed.

He clung onto me as he thrust in and out, digging his fingers into my hips, and if there was any pain associated with it, I couldn’t feel it because of the pleasure he was giving me between my legs. His pace was quick and even, bringing me closer to my peak. “Oh fuck, your tight little pussy feels so good,” he grunted. I pounded my fists on the shower wall and curled my toes. I was so close and he knew it. “Don’t....stop,” I breathed.

He drove in deeper and I couldn’t hold on any longer. “Come for me Taylor.” Almost as soon as he spoke, the room began to spin as I was taken under and into a state of euphoria, unable to control the noises I was making. I held my head against the wall, waiting for his release, still trying to come down from mine. 

“Oh God!” He gasped and mumbled a string of expletives before quickly pulling out and finishing off into the drain. 

I stood there for a moment and looked back at him. “Can I take my hands down now?” He smiled wide and put his hands over mine and helped me stand. He spun me around to face him and wrapped his arms around my waist. This is what I wanted the other night, to actually feel wanted. He kissed the tip of my nose, then my lips, before running his hands through my hair under the warm water. 

“We should dry off.” He picked up his shorts and covered himself while he went to his bag to get a towel. He handed me the towel when he came back in, closing the curtain behind him. I quickly got dressed and stepped out to wait for him. 

“Do you want to go get food or something? You sort of wore me out,” I asked, gathering my bag and water bottle.

He stepped out with the towel balled up in his hands and shoved it in his bag. “No, it’s still too risky to be seen together. I’m going to wait a few minutes after you leave to head out so it doesn’t look obvious. I’d hate for you to get in trouble because of me.” He pulled me close to him again and gave me another kiss. “I’ll call you though ok?”

“Ok, you do that. I’ll see you later.” I kissed his cheek once more before sneaking out of the locker room. I knew deep down Josh would come around, he just needed a little time. Everything was working the way I hoped it would. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle Ryan’s visit, but right now was all about Josh.


	9. Say you liking how I feel (NC-17)

**Josh:**

My roommate from home, Andre, called me when I was driving to the set one afternoon to practice a few stunts. He was there the day Vanessa broke things off with me and watched me as I slowly fall apart. He could sense I was turning into a completely different person and even tried to warn me about the consequences if I kept up my current pattern of sleeping with girl after girl to try to get over Vanessa, but I didn’t listen to him. He still continued to support me and whatever I decided to do, but he’d turn his cheek whenever I brought a different girl home.

“Hey what’s up?” I answered, holding the phone with my shoulder so I could shift gears in the car. 

“I was out with Amanda last night and we went to that one restaurant in Malibu where your mom got hit on by the waiter that one time, remember?”

“Yeah I remember, what about it?”

“Well, I hate being the one to tell you this stuff but its my obligation since you’re my best friend.”

“What is it?” I asked, fearing the worst.

“I saw the wicked witch of the west there and she was with a guy and they were holding hands. Austin something. The bitch had the nerve to say hi to me. I was like um no honey, take your skanky ass high waisted mom shorts looking like you stepped out of 1983 and take a seat because you are not welcome here.”

I chuckled, “Yeah, Austin Butler. I know. She called me last week.”

“Oh. Well I was hoping you’d hear it from one of your friends before it got out all over the magazines. I’m sorry man.”

“Yeah. It’s ok,” I sighed through my nose, “It’s not like my sheets are cold if you know what I mean.”

“Wow. You just don’t stop, do you? How many girls has it been since you became single?”

“Uh, I don’t know I sort of lost track.”

“You have to put this behind you man. Keep this up and every girl in LA will want to castrate you.”

“I’m just having a little fun. It’s not like it’s hurting anybody,” I said, defending myself and my actions.

“It’s not hurting you obviously, but what about the poor girls you’re stringing along? They have feelings. If I was a girl I’d bitch slap you. What happened to the old Josh?”

“I don’t know who that person is anymore. I’m not letting myself get serious with anyone because the same thing will happen. I figure if I’m an asshole, no one will be able to tell me that I’m too nice.”

Andre sighed into the receiver, “Well, you’re still young. You’ll learn from your mistakes eventually. Just be careful. I’m heading into the office so I’ll give you a call later.”  

“Alright, have fun. I’ll be training all day. Take it easy.” I hung up the phone as I pulled into the parking lot of the training facility. It might have seemed like it didn’t bother me to hear that Vanessa with smitten with her new boyfriend, but deep down it killed me to know that she was happy with someone else. What did he have going for him that I didn’t? I had a lot to offer a girl. At least one person understood that. 

I wasted no time pulling out my phone and texting Taylor while everyone was stretching.

 **Hey what are you wearing?**  I typed quickly, hoping no one would notice that I wasn’t really paying attention to the safety instructions for the day. 

Just as I expected, I got a reply within a matter of seconds. My phone dinged and caught Jennifer’s attention, she looked over her shoulder at me while I read the response.  **Wouldn’t you like to know?**

I smirked, imagining her cheeks becoming flushed with excitement. **I would love to know actually. Something sexy I hope.**

“Who are you texting with a shit eating grin on your face?” Jen whispered, leaning over me to try and see my screen. 

“Not any of your business. Go back to your stretching. Don’t worry about what I’m doing.” 

“Josh, it’s really important that you and Jennifer especially pay attention to what I have to say. The stunts we’re practicing today can be very dangerous,” the instructor warned, making me feel like I was getting in trouble at school. 

“Sorry, I’m listening,” I replied. “Good job getting us in trouble,” I whispered to Jen who gave me the finger and went back to stretching. 

 **Maybe…**  she wrote back.

**Care to show me later?**

**Sure, why don’t I bring dinner over? How does 7 sound?**

I groaned internally. Dinner meant it was technically a date, but a guy has to eat so I couldn’t say no. Plus the bonus was sex afterwards.

**Yeah sounds good. I’ll be starving after training is over. Later!**

In the couple days since we had sex in the gym locker room, we managed to sneak away a few times to fool around. One day she caught me off guard in my trailer during a break in filming and I ended up bending her over the makeup chair. Every time we were together was better than the last. We were slowly learning each others likes and dislikes while being intimate and she was very in tune to my needs and always eager to please me first. 

When she came over to my apartment with arms full of take out, she happily greeted me with a long kiss once the door was closed, almost dropping the bags of food because she got so wrapped up in how my lips felt against hers. “Mmmm, sorry,” she pulled away and wiped her mouth, “you’re probably hungry. Is Chinese ok?”

“Yeah I’m starving, and wiped out. They kicked our asses today,” I replied, rubbing my sore shoulder. 

“Aww, well sit down and relax,” she kissed my cheek, “Dave is gone for the night so we don’t need to rush anything.” I followed her into the living room and took a seat next to her on the couch.

While we ate she asked about what stunts I practiced during the day, then we got to talking about how I got into acting and I told her a little bit about my family. I didn’t spill that many details about them since I didn’t want to let her in too much. The TV was on in the background and I wasn’t really paying much attention to it until I heard my name spoken by a snarky entertainment reporter. “Not even a month after her split with Josh Hutcherson, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens was spotted with her new boyfriend, Austin Butler, in Hollywood today.”

“Aw fuck. Not this shit.” I reached for the remote and shut the TV off before they could say anymore. Taylor had a worried look on her face when she put her hand on my knee. 

“Wow, I had no idea you two were even a thing. Was it serious?”

“I’m honestly not ready to talk about it right now. I’m just trying to move on from it.” I looked down at my hands, not wanting her to see the pain that was probably spread all over my face.

“I understand. Well if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.” She looked around the table filled with empty food cartons. “I’ll take care of this mess and if you don’t want to….do anything tonight, it’s ok, we can just hang out.” 

“Oh, no. Please don’t think I don’t want to fool around just because of that,” I pointed at the TV. “I still want to,” I put the focus back on her so she wouldn’t think I’d be thinking about Vanessa all night. “It would be really hard to let you sit there all night and resist the urge to touch you.”

Her cheeks flushed as she scooted off the couch to pick up the empty containers. “Ok good. I’ll be right back then.” I got comfortable on the couch and turned the TV on to a rerun of Swamp Loggers.

Taylor returned a few minutes later and said, “Josh, I’m just going to use your bathroom really quick.”

“Yeah, take your time,” I answered and watched her close the bathroom door behind her.

When she came out she had a tie I left hanging up in there around her neck and a seductive look on her face. Biting her lower lip, she walked closer to me and lifted it off her neck and placed it over my head when she sat down next to me.

“What’s this for?” I asked, putting my hand on her hip and tracing my thumb over the hem on her jeans. She smiled and pulled me in dangerously close to her and played with the buttons on my shirt, leaving me craving to feel her hands on my skin.  

“I want you to tie me up Josh. With this,” she whispered, her fingers dancing over the silk fabric of the tie.

“Really? You like being tied up?” I asked, intrigued at her request and ready to play along.

She shrugged, “Well, I don’t know, I’ve never tried it before but I’ve always wanted to.” She looked up at me with big innocent eyes, ready to give in to one of her fantasies. I had absolutely no reservations about tying her up. The thought of it alone got me hard.

 

**Taylor:**

I swallowed hard, waiting for Josh’s response. He swiftly licked his lips and stared at me for a moment, as if he was thinking about it. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Josh as news about his ex displayed across the screen for the world to see and I wanted to give him something that would make him feel like he had control over something. Plus, I’ve wanted to do something like this with Ryan so many times but he always pushed the idea aside whenever I brought it up and said he wasn’t into that kind of stuff. It was always so traditional with Ryan. In bed, lights off, him on top, no foreplay, then sleep. It got to be so boring after awhile, there was no spice in our relationship.

I fumbled with the buttons on Josh’s plaid shirt, waiting for him to say something, hoping he’d say yes. A fire sparked deep within me when he pulled the tie off his neck and grabbed me by the wrist to pull me to stand. “Come here,” he muttered before crashing his lips on mine. He walked backwards as he guided me to his bedroom, kissing me the entire way. I managed to use my free hand to undo the first few buttons of his shirt by the time we got to the bed. He pulled me down on top of him, never releasing his firm grip on my wrist or his mouth from mine.

“Sure you want me to do this?” He breathed when we broke away. 

I nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure.” He smiled and wasted no time rolling me over onto my back and kissing me again while his hands worked to lift my shirt over my head. 

Grinding his hips against mine, I couldn’t help but whimper at the feeling of his denim rocking against my clit as the fire he started continued to blaze. He held my hands above my head and his breath was hot against the skin on my neck, giving me goosebumps all over. He lifted himself up and held my left wrist in place as he tied it to one of the slats of the bed. “Too tight?” He asked and I gave it a little tug.

“No.” I shook my head and watched him climb off the bed and walk to his closet. He pulled out a lighter colored tie off a hanger and sauntered back to the bed, stripping off his clothes along the way. He tied my other wrist to the bed and double checked to make sure both of my hands were secure. He then straddled my hips, planting kisses on my chest then slid his tongue down to my stomach before reaching my jeans.

He worked at the button and zipper, then slid them off  along with my panties and threw them aside on the floor. I felt so vulnerable not having access to my hands and being bound to something that made me unable to move much. If I didn’t trust Josh, I wouldn’t let him do this to me. He studied my naked and willing body for a moment, his chest slowly rising and falling in a deep breath. He then lowered himself and hovered over me and took his time exploring my body with his hands and mouth. All I could do was lay still and relish of the feeling of his soft, gentle touch and I never wanted him to stop. 

It was as if I was laid out on a silver platter for him and he devoured every square inch of me and I couldn’t get enough of it. The feeling of his stubble rubbing against my inner thighs as he went down on me, his tongue gliding over my sensitive clit, the way my nipples felt being rolled in between his thumb and forefinger, how his hips rotated in the perfect circular motion when he pushed his hard length into me. It was all too intense and I couldn’t help but tug at the ties keeping me restrained in an effort to grab onto something. 

The need to touch him was almost killing me and my knuckles began to hurt from keeping my hands balled into tight fists. “Josh you need to untie me, I need to hold onto something, I’m going to explode,” I cried out, but he didn’t respond. He growled and kept taking his fill of me. 

“Not yet. I’m almost there. God you feel so fucking good,” he moaned, throwing his head to the ceiling as his thrusts increased.

“Josh please, I’m not kidding, untie me,” I begged, shaking my arms to try to get them free. He didn’t respond and I could tell by the look on his face that he was close by the way he clenched his jaw and bit his lower lip. Then his mouth gaped open as he took a few short ragged breaths and I felt him spurt his hot liquid into me, going off like a cannon. I was so put off by him ignoring my request to be untied that I lost any ounce of feeling like I could come myself. 

**Josh:**

I rolled off her after I was done and couldn’t help but fall onto my back, I was so exhausted. I laid there for a few moments to catch my breath and cool down. “Josh, could you untie me now please?” She asked, just above a whisper.

When she asked me to untie her the second time right before I came, I became annoyed with her. She was the one who suggested that I tie her up in the first place. I sat up and freed both of her hands before laying back down, putting my arm over my eyes. Then I felt her sit up, “Thanks that was starting to hurt.” 

“Mmmhmm.” I was so worn out from everything that happened during the day that all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I couldn’t even move. She laid back down and put her head on my chest. “No, come on. I’m sweaty and gross. I just want to go to bed,” I lightly pushed her off. 

“Oh, ok. Sorry.” She rolled over onto her other side and got comfortable on the pillow next to me.

I felt her body shift as she found a comfortable position. “I really can’t sleep in the same bed as someone Taylor,” I finally said after a few minutes. 

I heard her huff out a sigh as she sat up again. “What is this attitude you get after we sleep together Josh? I don’t understand it at all. You’ve done this every time, you’re so confusing! You reel me in and then it’s like once you’re done with me you turn into this huge asshole who wants nothing to do with me.” She rolled out of bed and I watched her bend over to pick up her jeans and shirt. “I don’t think I can do this anymore Josh,” she slipped on her shirt and pulled her jeans up. “Someone who actually cares about me is coming here next week. I can’t be wasting my time with you.”

As soon as she mentioned her boyfriend coming, something inside of me snapped. It was happening again, I had a girl all to myself and she left me to be with someone else. “What?” I sat up and turned on the bedside light, “your so-called boyfriend is still coming? The guy who you called a stage five clinger? That’s just great, Taylor. Go be with him then if he’s so fucking wonderful,” I shouted, getting up from the bed to grab my clothes.

“I will! At least I know he won’t treat me the way you do.” She had tears puddling in her eyes as she turned away towards the bedroom door. “Don’t even think about calling me again.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t!” I followed her out into the hallway and watched her open the front door to the apartment. “There’s plenty of other girls who would be crawling to be in your position right now! You should consider yourself lucky sweetheart!” 


	10. I'm your one and only, only when you're lonely

**Taylor:  
**

The drive to the airport was a nerve-wracking one. What would Ryan say when he saw me? Would he know that I slept with someone else just by the way I looked? I spent a little extra time in the shower that morning trying to wash away the smell of Josh on my body that I just couldn’t mask. No matter what I did, his scent never seemed to leave.

Everywhere I went there were reminders of him, but I tried my best not to pay attention to them in the days leading up to Ryan’s visit. I couldn’t have my mind filled with another man when I was supposed to be thinking about figuring out me and Ryan’s relationship. I tried to put myself in Ryan’s shoes. What if he hooked up with someone during our time apart? I’d be heartbroken and betrayed, feeling like I wasn’t good enough. The only choice I had was to bite my tongue and hope he wouldn’t find out what I did.

Pulling into the parking lot at the airport, my heart began beating at a rapid pace. In a matter of minutes, he was going to be sitting next to me in this very car, probably studying every one of my features. He knew when I was hiding something and if there was any hint that I slept with Josh written anywhere on my face, he’d be able to tell.   

I took a deep breath and shut off the car before checking my appearance in the rearview mirror. Gathering my purse and almost empty coffee cup, I got out of the car and made my way towards the airport entrance to wait for his arrival.

Ryan stood behind a husky man who was talking on his cellphone on the escalator down to the baggage claim area. He smiled when he saw me and made it look like he was going to push the guy out of the way so he could hurry up and get to me. I couldn’t help but laugh at his sense of humor, always knowing how to make me laugh.

When he stepped off the moving steps, he darted to where I was standing with his arms open. I could tell he wasn’t sure if he should kiss me or not and I didn’t want to make it awkward for either of us so I buried my face into his chest and wrapped my arms around him.

When he pulled away, he put his hands on either side of my face and kissed my forehead. “Hey beautiful, I missed you.”

“I missed you too, so much, Ry.” I fell back in his arms. I was on the verge of tears. Even though we were on a break, I hated myself for doing what I did with Josh. It was sickening that I could actually believe that I could have something special with Josh.

“Hey, it’s alright, I just got here, you don’t have to hang on so tight. I’m all yours for the next few days, ok?” He picked my head up and studied my face. My body became warm almost instantly and I felt like he could see right through me so I swallowed back the tears that started to pool in my eyes and plastered a smile across my face.

“Sorry. I’m just really happy you’re here,” I said grabbing his hand and following him to the rotating conveyor belt filled with suitcases.

The twenty minute ride back to the apartment was spent with Ryan catching me up on all that had been happening at home in LA since I had been gone. Nothing he said really peaked my interest, but I smiled and nodded at the right times so he wouldn’t suspect I had a lot on my mind.

“So who’s in this movie again?” He asked as we were stopped at a light not far from the apartment complex.

I was hoping he wouldn’t ask anything about the movie but it was inevitable. “Jennifer Lawrence is the main character, then there’s Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Liam Hemsworth, Lenny Kravitz, Donald Sutherland who I haven’t met yet,” I took in a ragged breath as the light turned green and I pulled forward, “oh and this Josh Hutcherson guy who plays the love interest to Jennifer’s character.” Just speaking his name made my stomach do a somersault.

“Awesome, are they all nice?” He asked, drumming his fingertips on the hood of the car.

I cleared my throat, pulling into the parking lot in front of the apartment, “Yeah most of them are. So this is home sweet home!” I squeaked, changing the subject.

When we got inside, Dave was sitting at the kitchen table talking to someone on the phone. He waved at us and held his finger up to me telling me to wait a minute. I pointed to my bedroom for Ryan so he could put his things down.

“What’s up?” I asked when he hung up and opened the refrigerator so I could start making dinner.

"What are you making for dinner?"

"I thought Ryan and I could make a pizza. Do you want any?"

"No, I’m good. I’m heading out in a few. What’s up man?" He got up to give Ryan a bro hug when he saw that he was standing in the doorway.

"Hey long time no see," Ryan replied.

"Yeah very long time. I’m gonna get out of your way. You two have a lot to catch up on." Dave looked like he knew way too much and a lump started forming in my throat when I saw Ryan’s confused expression. We had been talking periodically so to him, there wasn’t much we needed to catch up on.

Dave stopped mid-way to the living room and spun around, “Oh Taylor, before I forget, I ran into Josh today. He asked if he could have his shirt back, you know, the one you borrowed after you went hiking together?” He raised his eyebrows at me as if it was nothing new to him.

“Oh yeah, ok. Thanks,” I stammered and plowed past Ryan. “I’ll be right back, Ry.”

 Upon entering my bedroom, my cheeks burned with anger and embarrassment. I was furious that Josh had the nerve to ask my own brother if I could give him his shirt back when Dave wasn’t supposed to know that I even went hiking that day. He had my number, he could have sent me a text or called. I was afraid of what else he would tell Dave, or anyone else for that matter. He was only doing this to get under my skin because he knew that Ryan was in town and something inside of me wanted to rip him apart.

“So. When did you go hiking, Taylor?” Dave asked as he came into my room while I was sifting through a pile of clothes so I could find Josh’s shirt. I wanted to make sure I still had it. I thought I had given it back to him.

“A couple weeks ago. No big deal.” Low and behold, I found his shirt under a pair of my jeans. I brushed my fingertips over the buttons on the front, remembering when he undid them one at a time so his mouth could reach my bare chest and when he got the shirt open, how tender he was when he kissed the skin there. A warm sensation came over me and I was unable to stop it.

Dave stepped further into my room and knelt down beside me. “Listen, I can’t help but wonder if something is going on between you and Josh. It was really weird for him to ask me to ask you for his shirt back. It’s really none of my business, but if there’s something you’re keeping from Ryan, you better get it out on the table this weekend because he doesn’t deserve to get hurt.”

“Hey is everything ok in here?” Ryan asked when he entered the room. I dropped Josh’s shirt and stood up.

“Yeah, its fine. Are you hungry?” I asked, avoiding the subject of Josh’s shirt altogether. Dave left Ryan and I alone for a good part of the night and it was nice to spend time with him and wrap myself around his warm body and not have to worry about whether or not he was going to push me away because I knew he genuinely cared for me, unlike Josh who only saw me as a piece of ass.

Josh never crossed my mind the next day when Ryan and I were together and I was starting to feel like the person I was back home. While at lunch, Ryan and I had a long talk about where our relationship was heading and I told him that I needed to go slow, so moving in together wasn’t going to work for me yet but I was willing to work on our relationship. It felt good to be on on the right track.

  
Later that night, we went with Dave to his friend’s apartment so the guys could play poker. It wasn’t really my thing but I went anyway since it was something to do. I sat behind Ryan’s chair and rubbed the back of his neck while he was waiting for the game to start. My attention was focused on a baseball game that was on TV until someone sat down next to Ryan.

I felt dizzy and the room began to spin when I realized it was Josh. He smirked at me from under the brim of hat when he was shaking Ryan’s hand. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from lashing out at him.

Later into the night, Josh and Ryan were chatting like old friends, I needed them to stop. “Oh thanks for letting Taylor borrow your shirt by the way,” Ryan smiled, patting him on the back. Poor Ryan. I told him that I got drenched the day we went hiking and Josh gave me his shirt to keep warm.

“Oh it was my pleasure. She got really….wet that day and I just wanted to do the right thing.” He smiled at me and winked when Ryan wasn’t looking. My fist clenched into a ball and I couldn’t stand looking at him any longer so I got up from the table to get a drink in the kitchen.

As I was pouring a little extra rum into my diet Coke, I felt hands wrap around my waist. I jumped at the sensation it gave me but didn’t turn around to see whose hands were on me. “Damn you look good tonight,” he whispered close to my ear.

“Thanks, my boyfriend happens to think so too,” I snapped, turning my head to glare at him.

His hands traveled lower to my hips and he planted a soft kiss on my collar bone. I breathed in deep, trying to ignore the fact that he was turning me into a puddle of goo but I couldn’t help it. “Come on Taylor, what can he give you that I can’t? Hmm?” Another kiss hit my skin and lit a fire inside of me.

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on how angry I was at him. “Well for starters, he actually cares about me and doesn’t push me away when I want to be close to him. He respects me and would never lie to me. I trust him.”

“But he doesn’t make you feel as good as I can, does he?” One of his hands grabbed my chest as his mouth continued its assault on my neck.

"Josh, don’t, please," I begged, regretting my plea as his hand reached into my jeans and his index finger dipped into me, sliding forward and up my wet center. "not-not here….oh God…please, don’t…"

"Don’t what? Stop? Don’t stop?" His finger plunged back into me and he bit my neck just subtly so I wouldn’t get a hickey. "Does it feel good Taylor, when I fuck you with my fingers?" He grunted in my ear. “Do you know how wet you are right now? Does he make you wet like this baby?"

I clutched the side of the counter and closed my eyes, parting my legs slightly to grant him a little more access to my womanhood. If I had no willpower, I would have let him lift me up onto that very countertop and fuck me senseless.

"You know what I want to do to you right now?" He whispered against my ear and I could smell the whiskey he had been sipping on all night on his breath. I was so weak in the knees, my knuckles turned white because I was gripping the counter so hard.

"Wh-what?" I stuttered, hoping he’d say he just wanted to take me somewhere where he could have me anyway he wanted me.

"I’m gonna finger fuck you, right here, with your boyfriend in the next room," he growled with one hand on my sex and the other palming my breast from over my bra, "and when you’re close to coming, I’m going to stop."

"Stop?" I repeated, terrified of the thought of him torturing me like that. “Why?”

“Because, I want to drive you crazy. That’s what you do to me when I see you with that asshole in there,” he whispered, “and I want you to feel how I’m feeling right now. Frustrated, forgotten, sexually deprived. How does it feel Taylor?”

My eyes snapped open. How does it feel? Physically it felt amazing. I loved the way it felt when his hands were on me, but none of this was right. I couldn’t let him manipulate me again. If he wanted me so bad he’d have to fight for me and this was no way to do it. “No! Enough Josh! Just enough already!” I shoved his hands off me and stepped away from him.

“Woah, woah, woah. Easy killer.” When he moved backwards with his hands up in defense, I was overcome with power that I didn’t know I could hold over him.

"This needs to stop right now. I see exactly what you’re trying to do and this,” I motioned around the kitchen, “is no way to make me want you. Obviously I’m going to be with Ryan. Look at the way you treat me! You think you can just walk in here and put your hands on me and think I’ll leave my boyfriend for you because you’re good in the sack? You need to try a little harder than that Josh. I thought you were a great guy at first but now I see who you are deep down and I don’t like it at all.”

“Come on Taylor, you’re ridiculous right now.” He stepped closer to me and I put my hand on his chest to stop him.

“No, the only one being ridiculous is you. We’re finished here. Call me when you decide to grow up,” I spat, grabbing my glass and leaving him standing in the kitchen, dumbfounded.


	11. Nothing worse than when you know that it's over

**Taylor:  
**

For the remainder of Ryan’s visit, I did everything I could to stay away from the set so I wouldn’t have a run in with Josh. He really had some nerve to talk to me the way he did, especially after he treated me like shit prior to that. If he had so many girls lined up to be with him, then why did he approach me? What did I have that he wanted so much? Did he feel like he had to compete with Ryan for my affection? Was that all I was to him? A prize? I am not a prize to be won and I wasn’t going to let him belittle me anymore.

After Ryan left, I kept busy, clinging to Dave so that if Josh was around, he wouldn’t approach me. It worked and he stayed away, but I was growing bored of the same routine every day. I was beginning to miss home so I called my friend Courtney to catch up. When I told her that Ryan had visited she was less than thrilled about it.

"Why? I thought you two were on a break," she sounded worried.

"Yeah well, I just realized the break was stupid and we agreed to work things out. He left a couple days ago. It’s a good thing, trust me.”

She sighed into the receiver, “Oh boy. I have to tell you something and you’re not going to like it.”

"What kind of something? What’s going on?" I felt a rush of heat wash over me. I didn’t like her tone.

"A couple days ago, I was at the airport to pick up my brother and sister in law from their honeymoon and I saw Ryan." She paused to take a deep breath. "And he was with Melissa."

"Melissa? As in my roomate?" Why her? They hated each other. It felt like a bomb went off in my chest and I sank down onto the foot of my bed. "She was just picking him up, right? Please tell me she was just picking him up." The lump in my throat felt like I had swallowed a dinosaur egg.

"Honey he kissed her. Brought her in for a nice long hug, put his hands on her face and kissed her. I swear I didn’t know you guys were back together, or else I would have gone up to him and castrated him right there.”

My body went numb as the last four years I spent with Ryan flashed before my eyes. I didn’t think he had it in him. Sure, I slept with someone else too, but once Ryan came back into the picture, whatever fucked up thing I had with Josh ended. How long had Melissa and Ryan been doing this to me? He said he wanted to give everything he had for our relationship. I didn’t deserve this. Not after the hell I went through with Josh for the last month.

“Hun? Are you ok? Oh god Taylor I’m so sorry this happened. I know you loved him a lot.”

I became stone-faced. I bit the inside of my cheek to give my brain something else to think about. “I’m done. With all men for a while. Fuck them. Manipulating bastards who think they can come and go as they please, taking what they want and not giving anything in return. I’ve had it!”

“Ok, just take a deep breath and don’t do anything irrational. I don’t need you getting in trouble because you smashed a window or something.”

Tears stung my eyes as I tried to listen to Courtney talk me into a calm state. “I can’t believe he would do this,” I whispered, closing my eyes tight to let the tears fall onto my cheeks. “Why?”

“I don’t know why. Men just suck. Take a break for a while and focus on you. You deserve it. and when you get home, we’ll go out and have a girls night, ok?”

I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. I could only focus on what I was planning to say to Ryan. I told her I’d call her later and hung up, not wasting a second before scrolling to Ryan’s name in my phone. My legs began to shake as I waited for him to pick up. What would he say?

“Hello?” He sounded preoccupied, maybe she was in the same room. I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Is it true Ryan? Please don’t lie to me,” I spoke before I could talk myself out of it.

“What are you talking about?” He snapped.

“Melissa. I know everything Ryan. Courtney saw you at the airport with her. The same fucking day you left here.” My voice was shaky.

“Let me explain Taylor,” he attempted to rationalize with me.

“I don’t deserve this Ryan, I really don’t,” I hollered, sliding off the bed and pacing around the room.

“She came on to me earlier this year but I didn’t want anything to do with her because I was with you. Then we started hanging out towards the end of the semester and when you said we needed a break, she and I hooked up a few times and, I don’t know…” His voice trailed off.

“Then why did you want to work things out if you were with her while we were apart?”

“I didn’t just want to give up 4 years. I thought it would work out, but I don’t know Tay, it just doesn’t feel right this time. Like something is missing. You’re sort of a different person and I can’t figure out why. I’m really sorry. We just need to be with other people.”

Holding back the tears for the remainder of the time that I was on the phone, I listened to him apologize profusely for not telling me about Melissa. Then I called him a coward and a liar and a string of obscene names before I couldn’t take anymore and hung up the phone. I fell to the bed and cried into my pillow until I had nothing left. It felt like it was my fault that I was in this position. I couldn’t keep a guy. Simple as that. One wanted me all to himself but when I wanted to get close to him, he pushed me away. The other decided I wasn’t good enough and left me for someone else.

Maybe if I just focused on work and myself, I’d feel like I’d have control over something at least. So that’s exactly what I did. It took me a week to start feeling like myself, and after Dave and I talked about what happened with Ryan, I was ready to put it all behind me.

  
**Josh:**

Maybe I went too far the last time I saw Taylor. I wasn’t proud of the way I treated her. My parents didn’t raise me that way. But something deep down inside of me snapped and I felt like I couldn’t handle losing someone else to another guy. So I did whatever I could think of to make her want me instead. But that backfired.

If I was home in LA, I wouldn’t be trying so hard, but when you’re in the middle of nowhere and there aren’t many girls throwing themselves at you, you have to take what you can get. Taylor was the only one who went above and beyond for me and I didn’t want to lose that. I had to keep her wrapped around my finger.

She told me that I’d have to try harder to make her want me again, so I took a couple days to let it sink in and decided to take on my hardest role yet: myself.

I texted her a few times, telling her that I hoped she was ok and how sorry I was, but she didn’t respond. If I saw her on set, she’d either ignore me or say something to her brother as if she was using him to hide from me. I could understand that she wanted nothing to do with me now that she was back with her boyfriend, but it hurt. I guess I deserved it for the way I treated her.

The night a few cast and crew members decided to go out into the woods and have a bonfire, I hoped she’d be there, so I went along. She was sitting on a fold out chair next to the low blazing fire sipping on a beer bottle when I got there. I didn’t want to make her want to leave so soon, so I hung out away from the fire for a little while and casually watched her. She seemed to be in a daze, looking rather bored with her feet propped up on a rock and peeling the label on her bottle, so I took this as my chance to talk to her.

**Taylor:**

“Pssst,” a voice from behind me whispered. I jumped and turned around to see in the faint light of the fire that it was Josh. One of the last two people I wanted to see. I felt his presence right behind me and he tapped my shoulder. “Can I borrow you for like 2 minutes?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head no, then crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to ignore him. “Please?” He sounded desperate enough, so I shrugged and stood up to follow him to where he parked his Jeep.

“What do you want Josh? Come here to torture and manipulate me?”

He bit the side of his lower lip and rolled a stick in the dirt with his foot. His eyes were soft when they looked up at me. “Taylor, you have no idea how sorry I am,” he put his hand over his chest, “I was an asshole. I hated seeing you with Ryan but I just want to tell you…”

I cut him off, “Ryan and I broke up. It didn’t work out.” I didn’t spare him the details. The less time I had to stand there and talk to Josh the better.

“Oh, God I’m so sorry to hear that,” his hand reached out to touch my arm but I pulled back and he got the idea that I didn’t want his hands on me.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just gonna get going. I’ll see you around.” He didn’t stop me, he could probably see the hatred I still had for him in my eyes and didn’t want me to lash out on him in front of people.

I heard him get into his Jeep and start it up when I was walking back to the fire. I figured he had to be on set early the next day so I didn’t really think anything of it. It rubbed me the wrong way that he was being nice to me. What did he expect, to have me fall into his arms because he was being sweet? I didn’t believe him for a second.

I stayed for a couple more hours and had one of the crew members drive me back to the apartment. Dave was gone for the night visiting his girlfriend so the car was gone from the parking lot when I got back. I waved goodbye and thanked my driver for the ride and fished my keys out of my purse and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a dark figure sitting on the steps outside the apartment.

“Who’s that?” I pulled out my phone and turned on the flashlight feature. My fingers grasped my bottle of pepper spray as I shined the light on the person. Josh squinted his eyes and held his hand up to block his face from the light. A sigh of relief escaped me and I stepped towards him. He was holding a bouquet of what looked like two dozen white roses. “What are you doing Josh?”

He stood up and held the flowers out to me. “I came to see if we can start this over. And to apologize again.”

I watched him for a moment before stepping past him to open the door. “Have you been waiting here all night?”

He bashfully chuckled and followed me like a lost puppy. “Yeah, about an hour or so. I didn’t know when you were coming so I just waited.”

Leaning up against the door with my hand on the knob, I studied his appearance. He must have been desperate because he changed out of the hoodie he was wearing earlier and put on a really sexy looking leather jacket over his white v-neck. I exhaled a breath of hot air and considered letting him in. He looked so good I wouldn’t mind having him right there on the doorstep, but my conscience stopped me quickly.

“Well thanks for the flowers,” I politely smiled before turning the knob.

He reached for my arm and stopped me, “Wait. You and Ryan breaking up wasn’t because of me was it? ” I shook my head in response. “Well I’m still really sorry Taylor, for everything. I hope you’ll forgive me for hurting you.”

“I accept your apology Josh but I can’t forgive you for what you did. Not yet. You need to earn my trust back.” My emotions may have been raw because of what happened with Ryan, but I was not about to cave that easily.

“Yeah I understand that. I’m willing to show you that you can trust me. I hope you know that I really like you Taylor,” his gaze narrowed as his thumb brushed my cheek, “and if it means we can only be friends, I’ll take that. As long as I can be around you, that’s all I need.”


	12. I was doing so good but you always win

**Taylor:**

I swallowed hard and considered his offer. Was this part of his plan or was he being genuine? His golden eyes told me that he was being serious, but he’s an actor, so how was I supposed to believe anything that came out of his mouth? He took his hand away from my face and shoved it into his jacket pocket, sensing I was getting a little uncomfortable.

“Well, I better get some sleep. Early day tomorrow.” He bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at his shoes. “I hope you like the flowers.”

“Yeah, thanks. I do,” I replied, being rather short with him. I wasn’t going to give him the benefit of the doubt just because he had some weird change of heart. “Goodnight Josh.” I turned to step inside.

“Goodnight Taylor,” his voice was husky and wanting and he looked up at me from under his brows. Maybe he was doing it on purpose because he knew I liked when he did that, but all I did was give him a friendly nod and closed the door behind me.

Was he just trying to butter me up so he could sleep with me again or was this honestly him changing for me? The truth is that I really did like him before he started playing games with me. Maybe giving him one more chance wouldn’t hurt. It would give me a chance to test his sincerity.

A few nights later, when Dave was working on set into the early morning, I was about to take a shower and turn in for the night when I heard a knock on the door. I was a little hesitant to answer since it was so late at night but I had a feeling it was Josh since he wasn’t filming the scenes being shot that night.

Biting my lower lip, I looked through the peephole and saw that my inkling was right. What did he want? Damn he looked good in a white Henley and Cincinnati Reds hat, but I didn’t let that get to me. I was still very weary of him, regardless of how hot he was. I opened the door, bracing myself for the feeling I got whenever he was around that made me hot all over, and met his eyes.

“Hey, sorry to bother you so late,” he greeted.

“It’s ok. Do you need something?” On the outside I looked calm and confident but he never failed to make me turn to mush on the inside. As much as I hated him, there was still something about him that I couldn’t resist.

He shot me a half smirk and it felt like a bullet hit my chest. “No, I was bored so I wanted to see if you wanted to go get some food and maybe we can watch a movie or something.”

“What about the line of girls crawling to be with you? They all had plans tonight?” I replied, opening the door all the way. He chuckled, amused with my response and stepped closer towards me.

“Come on Taylor, I’m trying to be your friend here. Can’t you just give me one chance to show you that you can trust me? I won’t try anything, I promise.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Look, I’ll keep these here all night. Please?” When he pouted his lip out, I decided to give him just this one chance.

“Alright fine. Come in. Let me just get my bag.” I moved aside so he could walk in and he stepped into the living room and looked around at the couple photos Dave and I had of our family members sitting on a shelf. I quickly ran to my bedroom and picked up my purse and checked my appearance in the mirror.

He was holding one of the picture frames and turned towards me when I stepped back into the living room. “Are these your parents?” He asked, pointing to the center of the photo. I walked over to him and grabbed the frame.

“Yeah, and my brother, and that’s my aunt and uncle and my grandma is on the end, she died earlier this year. This was our last family vacation together in Florida last  summer.” Josh’s eyes moved up to meet mine and his cocky smirk faded and I put the picture back in its place.

“Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that.” His hand fell on my shoulder and I became hot with his fingers on my bare skin. Dammit I hated the effect he had on me.

“Thanks. She was the best. She went with me when I got the anchor tattoo on my foot,” I smiled as I remembered her, “she said she’d get one too if she could but she was a diabetic so tattoos were out of the question.” A lump built in my throat the more I talked about her and I suddenly didn’t want to share anymore. “I’m hungry, can we get out of here before everything in this town closes?”

Josh nodded and didn’t hesitate before grabbing my hand and leading me out the door. I didn’t pull back. He was trying to show me that he had a good side and this was me giving him a chance.

  
**Josh:**

Taylor was quiet as we drove through town trying to find something that was open. I knew she had a lot on her mind and internally, she was arguing with herself about whether or not she should be hanging out with me. I think she just needed to get out so bad that she didn’t care who it was with.

“I guess it’s Taco Bell, nothing else looks open,” she finally spoke, peering out the window. I accelerated toward the bright pink and purple neon lights from the sign a few hundred feet away and glanced at Taylor who was picking at her fingernails. Without thinking, I put my hand over hers to get her to stop because I couldn’t stand the annoying clicking coming from her fingers. “Sorry, bad habit,” she smiled at me then put her hands under her legs.

“It’s ok, just don’t do it again,” I joked, winking at her and pulled into the parking lot. “Shit,” I muttered under my breath when I saw that there was a group of 6 or 7 rowdy teenagers inside.

 I didn’t want to get my photo taken and if anyone saw me with Taylor, some rumors would start and I’d have to figure out some way to cover my tracks. “Is the drive thru ok?” I asked and she nodded, knowing that even something as innocent as getting fast food had its consequences. That’s one of the negative aspects of the business.

We stopped on the way back and picked up a Redbox movie, some stupid comedy that she wanted to see, then got settled on the couch in her living room and dug into our food. When she was done eating, she sat on the opposite end of the couch from me and barely moved. She was still uncomfortable so I tried to break the ice. “Can I ask you a question and will you give me an honest answer?”

“What is it?” She took her eyes away from the TV to look at me briefly before returning her gaze to the couple on the screen.

“What really happened with Ryan? I mean if it wasn’t because of me, then what was it? I’m just curious.”

She sighed and turned towards me. “Yeah, like you really care Josh.” Her eyes rolled and she turned her attention back to the movie.

“I do care Taylor! Really, what happened between you two?” I grabbed the remote and paused the DVD so she would stop avoiding me.

“He was seeing my college roommate when we took a break and he kept seeing her after we got back together. So I got screwed. He said I changed and he doesn’t know why things weren’t the same with us this time around.”

The look she gave me told me she changed because of me and I felt my face get hot. At the same time I was proud for being able to do that to someone. I never thought I’d be able to change a girl like that, it always seemed like it was the other way around and I was the person changing.

I didn’t respond, I just let her continue. “So I said to hell with him and all guys for a while. I’m really tired of getting fucked around and walked all over like I’m nothing.”

“Taylor, you aren’t nothing. You’re definitely something,” I replied.

She rolled her eyes again, “Don’t bullshit me with this sweet act, Josh. You think I can’t see right through you right now?”

“I’m serious, I’m not bullshitting you. I know I did a few shitty things to you and you didn’t deserve any of it and I’m really sorry. But I’m trying to show you that I care. I’ve been in your position. I’ve been walked all over and cheated on too and I know how it feels. No one should feel that way. Look, if I could take back what I did to you I would. I want to be friends, but you have to trust me.”

“It’s going to take me a while to figure out how I can trust you again.” She looked at the time on the cable box. “Dave is going to be home soon, maybe we should call it a night.”

“Yeah, I need to be in makeup at 5. Big interview with Stanley tomorrow, will you be there?” I asked, changing the subject.

“I have to see where Dave will be. He might be shooting some b-roll, so I’m not sure,” she remarked, standing up and flicking on the light.

“Ok, well, if its alright, can I call you when I’m done tomorrow?” I followed her to the front door.

“You can try, I might be busy though.” She was still a little distant and opened the door for me. I spun around, adjusting the brim on my hat and held my arms out, in hopes for a friendly hug.

“Goodnight hug?” I asked. She half smirked and lightly wrapped her arms around my neck. “See was that so bad?” I whispered into her ear before slightly pulling away to look at her face. It had changed in the 10 seconds that I had hugged her.

Her hard exterior had faded and I could feel her falling for me again. Maybe it was our close proximity. My hand fell from her waist to her hip and I gently kissed her cheek right next to her lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away. I heard her breath catch in her throat and my other hand that was stroking her arm felt goosebumps begin to form underneath.

 She wanted more and I wanted more too, but I stopped myself from going too far and gave her one more peck on the other cheek before stepping back. “Goodnight Taylor.” I smiled and turned away, hoping this little interaction was enough to change her mind about me.


	13. You can make a sinner change his ways

**Taylor:**

It took a lot of willpower to not grab Josh by the collar of his shirt and pull him back inside when he hugged me goodnight. The whiskers on his face tickled my cheek when he kissed it and I instantly became hot all over. A burning desire that I had for him still lingered deep inside of me and I couldn’t escape it no matter how hard I tried. Whenever he got close to me like that and I felt his skin on mine or smelled his cologne, he had me in his power.

Whenever he licked his lips, it seemed as if he was doing it in slow motion and I wanted to feel that tongue sweeping over my body again. I decided to give him a couple more times to show me that he wasn’t such an arrogant prick.

We hung out at his apartment one night and he showed me how to play this video game where you had to run around some empty building shooting people on the other team. I found that he’s a very competitive person. Not just at games, but at everything he does. That’s why he got so angry when Ryan was visiting. He just wants everything for himself and will do anything he can to get it.

He was grateful that I was giving him another chance to make up for what he did. If it was mentioned in conversation, he’d apologize and kept saying how bad he felt because of how he treated me and that he was raised differently than that.

The second time we hung out, we went to a daytime showing of a movie in town, lessening the risk of being seen together in public. He was constantly looking over his shoulder to see if anyone would see us, but thankfully, the only people we saw were older and didn’t recognize him.

We sat quietly in the back of the theater and watched a handful of people file in and take their seats as a few commercials showed up on the screen in front of us. He casually slipped his arm around me and I didn’t mind it. He was trying hard to be sweet and I had to give him credit for that.

Before the previews began, he leaned in close to me and lightly began tracing his fingers in circles on my back. “Taylor, I need to tell you something.” He was once again dangerously close to me and the cinnamon gum he was chewing gave off a spicy aroma, just the way his kisses tasted.

“Yeah?” I asked, turning towards him, trying desperately not to look into his eyes for too long. I was still on to him, despite being completely turned on.

He licked his lips and his eyes traveled along the neckline of my shirt before moving back up to my face. “I know I haven’t been myself for a while, even before I met you. And I know the reason for that is because I got hurt in my last relationship.” He licked his lips again. Dammit he needed to stop doing that because I was ready to lunge onto him.

 “The guy who treated you like shit a couple weeks ago, that wasn’t me at all. I hope you know that. I’ve been damaged for a while, and with you, I think I’m starting to feel like me again. And I know you probably still hate me but I’m really glad that you’re giving me another shot because I like you a lot, Taylor.”

So that explains the reason he treated me the way he did. It made sense to me and I couldn’t hate him for being emotionally scarred. I’m happy he gave me an explanation for his behavior but that didn’t mean things were going to go back to normal with us right away.

“Well you aren’t the asshole I thought you were, that’s for sure. To be honest, I wanted to castrate you for a little while.”

He chuckled a little, “I guess I deserved that one. But I’m glad you decided not to, I happen to like my man parts.”

“Yeah, me too,” I blurted, feeling my cheeks flush, “oh god, I didn’t mean that. Just pretend that didn’t just happen,” I sputtered, turning my head to the other side to hide my embarrassment. Josh laughed so hard he clapped his hands together, leaning forward to catch his breath. When he regained his composure, he sat up and put his arm back around me.

“It’s ok, I know you do.” Then he winked at me, and that small gesture made me wonder if maybe he still only had sex on the brain.

I smiled bashfully then lightly smacked his chest in an effort to tell him to not go in that direction. I think he took the hint because he backed off on any sexual comments for the rest of the day that we were together.

**Josh:**

When it felt like I had been worked to the bone on this movie, a break was finally scheduled. Four days wasn’t a lot but after long hours in the hot sun filming the first of the cornucopia scenes, I was exhausted and thankful for some time to recharge my brain and body.

Most people had plans to stay in North Carolina during the break. Jennifer went home to Louisville and a few of the guys I was friends with didn’t live too far away so they also went home and invited me along, but I didn’t go with them. I told them I was going home to my parents’ house in Union, but that was a lie.

Taylor’s brother left to visit his girlfriend in Ohio for the long weekend, which gave me the perfect opportunity to get closer to his sister. I could feel her warming up to me again each time we hung out. She felt comfortable sharing more about who she was and even though I tried to refrain from sharing too much about myself and my life back home in LA, she always found a way to pry it out of me.

On the second day of the break, about 10 cast and crew members decided to take a couple cars and get out for the day to visit a theme park a couple hours away. I was excited when Taylor told me she was also going and since the park had a lot of water rides, I was really looking forward to seeing her in a bikini. I ventured off with a few guys who wanted to hit the roller coasters as soon as we got there and I’m not sure where Taylor ended up, but I decided to give her a little space so she wouldn’t feel like I was trying too hard.

After a couple hours, we checked out some of the water rides and that’s where I saw Taylor hanging out by the pool with a few other crew members. I paused for a moment to watch her as she sucked on the straw in her lemonade cup and was a bit turned on. I studied her body as she stood up to get something out of her bag and watched the droplets of water cascade down her perfect chest and into the fabric of her bathing suit top. If someone hadn’t said my name, I would have been standing there for hours just watching her.

I crossed the sand colored cement over to her chair and brushed my hand across her back. She jumped at my presence, but then her face softened when she realized it was me.

“Hey! Where have you been all day?” She asked, patting the empty space next to her.

“Roller coasters. I did them all. I live for a good thrill,” I boasted.

“Ugh and you’re not sick? I can’t do the upside down ones, I’d end up losing my lunch.”

“No, they were a blast! Have you guys been here the whole time?”

Julia, one of the lighting assistants piped in, “No, we just got here a little bit ago, we walked around and went on a few rides. And that guy over there in the yellow shorts?” She pointed to some douchey looking guy in the pool, “He’s been stalking us all day. He wanted Taylor’s number but she told him off.”

Taylor proudly nodded in agreement then stood up and grabbed my hand to pull me up too. “Come on, be my partner on the 2 person water slide.” She made sure the douchey guy saw and that made me feel good. Really good. I was earning her trust back little by little. She’d be mine in no time if I kept this up.

“So do I get to wrap my legs around you?” I asked as we placed our inner tube in the water at the mouth of the slide.

"I don’t think so Josh," she scolded, shaking her head no.

“Don’t worry, I’ll behave myself.” I helped her get into the inner tube before sitting down behind her and resting one leg on either side of her. Before I knew it, we were being pushed by the ride attendant and were sent soaring down the slide, entering dark tunnels, through the twists and turns, having water splashed at us from all angles.

We crashed into the giant pool at the bottom within a couple of minutes and I noticed that Taylor’s top had become untied a little. “Come here, your top is coming undone.” 

"Oh, thanks." She stepped closer to me so that our bodies were touching and I slipped my arms around her neck and pulled the string of her top until it came undone completely then tied a tight knot. I watched her eyes flutter shut and her mouth parted open so she could take in a deep breath while my hands were on her. I knew that look on her face. The same one when I kissed her cheek the other night. She was having a hard time resisting me.

An hour went by before everyone decided to walk through the park one more time before heading back to Asheville. Some people wanted to go on a couple more rides and I was definitely up for it. A group of us chose one of the suspended roller coasters and headed towards the line.

“Taylor are you coming?” Asked Danny, a cameraman who tagged along.

“No, I’m good. I don’t do these ones. Go ahead.” She shooed us along and stood up against the metal railing outside of where the line began.

“Oh come on, don’t be such a wimp, this is nothing! Everyone else is going but you.” Danny tried again.

“No, seriously, I’m fine right here by myself.”

“No, no, no. Come on you’re doing this. It’s not so bad! Look, it has like two loops. You’ll be fine.” He grabbed her arm and started pulling her towards the line.”Come on you can sit next to me, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“Hey!” I spoke up, “Leave her alone man, she doesn’t have to go on if she doesn’t want to.” Danny rolled his eyes and stepped back into the line and Taylor began walking towards a bench near the exit. I didn’t want to leave her alone so I chose to skip the ride and waited with her while everyone else went on.

“Are you ok?” I couldn’t help but notice that she had been a little quiet for the last half hour and was hoping I didn’t do anything wrong.

“I don’t know. My head is starting to hurt. Too much sun I guess. I’ll be alright once I get home and lie down.” She rubbed her forehead and I could see that she was in pain.

“Well, I’ll see if some people want to leave when they get off the ride and I’ll have them stop somewhere so you can get some Tylenol or something.” She nodded and pushed her head against my shoulder to block the sun hitting her face. “Do you want my hat so you have some shade?” She shook her head no. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just put an arm around her and massaged the back of her neck, trying to alleviate some of the tension she was feeling while we waited.

I convinced a few people who got off the ride to leave the park while the others stayed behind. Taylor sat in the back of one of the minivans we came in and immediately closed her eyes against the window before the driver even closed the door. I climbed in next to her and pulled her towards me and told her she could rest her head on my lap if she wanted to so she’d be more comfortable.

 I played with her hair for a little while and when she was almost asleep, she grabbed my free hand and linked our fingers together. When she did, I felt something. A warmth surged through my whole body. But once that feeling had run it’s course, I was hit with an undeniable feeling of regret for what I was putting her through.


	14. Please don't take your time

**Taylor:**

Josh really showed me that deep down, underneath the ugly, heartless mask he had been wearing for the last month and a half, there was a kind hearted and gentle person who wanted to take care of someone other than himself. I don’t know what happened with him to make him change his ways, but I liked this side of him. He made me feel wanted and important. After finding out that Ryan had been cheating on me and Josh’s fear of getting close to someone causing him to push me away at first, I was starting to feel like I’d never be good for anyone.

The next day after the amusement park, I woke up to a knock at the front door. I must have fallen asleep on the couch after Josh left. He said he didn’t want to leave me alone knowing I wasn’t feeling well, so we curled up on the couch and watched a movie. He left when it was over, after he was sure I was feeling better. Part of me wanted him to stay all night. I wanted to wrap myself around him and feel his warm body pressed against mine. I felt like if we were to sleep together again that it would be different this time, more than just sex.

I rolled off the couch and shuffled to the door after the third knock. I had a feeling I knew who was on the other side. It obviously wasn’t Dave since he was still in Ohio visiting his girlfriend and he would have just used his key. I opened the door and when I saw Josh standing there, the butterflies in my stomach started going crazy like they always do when I see him. His smile was bright enough to light up even the darkest room and I couldn’t seem to hold back a smile of my own.

"Good morning. Sorry, did I wake you up?" He asked when he noticed my tired appearance.

"Yeah, it’s ok," I mumbled and opened the door wide to let him in.

"I figured you’d be hungry since you didn’t eat last night so I brought some bagels and coffee. Two creams, one sugar and a shot of espresso, right?" He handed me a coffee cup and followed me inside.

"I’m surprised you remembered that. Thank you," I took everything from him and kissed him on the cheek, "this is really sweet."

"Yeah you’re welcome, just wanted to do something nice for you," he said, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head.

I took a sip from the slot in the lid of my coffee cup, burning my tongue on the hot liquid, and set it down so it would cool off. “Why are you doing all this nice stuff? Not that I mind it but I’m curious. Where is it coming from?”

He handed me a bagel, lightly toasted with a little bit of vegetable cream cheese, something I mentioned that I liked to him once before. “I told you, this is who I am. And I really like you, not just because you’re beautiful but I like you for who you are. And when I like someone, I want to give them the world.”

He said it so matter of factly, like he was himself and not trying to sweet talk me. His words completely rattled my brain and all of my senses.

"If this is who you really are, then I like you too." I felt the blood rush to my face and I had to turn my cheek so he wouldn’t see me getting red.

He smiled and took a bite out of his breakfast sandwich, “Good. I’m glad. I’d like to show you something if you’re feeling up for taking a ride today,” he said once he swallowed his food and licked a few crumbs off his lips.

"Sure what is it?" My curiosity was sparked and I liked the idea of spending another day with him. I hoped we’d be alone so I’d have a chance to learn even more about him. There was still so much I didn’t know.

"Well, have you ever been on a motorcycle?" He asked, taking another bite and leaning his back against the kitchen counter.

The only time I ever went for a ride, I was really young. My uncle took me on the back of his bike around the block in our neighborhood. “Just once, but I was too little to remember it. Why?” The thought of holding onto him while on the back of a motorcycle made my skin tingle with excitement.

“I rented a bike and only have been able to take it out once since I’ve been here and I want to take you somewhere. I got you your own helmet too, it’s pink, since you’re kinda girly,” he teased.

“So what, I have a lot of shoes, that doesn’t make me  _that_  girly. You really got me my own helmet?” I exclaimed as I picked my coffee back up to take another sip.

“Yeah, this morning on my way to get breakfast. I figured you wouldn’t say no. And if you didn’t want to go, I’m sure I could find some other girl who wouldn’t want to pass it up.” My mouth gaped open and I felt the urge to smack him. When he saw the look on my face, he held his hands up in defense, “I’m just kidding. Go easy on me.”

“Yeah, you better be kidding, you’re not completely forgiven, remember?” I warned, poking his chest.

“I know, that’s why you need to give me a chance to make it up to you today. I promise you’ll love it. Please?” He looked at me like a lost puppy and I couldn’t resist that face so I said yes.

  
As soon as he started the bike, a jolt of adrenaline rushed through me and I clung onto him for dear life. He looked back at me through his aviators and chuckled at my frightened reaction. “We haven’t even moved yet. Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall,” he hollered over the loud roar of the engine. I took a deep breath and loosened my grip as he walked the bike backwards out of its spot in the parking lot.

We took off down the road and it took me a few minutes to get over my fear of falling off the back of the bike. As he kicked the bike into high gear, he turned his head back and looked at me to make sure I was doing ok. We rode for almost a half hour and I didn’t know where he was taking me.

I was getting a kick out of the way the wind hit my face as the bike curved through the twists and turns on mountainous roads and once we got to a higher elevation, the view was spectacular. The feeling I enjoyed even more was having my chest pressed up against Josh’s back. Our close proximity for this extended period of time was dangerous for me. The smell of his shirt and skin made my need to sleep with him again almost unbearable.

Josh finally turned onto one last road and we passed a sign that said Mt. Mitchell State Park. I had heard about it being one of the highest points in the East and when we reached the summit of the mountain, I was speechless at how far up we were. The mountains and trees seemed to go on forever and it felt like I was the smallest thing on earth.

“What do you think?” Josh asked as he turned off the engine. “I wasn’t sure if the bike was going to make it up some of those hills back there to be honest.”

“It’s…gorgeous. Wow. You can see for miles up here.”

“See, I told you that you’d love it.” He reached his hand out to take my helmet and took the backpack I was carrying during the trip and slung it on his back. “Come on, there’s a better view up there.” He pointed to a small observation deck not far from where we parked. He sounded like a little kid, he was so excited. He dug his camera out of his backpack and began snapping photos all over.

“I didn’t know you were a cameraman,” I mentioned as I followed him.

“Oh yeah, I like being being behind a camera and not just in front of one. Hey, look at me,” he pointed the camera at me and snapped a photo before I realized it.

“Josh, I don’t want my picture taken,” I argued but he insisted on taking another.

“No, you look beautiful with the sky in the background, see?” He turned the camera around to let me see the screen.

“Thanks.” I felt my face flush again. “You know, I’ve never really seen anything so big like this before. I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon one time when my family and I were visiting some relatives in Arizona but my parents, they had other things that were more important.”

“Do you get along with your parents? You never really talk about them,” he stated as we continued walking.

“Not the way you say you get along with yours. My parents are more concerned about what others think about than what Dave and I are up to. They didn’t even flinch when I told them I was coming here. I could run off and get married tomorrow and they wouldn’t care. Dave was more of a parent to me when I was growing up than my mom and dad. That’s why he’s a little protective of me.”

“Wow. That must have been awful. If my parents hadn’t cared about me, I wouldn’t be here today, that’s for sure.”

We reached the top of the observation deck where there were only a few people looking out at the view and we walked to the edge and leaned up against the railing.

“Yeah well, in my parents’ world, showing off your wine cellar is a little more important than cheering your daughter on at soccer practice,” I sighed, “I don’t really want to talk about them anymore so can we change the subject?”

We sat down on one of the benches and Josh told me about the time he was in Hawaii and did a flip off a cliff and didn’t do it right and ended up having to go to the hospital. Then he told me about his brother and the stupid stuff they used to do as kids at home in Kentucky. It made me feel good that he was sharing so much with me when he was so reluctant to do so at first.

He took his camera back out to take a few more photos of the view. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and when he noticed me staring, he put the camera down.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just wish you showed me this side of you before. I like it. And I like this, being up here with you, it’s nice.”

He smirked and took his sunglasses off his head and hung them on the front of his shirt. “I’m glad I can be myself around you. I feel like you aren’t someone who will bullshit me,” he replied, leaning closer.

His tongue darted out to moisten his lips and I closed my eyes as his mouth met mine. Even with the chill of being so high up in the mountains, my body temperature skyrocketed as I lost myself in his touch.

We didn’t seem to care if there were others in our presence, we had both been fighting to have some kind of physical contact since Ryan’s visit. It was a long enough wait. I only hoped that if I gave myself to him, he wouldn’t shut me out again.


	15. Sweet like candy to my soul (NC-17)

**Taylor:**

Josh really showed me that deep down, underneath the ugly, heartless mask he had been wearing for the last month and a half, there was a kind hearted and gentle person who wanted to take care of someone other than himself. I don’t know what happened with him to make him change his ways, but I liked this side of him. He made me feel wanted and important. After finding out that Ryan had been cheating on me and Josh’s fear of getting close to someone causing him to push me away at first, I was starting to feel like I’d never be good for anyone.

The next day after the amusement park, I woke up to a knock at the front door. I must have fallen asleep on the couch after Josh left. He said he didn’t want to leave me alone knowing I wasn’t feeling well, so we curled up on the couch and watched a movie. He left when it was over, after he was sure I was feeling better. Part of me wanted him to stay all night. I wanted to wrap myself around him and feel his warm body pressed against mine. I felt like if we were to sleep together again that it would be different this time, more than just sex.

I rolled off the couch and shuffled to the door after the third knock. I had a feeling I knew who was on the other side. It obviously wasn’t Dave since he was still in Ohio visiting his girlfriend and he would have just used his key. I opened the door and when I saw Josh standing there, the butterflies in my stomach started going crazy like they always do when I see him. His smile was bright enough to light up even the darkest room and I couldn’t seem to hold back a smile of my own.

"Good morning. Sorry, did I wake you up?" He asked when he noticed my tired appearance.

"Yeah, it’s ok," I mumbled and opened the door wide to let him in.

"I figured you’d be hungry since you didn’t eat last night so I brought some bagels and coffee. Two creams, one sugar and a shot of espresso, right?" He handed me a coffee cup and followed me inside.

"I’m surprised you remembered that. Thank you," I took everything from him and kissed him on the cheek, "this is really sweet."

"Yeah you’re welcome, just wanted to do something nice for you," he said, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head.

I took a sip from the slot in the lid of my coffee cup, burning my tongue on the hot liquid, and set it down so it would cool off. “Why are you doing all this nice stuff? Not that I mind it but I’m curious. Where is it coming from?”

He handed me a bagel, lightly toasted with a little bit of vegetable cream cheese, something I mentioned that I liked to him once before. “I told you, this is who I am. And I really like you, not just because you’re beautiful but I like you for who you are. And when I like someone, I want to give them the world.”

He said it so matter of factly, like he was himself and not trying to sweet talk me. His words completely rattled my brain and all of my senses.

"If this is who you really are, then I like you too." I felt the blood rush to my face and I had to turn my cheek so he wouldn’t see me getting red.

He smiled and took a bite out of his breakfast sandwich, “Good. I’m glad. I’d like to show you something if you’re feeling up for taking a ride today,” he said once he swallowed his food and licked a few crumbs off his lips.

"Sure what is it?" My curiosity was sparked and I liked the idea of spending another day with him. I hoped we’d be alone so I’d have a chance to learn even more about him. There was still so much I didn’t know.

"Well, have you ever been on a motorcycle?" He asked, taking another bite and leaning his back against the kitchen counter.

The only time I ever went for a ride, I was really young. My uncle took me on the back of his bike around the block in our neighborhood. “Just once, but I was too little to remember it. Why?” The thought of holding onto him while on the back of a motorcycle made my skin tingle with excitement.

“I rented a bike and only have been able to take it out once since I’ve been here and I want to take you somewhere. I got you your own helmet too, it’s pink, since you’re kinda girly,” he teased.

“So what, I have a lot of shoes, that doesn’t make me  _that_  girly. You really got me my own helmet?” I exclaimed as I picked my coffee back up to take another sip.

“Yeah, this morning on my way to get breakfast. I figured you wouldn’t say no. And if you didn’t want to go, I’m sure I could find some other girl who wouldn’t want to pass it up.” My mouth gaped open and I felt the urge to smack him. When he saw the look on my face, he held his hands up in defense, “I’m just kidding. Go easy on me.”

“Yeah, you better be kidding, you’re not completely forgiven, remember?” I warned, poking his chest.

“I know, that’s why you need to give me a chance to make it up to you today. I promise you’ll love it. Please?” He looked at me like a lost puppy and I couldn’t resist that face so I said yes.

  
As soon as he started the bike, a jolt of adrenaline rushed through me and I clung onto him for dear life. He looked back at me through his aviators and chuckled at my frightened reaction. “We haven’t even moved yet. Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall,” he hollered over the loud roar of the engine. I took a deep breath and loosened my grip as he walked the bike backwards out of its spot in the parking lot.

We took off down the road and it took me a few minutes to get over my fear of falling off the back of the bike. As he kicked the bike into high gear, he turned his head back and looked at me to make sure I was doing ok. We rode for almost a half hour and I didn’t know where he was taking me.

I was getting a kick out of the way the wind hit my face as the bike curved through the twists and turns on mountainous roads and once we got to a higher elevation, the view was spectacular. The feeling I enjoyed even more was having my chest pressed up against Josh’s back. Our close proximity for this extended period of time was dangerous for me. The smell of his shirt and skin made my need to sleep with him again almost unbearable.

Josh finally turned onto one last road and we passed a sign that said Mt. Mitchell State Park. I had heard about it being one of the highest points in the East and when we reached the summit of the mountain, I was speechless at how far up we were. The mountains and trees seemed to go on forever and it felt like I was the smallest thing on earth.

“What do you think?” Josh asked as he turned off the engine. “I wasn’t sure if the bike was going to make it up some of those hills back there to be honest.”

“It’s…gorgeous. Wow. You can see for miles up here.”

“See, I told you that you’d love it.” He reached his hand out to take my helmet and took the backpack I was carrying during the trip and slung it on his back. “Come on, there’s a better view up there.” He pointed to a small observation deck not far from where we parked. He sounded like a little kid, he was so excited. He dug his camera out of his backpack and began snapping photos all over.

“I didn’t know you were a cameraman,” I mentioned as I followed him.

“Oh yeah, I like being being behind a camera and not just in front of one. Hey, look at me,” he pointed the camera at me and snapped a photo before I realized it.

“Josh, I don’t want my picture taken,” I argued but he insisted on taking another.

“No, you look beautiful with the sky in the background, see?” He turned the camera around to let me see the screen.

“Thanks.” I felt my face flush again. “You know, I’ve never really seen anything so big like this before. I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon one time when my family and I were visiting some relatives in Arizona but my parents, they had other things that were more important.”

“Do you get along with your parents? You never really talk about them,” he stated as we continued walking.

“Not the way you say you get along with yours. My parents are more concerned about what others think about than what Dave and I are up to. They didn’t even flinch when I told them I was coming here. I could run off and get married tomorrow and they wouldn’t care. Dave was more of a parent to me when I was growing up than my mom and dad. That’s why he’s a little protective of me.”

“Wow. That must have been awful. If my parents hadn’t cared about me, I wouldn’t be here today, that’s for sure.”

We reached the top of the observation deck where there were only a few people looking out at the view and we walked to the edge and leaned up against the railing.

“Yeah well, in my parents’ world, showing off your wine cellar is a little more important than cheering your daughter on at soccer practice,” I sighed, “I don’t really want to talk about them anymore so can we change the subject?”

We sat down on one of the benches and Josh told me about the time he was in Hawaii and did a flip off a cliff and didn’t do it right and ended up having to go to the hospital. Then he told me about his brother and the stupid stuff they used to do as kids at home in Kentucky. It made me feel good that he was sharing so much with me when he was so reluctant to do so at first.

He took his camera back out to take a few more photos of the view. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and when he noticed me staring, he put the camera down.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just wish you showed me this side of you before. I like it. And I like this, being up here with you, it’s nice.”

He smirked and took his sunglasses off his head and hung them on the front of his shirt. “I’m glad I can be myself around you. I feel like you aren’t someone who will bullshit me,” he replied, leaning closer.

His tongue darted out to moisten his lips and I closed my eyes as his mouth met mine. Even with the chill of being so high up in the mountains, my body temperature skyrocketed as I lost myself in his touch.

We didn’t seem to care if there were others in our presence, we had both been fighting to have some kind of physical contact since Ryan’s visit. It was a long enough wait. I only hoped that if I gave myself to him, he wouldn’t shut me out again.


	16. Tap on my window knock on my door

**Taylor:**

“Yes mom, we are, she’s my girlfriend.” Josh’s arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in tight. I could feel the excitement radiating off Michelle who was sitting next to me.

Did I hear him right? I blinked repeatedly to try to grasp what he just told his mother. Did he now consider me his girlfriend? I had to know where that came from. Just a month ago, he seemed so unprepared for any type of relationship and now he was telling his parents he was seeing someone?

 

“Oh really?” exclaimed his mother. “Well it’s about time you found a nice girl Josh.” She grabbed my hand and patted the top of it, letting me know she accepted the fact that I was dating her son even though he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend.

“I meant to ask you earlier, I hope that’s ok,” he whispered very close to my ear so his parents wouldn’t hear.

Everything was happening so fast. I never said I was ready for a relationship and Josh had just gotten my trust back. Did I want to throw myself into something with him so soon? I know he liked me a lot and his parents seemed to take a liking to me and I think he noticed that too. I nodded in response, my heart racing a mile a minute as I thought about what I was getting myself into.

Chris and Michelle stayed for another hour before offering to take Josh and I out to dinner after filming wrapped the next day and said goodnight. Now that we were alone I had to find out what Josh was thinking. He was sometimes hard to read and I hoped that he’d be honest with me about his feelings.

After he closed the door when his parents left, I think he could sense I was still a little apprehensive about the whole situation. He crossed the living room to where I was standing and put his arms around my waist. “What’s on your mind? Talk to me.”

“I just didn’t think you wanted to become official or anything, you said before, that we were just having fun so now I’m just confused I guess.”

“That’s what I thought I wanted before, but I like being around you Taylor and I want to explore taking the next step. I feel like you and I sort of just make sense.”

I smiled, feeling my stomach do somersaults and kissed him softly. “You just have to promise we’ll take things slow. Obviously not physically, but I need to take my time with the emotional stuff. I haven’t been single long remember.”

“I’m in no hurry. We’ll take our time. I just want to have fun and know that you’re mine and no one else’s.”

"Of course I’ll be yours Josh," I answered. "As long as I’m your only one."

"You are," he whispered before placing his hand at the nape of my neck and kissed me. "No one else makes me feel like you do. I want to give you everything."

He had completely swept me off my feet. It was almost perfect, until I remembered one thing. We had to keep this whole thing a secret, at least until filming was over. Would sneaking around take its toll on our relationship? We were in North Carolina for three more weeks. Would we survive that? What about when we got back to LA?

“And when we get home to California?” I questioned, fearing that being in a different environment would change his mind. “What happens there?”

“Are you crazy? We’ll be together as long as possible. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.” He reassured my doubts with another kiss and I actually believed every word that came out of his mouth.

The next three weeks flew by faster than I thought. Josh was a wonderful boyfriend and did everything he could to make me happy whenever we were together. Sneaking around to see each other became pretty routine after the first few days. We’d find breaks in the daily schedule to just hang out and if there was enough time, get intimate.

If we ever went out somewhere, we were careful not to be seen and would usually end up going somewhere far from town just to be safe. I couldn’t wait to get back home to California. Not only so Josh and I could actually do things in public, but my senior year at school would be starting and soon enough I’d be moving out of my parents’ house.

I didn’t know what to expect as far as my relationship with Josh once we were back in California. He wasn’t a really big name in Hollywood but he said he usually got recognized by fans or paparazzi when he was out and about. I wondered how I could handle that since I had never dated a celebrity before. He told me that I shouldn’t worry and that I’d learn to get used to it so I took his word for it.

When the final scene was finished and Gary Ross yelled “that’s a wrap” I couldn’t believe it. It seemed like the time in North Carolina had gone by in the blink of an eye. It felt like just yesterday I was shaking Josh’s hand for the first time when he had me spellbound. I went from being just a piece of ass to his girlfriend and we were in a really good place. It’s funny how things have their ways of working out.

Once the celebrating on the set died down a little, Josh managed to find me when I was helping some people out of their costumes in a nearby trailer.

“Coming to the wrap party?” he whispered as I was unzipping an extra’s dress for her.

“I don’t know, Dave and I have an early flight tomorrow. I have to pack and stuff.”

“Just come for a little while. I really want you there,” he begged. It made me feel good that he said he wanted me to be there for him. I knew it was important for him.

“Alright, I’ll come, just for a couple hours though.” I turned away from him and continued helping extras with their wardrobe.

“Thank you baby,” he grinned and kissed my cheek quickly before anyone could see. “I’ll see you later.”

The club where the wrap party was being held was about an hour away and I rode over with Dave and a few other cameramen. There were hundreds of people inside. The lights were dim and the bulbs had been changed to a gold color to reflect the Mockingjay pin. People who had dressed as Capitol citizens weaved their way through the crowd serving drinks and hors d’oeuvres on trays. Small tables surrounded a dance floor and in the front of the club was a large table set up for the main cast, Suzanne Collins, Gary Ross and a few big shot studio executives from Lionsgate.

I didn’t see Josh anywhere right away so I followed Dave and his buddies to a table towards the back of the club. We were served drinks almost immediately and after a few minutes, Gary stood on top of his table and asked everyone to take their seats. He spoke for a few minutes about teamwork and dedication and how spectacular the film will turn out to be thanks to everyone.

My eyes landed on Josh, he looked classically handsome in a blue button down shirt, one of the ties he used to tie me up with and a pair of faded jeans. He was watching Gary speak, laughing when he made a joke, nodding when he said something relatable. It’s amazing how Josh handled himself in front of important people. It seemed like every person he came in contact with, he knew how to act to make them take a liking to him. Suzanne spoke next followed by a studio executive, then dinner was served.

Later into the night, I found myself getting tipsier after every drink I had. They were all so strong. I wound up on the dancefloor after arguing with Dave that I wanted to stay when he wanted to leave. I still hadn’t gotten any time with my boyfriend and I wanted to see him at least for a little while before we got home to LA. I danced my way around strangers and some familiar faces over to the main table. No one was sitting down anymore. Gary and Suzanne were in a corner chatting over drinks, Jennifer was on the phone and Liam, Woody and Elizabeth were looking over the crowd.

I waved to a few people and just as the next song started, Josh came dancing toward my direction with one girl in front of him and two behind. The Josh train passed me and he didn’t even realize I was there. I tried not to let it bother me since Josh is such an outgoing person so I stood off to the side. He seemed to be having fun and that’s all that mattered. When the next song came on, I got excited that it was a slow one and hoped that Josh would either dance with me or take a break so he could see me.

I made my way over to him and the three girls, ready to cut in. He still didn’t notice me and the girls were fighting over who would get to dance with him. One pulled on his tie, which I could tell he liked by the smile on his face, another ran her fingers through his hair and the other took his hands and put them on her hips and whispered something in his ear. My face began to heat up as I watched them throw themselves at him.

Josh nodded at whatever the one girl said to him and locked his gaze on her, all while I was standing within a few feet of him. I wasn’t sure what I should do. Was it my place to say something to him in front of those girls? We were still hiding our relationship from people.

All I could think to do was get his attention, so I brushed past him, making sure to hit his shoulder with mine and glanced at him as I walked away. The disappointed, pained look that showed on my face made his smile fade instantly. I hurriedly pushed my way through the crowd of people and found my way back to my table to get my purse. I had to get out of there; the people, loud music and alcohol were all getting to me.

As I stood up from picking up my bag and was about to walk towards the door, a hand grabbed my arm to stop me from moving forward.

"Don’t leave," Josh shouted over the booming sound of the music.

"Why not? You have plenty of girls to dance with you Josh." Tears soon welled in my eyes, making my vision blurry.

"I don’t care about them. Please just stay here with me?" Josh brought me close to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. His mouth hovered over my neck as I continued to fight him.

"No! I want to leave!" I shouted. "You don’t even want me here!"

"Taylor, I do want you here. I can’t’ be hanging out with you all night, what will people say if we’re all over each other out there?"

"I don’t know," I shrugged. “I hate this Josh. All this sneaking around is so exhausting, you know?”

"Hey, listen to me. After we get home tomorrow, things will be different, I promise. We’ll be able to go out and do things together and it won’t matter if we’re seen together or not."

"Yeah, I know," I replied, looking into his painfully dark green eyes and warming up to his charm. Josh spun me around, placed his hands on my hips and guided me to a dark corner of the club that was hidden from other people.

"You have to believe me when I tell you I don’t want anyone but you," he whispered in my ear, his hand grazing over my chest. I suddenly felt hot all over and rocked my ass against his hips. I turned my head and met his lips with mine. They were soft and sweet like candy. He lowered his hand to my thigh then traced it up into my skirt and over my panties. I pulled away from him but he stopped me.

"Not here its too risky," I protested, looking back at him.

His smile was wicked when he said, “It’s dark enough. No one will see. Let me make you feel good.” He kissed my ear then sucked on the lobe. “Please?”

I nodded, biting my lip and guided his hand back to my center. My eyes closed and I savored the way his fingers felt as they pushed my underwear aside. I grabbed onto a nearby chair to stabilize myself and parted my legs more to allow his fingers to slip inside of me. While he pumped his digits in and out of me, his other hand reached into my tank top so he could massage my breasts. The nerves at my core were tingling with each rapid movement he made and I couldn’t help but grind my hips along with his hand.

“You’re so dirty letting me do this to you here. You’re so wet too,” he growled. “I want to take you somewhere and fuck you so hard right now.” He took his hands out of me almost too quickly and stepped away, putting each of his fingers in his mouth and sucking on my juices. He left me trembling and wanting nothing more but to feel him inside of me, thrusting into me until I couldn’t take it any more.

“Did you drive here by yourself?” I asked.

He nodded, “I have the Jeep in the lot across the street.”

“Ok, let’s go.” I took his hand and led him outside before anyone could stop him.


	17. Turn your head and run

**Josh:**

“So how does it feel to be home?” Andre slapped me on the back as we followed my mom and Connor into the house after they picked me up from the airport.

“Pretty fucking amazing. I can’t wait to finally get to sleep in. Plus my bike has been calling my name since I left. And I haven’t played ball in weeks, my jump shot is probably pretty pathetic these days.”

“And you’ll be able to see Taylor whenever you want,” my mom chimed in. She and Connor flew out a few days before so they could welcome me home.

“Yeah,” I shrugged and looked at Andre who had a shocked look on his face.

“You didn’t tell me you guys were still hooking up,” he whispered as we walked down the hall to put stuff in my bedroom.

“We’re sort of dating, it’s all my mom’s fault. We’ve been hiding it from other people which is why I haven’t said anything,” I replied, looking over my shoulder so my mom wouldn’t hear.

“How in the hell is it your mom’s fault?” he asked, putting a duffel bag down on the floor.

“She and my dad were hanging out at my apartment and Taylor came over because she forgot something and they all met and my mom was beside herself and then she asked Taylor what our status was and before I could think, I told my mom she was my girlfriend. I couldn’t tell her what we really were.”

Andre slapped his hand over his forehead, “You never cease to amaze me with your dumbass ways. Well, do you like being in a relationship now that you’re with only one girl and not 5 at a time?”

“Yeah, I do. I’m not that guy anymore. She knows that. Have a little faith, I’m different now. Let’s go eat and get to this stuff later, I’m starving.”

A few days passed and I managed to settle back into my typical routine, even dying my hair back to its natural color. Sleeping in was a godsend and it was nice to spend a little quality time with my mom and brother before they went back home to Kentucky.

Taylor called me when I was driving back from dropping them off at the airport. We talked a few times since we had been home but hadn’t seen each other yet and I was dying to get her into bed. Just the sound of her voice turned me on.

“Hey, what’s up?” I answered, turning down the radio.

"I just got done meeting with my group for this project and I’m free for the rest of the day. Do you want to get lunch or something?"

"Sure I could eat. I’m on Ventura Boulevard, there’s this great Mexican place, Senor Fred. Lets go there."

"Alright, I’m like 15 minutes away. I’ll see you soon."

After parking the Audi in a nearby lot, I pulled out my phone and texted my friend Avan as I walked to the restaurant and called a few people back who had left me messages that I had been ignoring. When I arrived at the restaurant, Taylor still wasn’t there so while I waited, I sat on a bench outside and sent a few emails.

“Josh?” The voice of an angel distracted me, causing me to lift my eyes from the screen of my phone. Squinting in the sun, I looked up at her and nodded, my mouth curving into a smile. “Oh my god, I’m sorry to bother you but do you think I could get a picture with you? I’m such a huge fan,” she smiled, holding her hand over her chest. Her Southern twang made the hair on my arm stand on end.

“Sure,” I replied, standing up and putting my phone back into my pocket. She hypnotized me. Her eyes were the color of milk chocolate, her long brown hair fell to just past her shoulders, making my eyes travel to the low cut shirt she had on. The bright pink shorts she had on accentuated her legs that seemed to go on for days so perfectly. I had to shift my weight to distract myself from the natural stirring going on in my pants.

My arm wrapped around her waist and I leaned in close, the smell of coconut filling my nostrils, intoxicating me. God. What was I doing? I had a girlfriend. “Mom, can you take it with my camera?” She waved to an older replica of herself and put her arm over my shoulder while our photo was taken. “Thank you!” she squeaked, stepping away and almost killing me with how adorable she was.

“No problem at all. Hey wait, I didn’t catch your name,” I told her, moving in front of her to stop her from walking away. A sense of adrenaline washed over me as I felt my old self coming back out of the shadows, and it felt kinda good.

“Oh, I’m Nina,” she stuck her hand out for me to shake and when I took it, she lingered for a moment before pulling away. She bashfully looked down at the ground and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “My mom’s here for a work thing and I tagged along since I’ve never been. We’re from Georgia.”

“Awesome, yeah I could tell by your accent you weren’t from around here. You’re like a Georgia peach.”

She blushed and giggled, fidgeting her hands. I was making her nervous. “So um, where’s a good place to go during the day by yourself? It gets a little boring with my mom gone all day.”

“Definitely check out one of the beaches while you’re here. Santa Monica, Venice, Hermosa. They’re all really beautiful and tons of fun. Santa Monica has an awesome pier with rides and stuff.”

“Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun!”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be fun if you were alone. Maybe I could, uh, show it to you or something. How long are you in town for?” Oh fuck, I just dug my own grave. Did I seriously just hit on a girl while waiting to meet my girlfriend? But Nina’s smile was really hard to resist. I couldn’t stop myself.

“A few more days. I’d love for you to show me! You’d really do that?”

“Yeah maybe,” I shrugged, folding my arms over my chest. I was going to tell her about my motorcycle and how fun it would be for us to go for a ride and about how I had an extra helmet, a pink one that would look cute on her. I probably would have said all that if I hadn’t seen Taylor out of the corner of my eye. “Or you could always do a bus tour. So you can see everything.”

She also saw Taylor walking towards us and her smile faded. I think she had an inkling that I was taken. “Oh, yeah. I’ll definitely have to do that. Well, it was nice meeting you Josh. Thanks for the photo.” Nina waved and spun around to catch up with her mom and I shook all the feelings I was having out of my head.

Taylor darted to me, wearing a blue sundress that made her eyes look like sapphires and I was hooked again. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck. “Your hair! You’re not blonde anymore, I didn’t even recognize you. Very sexy.” She planted her lips on mine in a soft, warm kiss that I quickly stopped.

“Woah, we can’t do that in public just yet,” I looked around, hoping paparazzi wasn’t around. “Not til my publicist says it’s ok. We have to appear to be just friends in public.”

“Oh, sorry!” she said backing away. She patted my back in a friendly manner and followed me into the restaurant. “Let’s go eat, friend.”

***

We barely made it into my house before lunging at each other, even in the car we couldn’t stop touching and kissing every chance we got. Thankfully, Andre’s car wasn’t in the driveway so the house was completely empty. I slammed Taylor up against the wall before the door even closed fully behind us. “Ow, fuck…mmm!” she moaned and clawed at me.

“Are you ok?” I asked between kisses, my breath heavy with anticipation.

“Uh-huh,” she breathed. Her hands traveled under my shirt and she quickly lifted it up over my head and threw it at my feet. I ran my fingers through her hair and tugged at it a little, making her smile against my lips. She liked it a little rough. Having been with her a countless number of times, I was fully aware of her likes and dislikes. I knew all the right ways to make her body shudder, where to touch her to give her goosebumps. She had the same effect on me, every time she kissed me, she did it in a way that made my blood boil like lava.

A groan escaped my lips when her hands started working to undo the buttons on my jeans. She couldn’t get them undone fast enough. When the denim pooled into a pile at my feet, I rolled my hips against hers, searching for the friction I had been so desperately longing for ever since I took a picture with that girl earlier in the day.

Taylor pushed herself off the wall and backed me up into the living room, kissing me along the way. When we reached the Lay-Z-Boy, she pushed me into it and dropped to her knees. She was hungry for me, I could tell by the way her eyes lit up when she pulled my boxers down and grabbed my shaft. I took a deep breath and clutched the arms of the chair as she took me in her mouth. She swirled her tongue over the head before enveloping all of it. I closed my eyes and put my hands on her head, feeling like I was going to die as she moaned while she sucked me off. I loved when she did that. “Fuck,” I stuttered, clenching my jaw and trying to hold on for as long as possible. She cupped my balls in one hand and ran her other hand up and down my thigh. When I opened my eyes, she was looking up at me and I thought I’d explode.

“Come up here,” I breathed, fearing if she kept going, I wouldn’t be able to feel her walls clench around me and that was the best feeling in the world.

She released me with a loud pop, wiping the saliva off the sides of her mouth and straddled my lap. Wasting no time, she went for my neck like a wild woman, nipping at the skin just enough to make me crazy. I lifted her dress up over her hips and she grinded against me, making me feel how wet I made her. “God damn you drive me crazy,” she whispered before sucking on my earlobe.

My hands cradled her ass and I squeezed her cheeks as she continued grinding against me. “You know, you’re gonna make me come before I even get inside of you,” I admitted.

She smiled at me before pushing her panties to the side, not even bothering to take them off. She couldn’t wait either. She picked her hips up, holding onto my shoulders to stable herself and lowered herself onto my cock. We both hissed as she slid further down my shaft, her walls tightening up around me.

“Oh god Josh!” Her body shook as she rose up again, I held onto her hips and kissed her, guiding her back down, nice and slow so I could feel every muscle contract. She rode me like that repeatedly, hanging onto me for dear life.

“Holy fuck, Taylor I love when you do that,” I moaned when she stopped to circle her hips around as I was all the way inside of her. Every fiber in her body, I could feel tense up as she kept a firm grip on my dick. She rested her head on my shoulder and I held onto her tight, encircling my arms around her back as she continued to move.

“Oh shit, I’m coming,” she cried in my ear, as if she was telling me a secret. I felt her shake, her toes curled into the backs of my knees and her fingernails dug into my shoulderblades. I picked her head up and kissed her as she rode out her orgasm, moaning at her taste and then I exploded, releasing everything I had into her, feeling the cum drip out of her and into my lap.

We sat there for a few minutes after she lifted herself off me, both too sweaty and exhausted to move. When I heard the garage door opening though, I panicked. “Shit, we gotta get up,” I told Taylor. “My roommate is home.” She immediately jumped off the chair and adjusted her dress before running to the entryway to retrieve my jeans and shirt.

Andre walked in just as I finished the last button on my jeans and seemed surprised that Taylor was there.

“Heeeeyyy…Josh.” He was weary that we looked a little suspicious. He dropped the bags he was carrying and held his hand out. “And you must be…Taylor?” He looked to me for confirmation, not knowing if she was just another hook-up or not and I nodded.

Taylor stayed at the house for a few more hours before she had to go to help her roommate with something. Andre took a liking to her the way my mom did. She seemed to fit in pretty well with the most important people in my life but if felt like something was missing. She wasn’t anywhere near controlling or overbearing but I still felt like she was holding me back. There were so many gorgeous girls I saw that I could have had a chance with in LA. Not like in North Carolina where Taylor was the only one who got me hot.

***

A couple weeks went by and Taylor and I only saw each other one other time because she was so busy at school and I was able to get some work done on a charity I was starting with Andre, Avan and our friend Heather. Andre and I had friends over to the house almost every night, old ones that I hadn’t seen in a long time. They’d invite girls with them and things would get pretty crazy, but I never slept with any of them.

One day while I was playing basketball with a few guys at the park, temptation got the best of me. A group of girls who knew my friend Jarod came to watch us play. They were all really cute, one of them resembling my ex Vanessa. I would have done anything to get a taste of her. She was really flirty too, playfully shoving me if I said something that made her laugh or grabbing on my arm, commenting on the muscle I still had from my role as Peeta.

When the game ended, she told me she was having some people over at her house the next night and really wanted me to come. Jarod was already set on going and begged me to go when I said I’d think about it.

“Come on man, please. You’re my wingman. If you go I guarantee you’ll get with her.” He put his arm over my shoulder and spun me in the direction of the group of girls. “Mmm I bet she’s a freaky one too. I’d hate to pass that up.”

“I want to, trust me. But I can’t, Taylor, remember.”

“You’re so pussy whipped man! I don’t like this new Josh. I need the Josh that had game and slept with a different girl every night. You’re not even 19 yet. Come on, don’t settle when you can have any girl you want. And you never see Taylor anyway, you said yourself she’s always so busy.”

I felt dizzy and had to take a deep breath, I had no idea what I wanted to do. The girl at the basketball court was eying me like a hungry snake and I was curious, but then there was Taylor who I already hurt in the past. Could I do it to her again? If I ended things with her now, this was going to be it. I’d never be able to have her again.

After I got home from the park, my head was all fucked up. I had to get out for a while to think about the situation I was in so I took my motorcycle out of the garage and went for a ride. I rode to Malibu and parked my bike on the side of the road next to an old building across the street from the beach, my heart racing a mile a minute as I pulled out my phone, knowing that what I was about to do was going to hurt but Jarod was right, I needed freedom. I wanted to see what else was out there and I couldn’t do that when I was dating someone.

Taylor’s phone rang three times and I hoped to reach her voicemail so I could just leave a message and be done with it, but she picked up.

“Hi baby, what’s up? I was just on my way into my next class but I can talk for a minute,” she answered.

“Listen Taylor, we need to talk,” I blurted, leaning my head against the bike.

“Oh? What about?” She sounded nervous like she knew what was coming.

“We can’t see each other anymore. This is over.”


	18. Leave the pieces when you go

“Listen Taylor, we need to talk.” Josh’s solemn voice automatically told me something was wrong. Whenever someone says that they need to talk, it’s always bad news. I braced myself for what he was about to say.

“Oh? What about?” I swallowed hard, my heart beating a mile a minute. My shaking nerves made me feel like I was about to pass out.

“We can’t see each other anymore. This is over,” he blurted so quickly that I thought I misheard him.  

“What? What do you mean this is over? What’s going on?” It suddenly felt like I had been punched in the gut. Pushing my way past a few classmates in the hallway, I found my way outside of the building where my next class was taking place and sat down on a bench.

Maybe there was something I could say or do to change his mind before he decided it really was over. I tried to think of something else to say as his words reverberated through me like a lightning bolt. He was so short and blunt when he said it, like he was ripping off a band aid.

“I think we’re better off as friends. This relationship isn’t going to work for me. I just need to be single for a while. I’m really sorry.”

What was he going to say next? It’s not you, it’s me? He fed me every typical line when a person breaks up with someone. He didn’t even have the balls to do it in person and that’s what hurt the most. The fact that he didn’t even want to look me in the eye and tell me. Anger swept over me as I remembered how he hurt me before and how stupid I was to forgive him. If he wanted to be single so badly, why did he even ask me to be his girlfriend in the first place?

“So you get home and suddenly decide to end things? What did I do wrong? There must be something I did to make you want this.” My voice cracked and tears pooled in my eyes. It had to be my fault. Why else would I lose two guys in a row? Ryan cheated on me before and now Josh was breaking up with me for no good reason.

“It wasn’t sudden Taylor. I just don’t feel like I can give you what you need.” His voice was low and soft, as if he was sympathetic.

“Excuse me? How the fuck do you even know what I need? Don’t even think for a second you know what I need. I definitely don’t need you, Josh. I can do a hell of a lot better.” The tears spilled down onto my cheeks but I hid the sadness in my voice well. I was almost glad he didn’t do it in person now so he wouldn’t see how upset I had become.

“I know you can do better. It’s for the best that we’re ending this.”

“ _We’re_ not ending anything, this is all your decision. If this is what you want then fine. But don’t ever call or text me again. I want nothing more to do with you. I’m done.”

“Ok. Goodbye Taylor. I’m sorry.”

When the phone went silent, I dropped it onto the ground as my head fell into my hands. I started sobbing, almost to the point where I was losing my breath. I was absolutely devastated at the entire situation. I was really crazy about Josh. He was, for the most part, a good boyfriend. There were times he was a little distant but he was busy and couldn’t give me all his time once we got back to LA and I understood that. Now it was over almost as fast as it had begun and I didn’t know what to do now that I didn’t have him in my life.

In the next week or two, I just sort of went through the motions of everyday life, not really putting much effort into anything. I’d go to my classes but usually would end up staring off into space, counting the ceiling tiles or doodling in my notebooks.

I never mentioned Josh to anyone, not even my best friend Courtney or my new roommate Sheryl. I didn’t want it getting out to many people in my world. And if my mother found out that we had been seeing each other, she’d tell everyone she’s ever known. Courtney and Sheryl both could see that I had changed and when they would ask what was wrong, I’d make up an excuse about being stressed with school on top of starting a new job at a coffee shop.

Dave didn’t know about Josh either and I’m surprised he never suspected anything was going on between us, considering I was always sneaking out of our apartment to go see Josh. When I saw Dave at our parents house one weekend for a barbeque, he could tell right away that I was upset about something. I didn’t even have to open my mouth.

“What crawled up your ass and died?” he greeted when I walked into the house.

“That’s the first thing you say to me? Really? Thanks Dave.” I answered, rolling my eyes as I passed him to go to the backyard to find my dad.

“No, sorry. What’s wrong though? You look…” he looked me up and down, noting my disheveled appearance. “…like shit, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.”

“Wow, thanks again for that. It’s nothing. I’ll get over it, ok?” I avoided any more conversation and walked onto the porch and smiled at Dave’s girlfriend, Melissa, who was sitting at a table with my mom and a couple of my aunts drinking a glass of wine.

Just before dinner was ready, Dave stood up at the table and clapped his hands together once before clearing his throat to get everyone’s attention. “Alright, guys. Now that we have everyone together, Melissa and I have an announcement.” He held his hand out and she stood up next to him, wiping her hands on her dress to smooth it out. “A few days ago, I proposed and she said yes! We’re getting married!”

My mom gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth and stood up. “Oh honey, that’s wonderful!” My mom was elated. I never saw her eyes light up so fast. She darted to Melissa as she was slipping her engagement ring on and demanded to see it, then proceeded to show off her soon to be daughter-in-law’s finger to our relatives who had come.

“What do you think?” Dave asked as he watched Melissa and my mom interacting.

“It’s great. Congrats,” I muttered. A wedding was the last thing I wanted to think about at the moment. I had just started to feel a little normal but still hated the thought of anything that involved romance. “Are you sure you want to go through with it though? I mean, have you given it any thought?”

“Yeah. I love her. That’s all that matters.” Seeing the smile spread across my brother’s face made me happy for him even though seeing anyone happily in love made me sick.

As I was eating dinner, I couldn’t help but think about Josh and what he would think about my family. I had already met his parents and absolutely loved them. I’m sure Michelle wasn’t very happy about Josh breaking up with me. My train of thought disappeared for a moment when my aunt Debbie spoke up at the table.

“So Taylor, when will it be your turn to get engaged?” she asked.

“Oh. I don’t have a boyfriend right now so who knows,” I responded with a shrug.

“Taylor’s last boyfriend cheated on her,” my mom whispered like it was such a horrible thing. “She hasn’t had the best luck with guys.”

“Thanks for reminding me mom,” I said through a fake smile.

“Well I’m just saying, you always have a way of picking such winners,” she sarcastically commented, almost sounding happy about it.

“They aren’t assholes when I meet them. They just turn on me. I don’t know why.”

“Maybe if you carried yourself a different way you wouldn’t attract those types of guys,” she responded, taking a tiny bite of her potato and looked to those around us for reassurance on her comment.

I felt myself getting angrier by the second, not to mention the fact that I was already embarrassed that she decided to bring up my dating life in front of everyone.

"What’s that supposed to mean? I carry myself just fine," I snapped, dropping my fork on the table.

"I mean, look at you Taylor. Who dressed you? That’s not going to get you a man." She shook her head disappointingly.

"Well maybe I just don’t give a shit about how I dress these days. I just had my heart broken ok?"

She rolled her eyes, as if fed up with the conversation. “Oh please Taylor, Ryan was like three months ago. Time to get over it and move on.”

"I’m not talking about Ryan! I’m talking about…." Then I paused, remembering that no one knew about Josh yet.

“Who?” Dave interjected, raising his eyebrows at me like I was in trouble.

“Josh,” I meekly replied with an innocent smile.

"Hutcherson?" he asked and I nodded in response. Dave rubbed his eyes and leaned in close to me.

“I thought you said nothing was going on between you two,” he whispered.

“Well there was. We were dating the last few weeks of shooting. I just didn’t want to tell you. We kept it to ourselves until we got here. But he broke up with me so you don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

“Good. I don’t want you hanging around that asshole anymore, got it? You don’t even need to worry about guys right now. You just focus on doing good in school.”

I was lucky to have a brother who actually cared. My parents never seemed to offer the right response for anything. When my mom discovered that the Josh we were talking about was soon going to be a big name in Hollywood judging by the excitement over The Hunger Games release, she continued to grill me about not being able to hang onto a guy. She never once blamed it on Josh. It was all my fault. By the end of the night, I was sick of everything. My brother’s happiness with his fiancé, my parents, school, work, Josh. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole for a long time.

I decided that keeping myself busy was the best thing for me until I got out of my funk. I started by picking up a few extra shifts at the cafe I started working at when I started back up at school.

One morning after the 7am rush died down, my coworkers and I were restocking and cleaning up the front of the cafe and I overheard them chit chatting with each other. I didn’t know them well since I never worked the early morning shift before, but they seemed friendly enough.

"So I went to Avalon on Friday with some friends from college." One of the girls, Aly, commented.

"Oh fun! I love it there!" The other one, Jackie, responded.

"It was so fun. My friend Raychel met this hot younger actor and they were seriously all over each other. He wasn’t even 21. He had a fake ID with him."

"Ooooh! Who was it?"

"Umm…John? No..Josh! She got his number and I think they’re going out on a date this week. He said he has a motorcycle that he wants to take her for a ride on. Ugh, if only I could trade places with her, he’s so hot! I guess he has a thing for brunettes though so blondes like Taylor and I don’t really have a chance."

I smiled politely at her but my stomach leaped into my throat as soon as she said the name Josh. It couldn’t be the same Josh. There was no way. Then again, his motorcycle was one of his most prized possessions and it wouldn’t surprise me that he’d want to show it off to a girl.

"What’s his last name? Has he been in anything I know?" Jackie asked.

"Oh I forgot his last name but he said he just got done filming a movie based on this book series called The Hunger Games."

It was as if a freight train came out of nowhere and hit me as hard as possible. I stumbled back against a nearby table, dropping the empty plates I had in my hands and watching as they shattered to the ground.

How could he lie to me like that? He obviously didn’t want to be single if he had plans to take some girl out. So it  _was_  my fault. My mother was right. I’d never forgive myself for falling for him.


	19. You're talking to one of the greatest

**Taylor:**

“I think I want to cut my hair,” I blurted out one afternoon while I was sitting outside studying with Courtney and Sheryl. I was sick and tired of moping around and being sad over Josh when there was nothing I could do about the situation. He had moved on and it was time for me to do the same. I wanted to focus on improving myself. And not because I wanted to get Josh back or because I wanted to attract some other guy, but I wanted to do something good for myself.

“That’s random,” Sheryl commented. “Why all of a sudden? I can cut it for you. I can even touch up your highlights if you want.”

I shrugged my shoulders and genuinely smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks, “I just feel like I could use a change.”

****

“And so just like that? He dumps you then turns around and hooks up with the first girl he sees? Why are you wasting your time moping around over this guy who doesn’t even sound that great to begin with?” Sheryl asked after I spilled all the details about Josh while she was doing my hair.

“Yeah, he’s played these games with you for so long, no wonder your head is all fucked up. You should have given him the boot as soon as he started it,” Courtney said, looking up from the magazine she was flipping through.

“I know but,” I closed my eyes and remembered all the sweet things he said to me and the way his body felt up against mine. “I couldn’t help it. He has a way with words and he was so charming. Not to mention in the bedroom he was….”

“No!” Sheryl yanked the piece of my hair she had in her hands that she was about to brush blonde dye on and cut me off. “Don’t even think about him like that. He used you like a dishcloth. He kept you around for awhile then when he had enough, he threw you into the trash. Put him behind you Taylor. Why did you decide to cut and highlight your hair? Because you’re ready for a change. A Josh-free life.”

“Yeah, but it just feels weird. I mean, he had a bigger effect on me than Ryan had and we were together for 4 years.”

“Have you talked to Ryan lately? Word on the street is that he’s single again,” Courtney commented.

“Ugh, I don’t care. I don’t even want to think about guys. I need to get my shit together so I don’t fail my senior year.” I looked at the foil on top of my head in the mirror and laughed at how ridiculous I looked. “I think we should go to San Diego this weekend. Girls’ trip. What do you guys think?”

“Don’t you have a big test on Monday morning? You just said you don’t want to fail.” Courtney looked at me as if I had been missing for a year.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I’ll bring my stuff with me. We’ll be back Sunday night. I just need to get out of LA for a couple days. It will be good for me.”

The three of us made the drive down to San Diego after Courtney’s last class on Friday afternoon. It turned out that Sheryl had an aunt there who let us stay with her. The first day was spent soaking up the sun, shopping, and that night, we found ourselves going from bar to bar, trying to find cute boys to dance with. I definitely needed the time away from my everyday life. It gave me a fresh start and made me ready to take on the world without Josh clogging up my brain.

 

**Josh:**

"How does 19 feel?" my dad asked as we sat down to dinner.

“It’s not that different, just another year older I guess,” I shrugged.

Andre, Heather, Avan, Jarod and a few other close friends came to Cincinnati with me the weekend after I turned 19 to celebrate my birthday and I was grateful they made the trip just to join me. I couldn’t think of spending it any other way. Since I broke up with Taylor, I had a new sense of freedom to do whatever I liked with whoever I wanted, so I was really looking forward to seeing what girls I could meet in Cincinnati. I fell back into my old habits once I became single again, having girls eat out of the palm out of my hand and I was pretty proud of myself that I still had game.

“And where are you guys going tonight?” my mom asked. I was surprised she was actually talking to me. She was really pissed when she found out I broke up with Taylor. She also found out that I had been hooking up with a different girl every other night and it made her sick to even think about. She finally told me that even though she didn’t agree with what I was doing, that she was going to support me as long as I was careful.

“A few clubs downtown,” Andre commented. “I wish you were coming!” He gave her a pouty lip and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“I would but there’s a lot on my plate tomorrow. Next time I promise. Just keep an eye on Josh make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” she told him.

“I’ll be fine mom, you can trust me,” I smiled innocently at her and took a long gulp of the glass of IPA in front of me.

I was already tipsy after the few drinks I had at dinner and when I saw the seemingly endless bottles waiting on the party bus I rented, I knew it was going to be a long night. Slipping my fedora over my eyes, I took a champagne glass from Andre as the bus started pulling away towards downtown Cincinnati.

“Happy birthday buddy!” Andre held his glass up and tinged it against mine before downing the golden liquid. “Here’s to you not being an idiot and keeping it in your pants tonight.”

I laughed as I took a sip, “Ha, we’ll see, won’t we.”

Pulse was one of the last stops on our list for the night. The owner knew I was going to be there and let us all in through the back and roped off the VIP area for my friends and I to hang out in. The club was packed with drunk girls in short little dresses and ass-hugging jeans, bumping and grinding all over each other. The view was astounding.

After the first few rounds of shots, we all decided to make our way to the main dance floor to dance a little. At first, I stuck around my friends but as my body kept moving, so did my eyes and they liked what they saw. One girl in particular grabbed my attention and kept pushing past people to get close to me. Her cleavage looked like it was aching to be freed from the black halter top she had on and the long waves in her blonde hair made her look like a goddess.

She shook her hips as she moved closer to me and I was burning up at the sight of her long legs in the mini skirt she was wearing. She rose her arms up over her head as Usher played in the background and I did the same, reaching my hands up to meet hers. “What’s up?” she hollered over the boom of the music.

“It’s my birthday! What’s your name?” I shouted back. Her eyes lit up instantly and she wrapped her arms around me before kissing me on the cheek.

“Oh my god happy birthday! I’m Samantha, but you can call me Sammy.” She pressed right up against my chest and I could feel myself getting hard. She called her friends over and the four of them surrounded me in a circle, each one grinding up on me. I was in heaven.

Sammy offered to buy me a drink when the song ended and took me by the hand, peeling me away from her friends and led me to the bar. While she waited to get the bartender’s attention, she rocked her ass up against my groin and I couldn’t help but push my hard denim against the back of her skirt. I’d fuck her right there on the dance floor if I could. My hands squeezed at her hips and when she looked back at me, I leaned in and kissed her, licking her bottom lip that tasted like the strawberry daiquiri she had been sipping on earlier. She smiled and licked her lips before kissing me again.

Fuck yeah, I knew I could seal the deal. Going home alone wasn’t in the cards for me. After she handed me my cup, I led her back to the roped off VIP area. We shared a couple rounds of drinks and she told me a little about herself. She knew who I was and had a fun spark about her that I liked. We started dancing again and soon enough, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

My hands palmed her breasts as I kissed her neck all over. I was so drunk that the room started to feel like it was spinning. I swear something like this happened to me before but I was too incoherent to try to think of why this all felt so familiar.

“You’re so beautiful Sammy,” I shouted against her ear, making her laugh and playfully shove me.

“Stop it, you’re too sweet,” she smiled sweetly, her cheeks turning a little red.

“I’m serious. I’ve never seen anyone like you before. I’m embarrassed because I never talk like that but I’m serious,” I told her before picking her chin up and pressing my lips on hers. Her mouth parted slightly, allowing me to slide my tongue in and she clutched the sides of my shirt as I rolled my hips against hers.

“You want to get out of here or what?” I whispered to her as the music died down. She bit her bottom lip and nodded, glancing at her friends. “You’ll be in good hands, don’t worry about your friends.”

She and I grabbed a cab and when I texted Andre to tell him I was leaving, he was pissed that I didn’t listen to him but that was something I’d deal with in the morning. I had a girl who was ready to take me to bed and that’s all that mattered at the moment. When we got to her apartment, she kissed me once before showing me to her bedroom.

“Wait here, I’ll be back in a few minutes, birthday boy.” she told me before walking into her bathroom.

Everything seemed like a blur after that. I became really hot and dizzy and I started stripping out of my jeans as fast as I could. As I threw them onto the floor, my phone fell out of the pocket. I bent down to pick it up and held it in my hands as I sat back down on the bed. Thumbing through a few screens, I passed the angry texts from Andre and began typing a few things that I didn’t realize I was typing until the next morning.

 

**Taylor:**

When Courtney, Sheryl and I were walking to Sheryl’s aunt’s house on our way back from going bar hopping in San Diego, my phone buzzed in the clutch I was carrying under my arm but I ignored it, figuring it was just a Facebook notification or something pointless. Then I felt it go off again, then again, 7 times total. I hurriedly pulled my phone out thinking something was wrong and when I read the screen, I let out a small gasp as I was overcome with shock at the sender and the content of the messages.  
  



	20. You had to come walking in here and sit down

**Taylor:**

“What’s wrong?” Courtney was concerned as we continued to walk.

“It’s um….” I showed her the text messages and rubbed my tired eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Ugh! Just ignore him. He doesn’t know what he’s even doing right now. You’re done with him remember?” She proceeded to delete the messages from my phone.

“Yeah but…” I started, stealing my phone back from her and looked at the messages again.

“No! No buts Taylor! Enough with this guy! He fucked you over!” Sheryl added.

“Ok! Sorry. It’s the alcohol talking I guess.” I exited to my home screen and put the phone back in my bag.

That night, I tossed and turned thinking of what I should do. Just my luck that I leave town to forget about Josh and just like that he comes stomping back into my brain. Maybe he really wanted to talk to me but didn’t have the courage to do it until he got drunk enough. Maybe he realized he made a mistake. But then I thought about him with the other girls I had heard about since we broke up and became disgusted with him. I figured if he wanted me bad enough, he’d know now that he’d have to try really hard.

In the few weeks that passed after my trip to San Diego, I managed to forget about the text messages from Josh. If it wasn’t for Courtney and Sheryl, I probably would have called him the next day like a fool. But they stopped me before I could even think about it.

Courtney thought it would be a good idea if I started casually dating again so she introduced me to a nice guy in one of her classes, Rob. He and I went out with for drinks a few times and we had a little bit in common because he wanted to also get into the movie business but there wasn’t a spark between us. Sure he was gorgeous and any girl would be lucky to have him but he didn’t really light my fire and he reminded me too much of my ex Ryan, and I couldn’t keep seeing him.

Then I met Ian, a southern boy new to California who lived in my apartment building. He was funny, smart and charming; all the qualities I was looking for in a guy. He was a real gentleman with me, which is what I needed and things heated up between us pretty fast. Since I still didn’t think I was emotionally ready for another relationship, I didn’t consider Ian a boyfriend but we spent a lot of time together.

Things with Ian were easy for me, which is why I liked him a lot. He didn’t challenge me the way Josh did. Josh seemed to make me work for his affection and Ian showed it without any questions asked. But at the same time, I still had my guard up, not letting myself get too attached to him. He’d push me to let him in but I just couldn’t do it and I couldn’t explain to him why I didn’t want to get serious.

Since Thanksgiving was just around the corner and I didn’t have classes for a few days, I picked up a few extra shifts at the coffee shop. The ding of the buzzer at the front door went off when I was working one morning just after the 8am rush ended. I was busy wiping down some tables and restocking the front and didn’t think anything of it since there was someone behind the counter to help customers.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I heard the customer’s voice say to my co-worker. My body froze immediately. I knew that voice. I had avoided it for so long and had been doing so well not hearing it. I closed my eyes tight, hoping that would somehow make me invisible and barely made any movements, although my insides were running all over the place.

“Good morning, what can I get you?” She asked him.

“I’ll take a medium coffee, black please.”  The voice responded.

“Sure, anything else?”

“Nope, I’m all set thanks.”

I still didn’t move a muscle for fear of him seeing me. What the fuck was he doing here out of all the coffee shops in LA? What kind of bizarre twist of fate was this?

“Taylor, the delivery truck just came in the back could you come help me?” My boss called out from the employees only door. “Fuck,” I muttered under my breath, my shoulders slumping forward as my cover was blown. I spun around on my heel, and mistakenly glanced at Josh who was staring at me dumbfounded. His eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store and he smiled. I didn’t know how to react to him being there so I simply looked at the floor and walked towards where my boss was standing.

**Josh:**

Shit. Had I known Taylor worked here I would have worn something other than my old plaid shirt. She blew me away the second she spun around and looked at me. There was a bit of a glimmer in her eyes when she saw me, but she couldn’t face me. She hated me and I didn’t blame her. I hated myself for what I did to her. The second she looked away, anger swept over her face. I had to talk to her. She ignored my phone call after I drunk texted her when I was out for my birthday and I just figured she was true to her word when she said she was done with me.

But now I had another shot. I needed her back in my life, as much as I hated to admit it. Going from girl to girl every other night was exhausting. There was so much work that was involved with the one night stands. With Taylor, I wouldn’t have to try with her. Having something consistent again would give me a little break from all the partying and awkward moments the morning after sleeping with someone.

On top of that, knowing I’d soon be on the other side of the world promoting a movie with the she-devil, Vanessa, gushing about how much she loves her boyfriend was starting to eat at me. Being overseas and knowing I’d have someone to come home to was a nice thought. But how could I make that happen with Taylor after I fucked it up with her?

 _Just be a man and talk to her, what’s the worst she could do?_ I thought to myself and watched the employee door close behind her. I ordered a bagel and sat down next to a window, facing the employee door. She had to come out sooner or later. I had all day to wait for her.

When she finally came back out a half hour later, she slowly opened the door, peering around the dining room, then her eyes rolled  when she saw me and went back behind the door to keep hiding from me. I couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction to my still being there but I didn’t blame her. Only a psycho would wait around for someone who hated them. I stood up and handed my plate to the girl at the counter who gave me my coffee and bagel.

“Can you do me a favor and see if Taylor can come out here for a minute?” I smiled and slid my coffee cup to her. “And I’ll take another coffee.”

“Sure,” she smiled back and filled my coffee cup before disappearing into the back. I went back to my seat, my nerves starting to go a little crazy as I wondered what she was going to say to me, if she’d say anything at all.

**Taylor:**

“No, I can’t. I can’t go out there with him, please don’t make me,” I whined to my co-worker who came and got me after I saw that Josh was still there.

“Why not Taylor?  He’s hot and wants to talk to you, don’t you want to know why? Come on you’re a big girl,” she pushed me out the door like I was a bashful teenager at a middle school dance.

I hesitated at first but when he smiled up at me from his coffee cup, I felt myself weakening. Why did he have to wear that red plaid shirt that I loved so much? Why did he have to hang his sunglasses on the front of it like that?

“Taylor, hey!” He stood up from his chair and held his arms out for a hug but I didn’t dare go near him and to save him the embarrassment, I waved my hand for him to put them down.

"What do you want Josh?" I sighed, folding my arms over my chest and trying so hard not to stare at him too long or I’d fall. He had that way about him. He knew what made me weak and used that to his advantage.

"You really look incredible," he said, shaking his head in amazement. He hadn’t seen me since I cut my hair and he couldn’t stop looking me up and down.

"Uhh, thanks." I walked across the dining area and wiped off a table that I noticed I forgot to do before. "What are you still doing here?"

He followed me as I moved throughout the dining area. “I just. Wanted to talk to you. I’ve been thinking about you lately and it’s funny because I had no idea you worked here. I just had a meeting with a studio down the street so I thought I’d stop in. And I’m really sorry I drunk texted you on my birthday last month. I was really hammered that night.”

"Yeah, I figured."

He was quiet for a few minutes as he sipped on his coffee. “Hey, isn’t it your birthday this weekend?” he finally asked.

"Yeah. Saturday," I breathed.

"The big 22 right?"

I nodded, looking up from the table at him.

"See, I haven’t forgotten," he boasted, smiling wide and rocking on his heels.

"And I haven’t forgotten that you broke up with me because you wanted to be single, but then a week later I heard you were all over some random girl in a club," I snapped at him, my face turning red because I was finally able to call him out. It was also turning red because he made me nervous like no one else could.

He scratched his head as if he had no idea what I was talking about. Then thought about it for a moment. “Oh her? That was, no that was nothing. Nothing happened with her.”

"Yeah, ok," I said sarcastically, returning to the coffee counter to start a new pot of French roast.

"Taylor, I know you hate me but can you at least give me a chance here?"  He begged, leaning on the counter and looking at me like a lost puppy.

"I believe I gave you several chances Josh. I told you I want nothing to do with you any more." I turned around to face the coffee machine I was at and just stood there with my hands on the counter waiting for the pot to fill up so I wouldn’t have to look at him and his perfect jawline.

"Look I just want us to be friends again. That’s it. And the least I can do is take you out to dinner for your birthday." His voice softened, making it a lot harder for me to tell him no. I closed my eyes and sighed out a breath of frustration.

Josh continued his plea. “We can go to that restaurant we went to in Malibu that you love, the one on the beach. What was the name of it?”

"Gladstones," I answered, my hands starting to tremble. He was making me remember good things about our relationship and I hated him more than anything for doing it even if he didn’t realize what he was doing. "I don’t know Josh. I don’t think I should be alone with you."

"Look, I know you don’t think you can trust me but I promise I won’t try anything. It’s just dinner Taylor."

“It’s not that Josh. I can’t trust myself around you.” I spun back around to face him. God he was so perfect without even trying. I did miss him. As much as I hated him for breaking up with me the way he did, seeing him now killed me. How was I supposed to stay guarded around him if I couldn’t control what I was feeling whenever I looked at him?

“That’s….a bridge we’ll cross when we get to it, if we do. But right now I really want to take you out for your birthday. And catch up. Ok?”

The corners of my mouth curled upward into a smile no matter how hard I tried to hold it in. He totally put me on the spot. My cheeks flushed for about the 20th time that morning and I inhaled a deep breath. Josh just stood there, leaning over the counter and gnawing on his bottom lip as he waited for my answer.

“Call me tomorrow and I’ll let you know if I’m free or not. I might already have plans with this other guy,” I lied, leaning on the counter in front of him. Things between Ian and I started cooling off a couple weeks before and I actually didn’t have any special plans for my birthday. My eyes traced the pattern of the freckles on his nose then glanced down at his lips. He was inches from me and I could smell the familiar scent that was his own and my knees felt like they were going to give out at any minute.

Josh raised his eyebrows in amusement and licked his lips before leaning in even closer to whisper in my ear. “You’re full of shit. There’s no other guy. And if there is you can go ahead and kiss him goodbye.” He stood up from off the counter and dug his wallet out of his back pocket. “What do I owe you for the coffee and bagel?”

I shook my head and waved his hand away. “Don’t worry about it, it’s on the house.”

“Thanks,” he smiled, putting his wallet away and taking out his keys. “I’ll call you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah. I’ll…tell what’s his name to take a hike or something,” I joked. And with that, he turned around with a proud grin and walked out.


	21. Why are you the one I want

**Josh:**

My head was so messed up after seeing Taylor that Andre had to remind me to pack for my trip to Kentucky for Thanksgiving. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and how much I wanted her again. I missed a lot of little things about her that I wouldn’t usually remember about any other girl. And I loved that I still had some kind of an effect on her. I could feel her body heat rise the closer I got to her and it showed me that I still had a small chance.

Once I made it home to my parents’ house and had a minute to myself, I pulled out my phone and scrolled to Taylor’s number. My heart rate sped up after every ring as my nerves started going nuts. What if she changed her mind about letting me take her out and was just caught up in the moment when we saw each other the day before? No, I knew that look on her face too well. She was letting herself fall for me all over again.

On the fourth ring, she came on the line. “Hey, hang on a second,” she whispered like there were other people with her.

“Yeah sure,” I replied, relieved that she actually picked up.

“I have to run out to my car really quick, I’ll be right back,” I heard her tell someone followed by the squeak of rusty hinge on a door. “Sorry, my roommate would murder me if she knew I was talking to you,” she spoke quietly.

“I understand. I’m surprised you actually picked up.” I paced around the empty basement to alleviate some of the tension I was still feeling and spun a few players on the Foosball table.

“Yeah, well. You said you’d call so…”

“Yeah. I did. And you’re still free on Saturday?”

“My best friend mentioned doing something at night but I can tell her that my family is taking me out or something. I’ll think of a way around it.”

“Nice. Then how do we want to do this? Do I pick you up at your place or…?”

“No, I’d rather meet you there,” she interjected.

“So secretive, Taylor,” I chuckled a little, walking back into my bedroom.

“Well there’s a lot of people who have you on their shit list. If someone sees me clinging onto you on the back of your motorcycle, you know they’ll come with torches and pitchforks.”

“Aww, thanks for looking out for my well being. Alright fine, I’ll meet you at Gladstone’s at 7:30 and we can even get a table in the back so we won’t have a war on our hands,” I reassured her.

“Ok. I’ll see you then. Have a good Thanksgiving Josh.”

 

**Taylor:**

My eyes shot open the second Sheryl threw confetti on top of me. “Happy Birthday!” She hollered. “Wake up, it’s a big big day!”

“I’m up!” I groaned, rubbing my eyes to look at the clock. Sheryl wasn’t kidding, it was a big day. Screw the fact that it was my birthday, my plans with Josh later were making me feel like my stomach was doing backflips. I was so apprehensive about how the night would go and I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to resist him. Yes, he screwed me over a number of times but he was only 19 years old, I couldn’t blame him for not knowing what he wanted. The important thing was that he wanted me back in his life. I couldn’t say no to that.

“I decided to let you sleep in today, but you have to get up because I’m treating you to manis and pedis at the spa then Courtney is meeting us for lunch since you’re preoccupied tonight.” She raised her eyebrows as if she could see right through me.

“What? I’m going to my parents tonight, don’t look at me like that.” I threw a pillow at her as she exited the room. I felt terrible for lying to her but if she knew what I was really going to be doing, she’d never let me hear the end of it.

After lunch and shopping a little with the girls, I stood in front of my closet trying to pick out something to wear for dinner. It had to be subtle, like I wasn’t trying too hard but something that would make Josh sorry for what he did to me. Sheryl came in and sat down on my bed next to the few outfits I had laid out.

“So where are you  _really_  going tonight?”

“What? My parents are taking me out. I told you.” My cheeks flushed. I didn’t turn around to face her.

“Uh huh, you don’t spend all this time figuring out what to wear when you see your parents. Sure you don’t have a hot date with that cute southern boy a few floors below us?”

“No! I haven’t seen Ian in like a week. And you know how my mom is, always judging me. I figure I’d dress up so she wouldn’t have to comment on how I look for once.”

“True.” She stood up and joined me at my closet, scratching her chin then pulled out a sleeveless pink dress that I never wear. “Here, pink looks good on you. Wear this and some gold jewelry and you’re good to go.”

“Thanks. Just make sure you have alcohol ready for when I get home I’ll need it.”

Driving to Malibu, I was a nervous wreck and didn’t know what would come out of having dinner with Josh. I knew it was going to be the most awkward birthday dinner ever. I didn’t know if I was going to be looking for a way out of the whole thing or looking for a way to go home with Josh. Only time would tell.

I’m here. Give the hostess your name when you come. See you soon. My phone buzzed with a text from Josh while I was at a red light and I took in a deep breath as I put the phone back on the passenger seat. My heart was racing a mile a minute when I finally pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. I knew that as soon as I saw him, the nerves would go away but the anticipation was absolutely killing me.

I pulled up to the valet and collected my ticket from the attendant before stepping out of my car and smoothing out my dress, hoping I looked okay. I stopped to observe the setting sun over the water, something I could never get tired of and remembered when Josh took me here the last time how romantic it was. This place could make even the coldest hearted person fall in love.

“Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m meeting someone,” I told the smiley hostess when I stepped onto the deck of the restaurant.

“Yes, Taylor, of course. Right this way,” she greeted and led me through the crowded restaurant towards the back area. The roar of the diners dulled when we stepped through a glass door. “I understand you’re celebrating your birthday tonight?”

“Uh, yeah,” I answered, looking around the quiet dining room.

“Well, happy birthday!” She cheerily responded as she led me through another set of doors. I followed her to a white curtain that was drawn for privacy. Josh certainly wasn’t kidding when he said he’d request a table in the back.

She pulled the curtain back and ushered me into what was usually used as the banquet area but in this case, there was a single table next to the windows. Josh stood up when I walked in and smiled at the hostess. I tried not to make it obvious when I checked him out but I couldn’t help it.

He was gorgeous, I was definitely the luckiest girl in the whole place. His hair was pushed out of his face and the sleeves on his blue button down shirt were rolled up to his elbows. Not to mention that his jeans hugged his thighs and crotch perfectly. I hated him for knowing exactly what I liked.

“Enjoy your meal,” the hostess said before leaving us alone. Alone with Josh. That was never a good thing. Thankfully our server would be coming in and out throughout the night.

“You look gorgeous Taylor, wow,” he exclaimed, holding his arms out. Instead of waving him off, this time I walked to him and let his arms envelop me. “Happy birthday sweetie,” he whispered with his head on my shoulder, making my spine tingle.

“Thanks,” I politely smiled as I pulled away and rubbed the goosebumps on my arms. If I had stayed like that any longer, our waiter would have gotten a show. Why was I thinking these things when I was supposed to hate him?

Dinner felt more like a blind date than a meal between two exes, filled with small talk and a lot of awkward silence. It felt like I never even met Josh before. There was so much tension in the air, you could cut it with a knife. He and I were both holding back from saying what we really wanted. Josh was being safe and I was holding my guard up as long as I could.

“So what are you doing for New Years?” He asked, trying to fill the silence.

“Not sure yet. Probably hanging out with the girls,” I shrugged.

“Well, I’m planning on having people over my house for a New Years party if you want to drop by you can. I don’t really want to kiss Andre at midnight.”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it. It’s still like a month away.” I could feel my face flush and I had to look out the window so it wouldn’t be so obvious but I could feel his eyes on me, burning through me like a laser beam.

When I looked back at him, he casually licked his lips and put his napkin on the table. “Did you get enough to eat?”

I looked down at my almost empty plate and nodded, wondering what else he had up his sleeve. “Yeah, I did. It was really good.”

“Do you want dessert or anything? Birthday cake?” he offered.

“No, I should probably get home. My roommate is waiting for me.” I felt a little unsteady as I stood up and held my head in my hands. The wine I had been drinking at dinner and the emotions I was feeling all day hit me all at once.

“You okay?” He put his hand on my back and started rubbing in circles.

“Yeah I think so, I don’t think I should have had that 4th drink.” I sat back down in my chair and took a sip of water, hoping that would help some but it didn’t.

“Lightweight,” he chuckled and grabbed my purse from the back of my chair before helping me stand. “Let me give you a ride home. I don’t want you running off the freeway.” I felt his fingers brush my lower back so delicately that I felt like my dress was going to melt off my body.

“No it’s ok, I’ll be fine, really,” I said reaching for my purse in his hands.

“Seriously Taylor, I’d feel responsible if something happened to you. Please let me drive you home. It’s the least I can do.”

“Ok, fine. But you have to drop me off like a block from my building. I can’t have anyone seeing me with you. That would be a nightmare and a half.”

“Deal.” He led me out of the restaurant and gave the valet attendant his ticket and told him that I’d come back for my car in the morning. “Thank you for letting me take you out tonight. I know your birthday is special so it means a lot that you wanted to spend some of it with me. Even after I fucked you over.” He opened the door to his Audi for me and handed me my purse.

“Well, I like this place so I of course I said yes,” I said to him when he slid into the driver’s seat.

He stifled a laugh through his nose and started the car. “Oh ok it’s not because you wanted to see me, I see how it is.”

I closed my eyes, resting my head on the back of the seat as we started moving. “Josh, can we stop pretending like everything is ok between us? Because you know it’s not. There’s a lot of things that have been left unsaid and it feels weird,” I blurted out as he turned onto the highway.

He let out a deep sigh. “I knew this was coming. Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to say the wrong thing and make you hate me,” he responded.

“Too late for that,” I muttered under my breath, looking out the window.

“You have every right to hate me. I know what I did was wrong and I can’t take it back. And I know I can’t just apologize for breaking up with you then everything will be rainbows and unicorns. That’s why I’m walking on eggshells here.”

“Well, what you did was really shitty.” I crossed my arms and glared at him. He shook his head and pulled the car over onto the shoulder and put it in park. I pressed the button to open the window and let the cool ocean air come in.

“I know Taylor. I hate myself every day for hurting you. But I’m trying, I really am trying to change. The last thing I would want to do is hurt you.” He grabbed my chin and made me look at his desperate, wanting face. “I mean it, never again.”

“Don’t look at me like that Josh,” I warned and shook my head, looking down at his lips. My palms started sweating and the world around me began to spin like I was on a merry-go-round going way too fast.

“Why not?” He swallowed hard, searching my eyes for something.

“You know exactly why not.”

And then I did it. The thing I didn’t want to do. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him to me, and I kissed him hard, holding nothing back.


	22. I'm all wrapped up with you

“Tell me what you want Taylor,” Josh grunted against my neck. His tongue swept over every crevice there while his hands got re-acquainted with his favorite parts of my body. And within a matter of minutes, I was ready to take him into the back seat.

“You. I want you Josh. Don’t take me home yet,” I begged, releasing the grip I had on his shirt and looked him deep in the eyes.

“Really?” His lips curved into a smile and he brushed the side of my face with his fingertips.

“Yeah.” I nodded and placed my hands behind his neck, pulling him back to me and kissed him again. Josh’s response was only a groan as I swept my tongue along his bottom lip before gently sucking on it.

“No one else will ever make me feel the way you do. And I want you to make me feel good Josh,” I whispered, my fingers dancing over the buttons on the front his shirt. His body shuddered when my hand landed on the crotch of his jeans and began rubbing his already hardened length. “Take me out of here,” I demanded, removing my hand.

He took in a deep breath to regain his composure and adjusted himself before putting his hands on the steering wheel. “My pleasure.” 

He pulled off the highway as soon as he saw the first sign for a hotel. He told me that we couldn’t go back to his house because Andre was home, so the Oceana Hotel in Santa Monica would have to do.

Josh couldn’t even wait until I got our room unlocked before going after me. He pinned me up against the door just as I started sliding the key card into its slot and I gasped when he dipped a finger under my dress and over my slit. “Mmm, ready for me already,” he commented with a sly smile across his face.

The second we got into the room and the door was closed behind us, it was like a war. We lunged at each other, seeing who could get the other undressed faster. Once my dress was on the floor, I somehow ended up with my back against the dresser in the room, the drawers behind me rattling with every movement I made.

Josh’s presence had softened now and he was taking his sweet time to make sure he gave me pleasure on every inch of my body. I never wanted him to stop either. He was the only one who knew where to touch me in all the right places. 

My breathing had become ragged, my cheeks were flushed and I didn’t know if I was still feeling the effects from the alcohol or from Josh, but I was liking the warmth that rushed through me. His fingers danced along the straps of my bra before he lowered them from my shoulders one at a time and before I knew it, I was out of my underwear and Josh was carrying me to the bed. He didn’t even bother pushing the room service menu or stack of brochures out of the way before my back came in contact with the comforter.

When he finally slid into me, it felt like all the stars in the sky were aligning at once. I grasped his forearms and closed my eyes tight as he continued to plunge in and out of me in a steady rhythm, one that I was used to. I loved everything about being intimate with him. All his little moans, whimpers and grunts. The way he bit his lower lip when he really drove into me like he was full of determination. How he asked me to tell him how everything felt, I think he needed to know for sure that he was making me feel good. He would even watch me so intently whenever I’d come just for the extra satisfaction.

Then when his big moment would come, he’d let out a string of mumbled expletives just before his orgasm would hit him. And when it did, his mouth would gape open, eyes would shut tight and his body would shake until he had nothing left in him. And that was my favorite part, seeing him at his weakest state, when he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Oh god Taylor, I love you,” he breathed after he pulled out and collapsed next to me. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Had he really meant to say that or was his head still in the clouds from sleeping with me?

“What?” I asked as I turned to face him, exhausted and breathless.

“I love you ok? I love you. I…love…….” He was interrupted by an awful beeping sound in the room that came out of nowhere.

"What?" I asked again.

He opened his mouth to go on but the beeping was so overpowering that I couldn’t hear him over it. I let out a frustrated groan and rolled to my other side to see if I could find it and that’s when I hit the floor in my own bedroom. I was gasping for air and had broken out into a cold sweat from my erotic dream.

“Fuck!” I silently screamed at myself. ”Fuck, fuck fuck!” I sat cross legged on the floor of my bedroom and rested my head on my mattress and shook my head in disappointment. My subconscious was kicking my ass for the other night with Josh. My dream was nothing like what happened in reality.

 

> _Josh leaned in even closer as soon as I kissed him and put his hands on either side of my face to gain control. His kisses were rough and passionate and if I didn’t know any better, I probably would have fucked him right there in his car. But I didn’t have enough to drink for that to happen and as we were kissing, I wondered how many other girls he did this with while we were apart._
> 
> _How many fell for his mind games? How many girls were still scratching their heads and wondering why he all of a sudden turned into a  jerk after he was done with them? Was I the only one he did this to multiple times? If so, why was I the only one he kept stringing along? Was I that naive? My mind took control instead of my loins and I stopped the kiss as quickly as I started it._
> 
> _“Wait,” I said as I pulled away and wiped my lips. “We shouldn’t do this. It’s a really bad idea. I’m sorry.”_
> 
> _“It’s ok, don’t apologize. Is everything alright?” He asked, concerned as to why I changed my mind so fast._
> 
> _“Yeah, just…take me home.”_
> 
> _My mind was running in almost every different direction. I was humiliated that I let myself become so weak for him and still really angry about what he did to me. I didn’t even want to look at him so I stared out the window the whole way back to my apartment complex and didn’t say a word._
> 
> _He did as I asked him to and dropped me off down the road from my building so no one would see me leaving his car. I didn’t know what excuse I was going to make up to Sheryl about not having my car with me but I’d deal with that if she even asked about it._
> 
> _When Josh put the car in park, he put his hand on my arm. “Hey, don’t worry about what happened back there, ok? It’s no big deal.” I turned my head and met his eyes and he gave me a reassuring smile._
> 
> _“Yeah, ok,” I breathed. “Thanks for dinner Josh.” I grabbed my purse and unbuckled my seatbelt._
> 
> _“You’re welcome. I hope you had a good birthday. And I hope we can hang out again soon.” He opened up his arms and I politely patted him on the back before exiting the car._
> 
> _“We’ll see. Goodnight Josh.”_

**Josh:**

Pursuing Taylor was going to be a lot harder this time than it was when I first met her. She wasn’t as naive as she was before. I wondered if it was even worth it to try to wrap her back around my finger again or if I should just keep hooking up with random girls one after the other. She was definitely a challenge this time around, but I liked challenges.

I wondered when would be the best time to call her again after seeing her. She was pretty standoffish after she kissed me and I knew I should give her some space, but time was a huge factor since in about a month, I’d be on the other side of the world with the wicked witch of the west promoting our new movie. 

While I was on my way home from hitting a few buckets of balls with a couple friends at the driving range, I stopped at Ralph’s near the golf course to pick up a few things I needed. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a white Nissan Versa at the end of the lot with the hood popped up and smoke coming from the engine. The front hubcap on the driver’s side was missing and I knew right away it was Taylor’s car. I smiled to myself as I pulled up next to it and saw her sitting inside on the phone. She was frantic, yelling at whoever she was talking to and didn’t realize that anyone even parked next to her.

I took this as a perfect opportunity to get on her good side so that she’d start trusting me again. I stepped out of my car and tapped on her window and she jumped at first but let out a sigh of relief when she saw that it was just me and not a serial killer.

“Let me call you back, I’m gonna try another tow truck company,” she said to the person on the phone as she climbed out of the car.

“Your car is smoking,” I commented, closing her door after she got out.

“Thanks Sherlock, I know. I don’t know what happened, I started it and it made this weird noise then it died all of a sudden. I thought it was my battery and I was going to have someone jump me and when I popped the hood there was all this smoke and this liquid came out of the bottom. I called my dad who’s out of town and he said his mechanic isn’t available and like every tow truck company is telling me it’s going to be at least an hour until they can get it. I’m fucked. I just want to go home!”

Seeing her like this made me chuckle a little, I couldn’t help it. Something about when a girl is distressed is so adorable.

“Calm down, let me take a look and see what’s going on here.”

I knew a little about cars and maybe helping her out out would help her warm up to me faster. I rolled up my sleeves and walked over to the front of the car and peered inside under the hood before looking at the ground below and noticed green fluid dripping out onto the ground.

“Is it bad?” she asked, looking around at her engine.

“I think you might need a new radiator,” I told her as I stood up. She groaned and strung her fingers through her hair.

“That’s not an easy fix is it?” she asked, biting her nails.

I shook my head and pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled to my mechanic’s number. “I don’t think so. Let me call my car guy and see if he can do something.”

“Thank you Josh. I’m so glad you’re here.” Hearing a girl say something like that made it feel like I had the world in the palm of my hand. Maybe it was just a guy thing but it was nice to feel needed like that.

Just as I suspected, my mechanic was happy to take a look at Taylor’s car and said he could tow it to his garage which wasn’t far from where we were. It started to rain as we waited for him to show up so we sat in my car and listened to the radio. She was quiet and I wondered if she was thinking of the last time we were in my car. I know I was. That kiss knocked my socks off, I was really looking forward to taking it further, but she clearly didn’t want that.

“Alright missy, I’ll give you a call in a few hours when I can get it up on the lift and take a look inside,” my mechanic told Taylor after he got it onto his truck.

“A few hours?” She rolled her eyes as her shoulders slumped over in disappointment.

“I can’t get to it right away, there are a few cars ahead of yours,” he said as he handed her the paperwork she needed to pick up the car later.

“Where do you have to go? I’ll take you there,” I jumped in, trying to be her knight in shining armor for the day.

“Nowhere, I just want to get out of this parking lot. I’ve been here all day. I don’t want to wait,” she answered.

“Well, let’s hang out! We can go to my house, Andre is visiting his parents.” Perfect opportunity to see if there was anything left of that kiss from the other night. “Come on, you know you want to. We can make a pizza, watch some movies or something. It will be fun. What else are you going to do on a rainy afternoon?”

“I don’t know Josh, it’s probably not such a good idea.” She shrugged and shook her head.

“Taylor, come on. We’re friends right?” I asked, nudging her arm. “Friends can hang out, no big deal.”

A small smile crept onto her face and while she still seemed a little apprehensive, she changed her mind. Sure, friends could hang out no big deal, but what about two people who once had a short but heated past?


	23. I won't let you in again

Streets turned into rivers as the rain angrily beat down onto the earth and Josh’s windshield wipers were on so high that I thought they’d fall off. I had never seen it rain so hard in LA before. It was like the apocalypse or something.

Despite the horrible weather, the unsteady feeling of being with Josh again after that intense kiss we had on my birthday was the only thing on my mind. And then there was the dream I had about him a couple nights after that. I didn’t know if I should even mention the dream to him. I knew how he’d react if I told him about it. He’d get that cocky smile on his face and would try to make the dream a reality, so I decided to keep it all to myself and just be appreciative that someone was nice enough to get me out of that parking lot.

 

His intentions were pretty clear to me. Pizza and movies on a rainy day. That was a standard recipe for ending up in bed with someone. He probably thought he was inviting me over out of the goodness of his heart. Please, Josh Hutcherson never did anything that didn’t benefit himself in one way or another.

Given the fact that I knew what he was doing, could I trust myself being alone with him? He always had some sneaky way of getting to me and making me want to crumble to the ground. And he looked exceptionally good today, especially with his hair a little wet and dirt from my engine still on his fingers. He was like sex on a stick, wrapped up and delivered to my doorstep.

The rain was no help either. Something about the water beating down against the pavement, the roar of the thunder overhead, the slight chill in the air all made me want to cozy up next to someone and get warm. Then I remembered how Josh happened to be the perfect body pillow and knew this day with him would put my ability to control myself around him to the test.

No matter how fast we ran once he parked the car in his driveway, we couldn’t escape the massive drops of water falling from the sky. It was as if we had gone under a waterfall and by the time we reached his front door, we were both drenched.

“Oh god, look at you! You must be freezing!” He commented once we got inside, rubbing my bare arms to make me warm. “I would have parked in the garage but the Jeep and bikes are in there.”

He had already started lifting his henley off his chest and rolled it into a ball before kicking off his shoes to the side. His grey t-shirt underneath was clinging to his chest and I had to look down at my feet to keep from gawking at him. “Let me grab you some clothes to wear,” he offered, turning on his heel to run up the stairs to his bedroom.

I laughed through my nose, remembering what happened the last time my clothes got ruined and Josh had to give me something to wear. We ended up fucking for the first time, it was hard to forget.

> _“You want to know a secret Taylor?”Josh whispered as his index finger drew lines up and down my leg, making me shiver. This was actually happening. I didn’t know what to think or even say at that moment. All I could do was take in the feeling of the heat searing between us._
> 
> _“Oooh, a secret. Tell me what it is Josh,” I smiled and stopped his hand from tickling me. I wondered where this was going to lead after sleeping together. I wouldn’t mind experiencing this feeling every single day for the rest of my life. Josh was so smooth with his words and knew exactly how to handle me and I liked that about him._
> 
> _“I want to touch you,” he leaned in close to my ear and his raspy voice rattled every one of my senses. “And I want to make you come.” His words hit me dead on like a bullet and I could actually feel myself weakening before his eyes._

And I let him touch me. I remember exactly what I told him while his fingers pumped in and out of me, bringing me closer to my orgasm.

> _“Do whatever you want to me.”_

Thinking about it now, I should have thought twice before I said those words. Because according to Josh, doing whatever he wanted to me included playing mind games and making me believe he actually cared when I was just another piece of ass to him. No matter what I did though, he always kept trying to get me back. As if he needed me somehow. And he always knew how to reel me back in.

After squeezing my wet hair into a towel, I tossed it into a hamper in Josh’s bathroom before slipping on the hoodie he gave me to wear. It was warm and smelled like clean linen and spring with a hint of Old Spice - the way Josh always smelled. It gave me a familiar tingling sensation and flashbacks from my dream soon made their way into the forefront of my mind. The heavy breathing, the feeling of my legs wrapped around Josh’s waist, the look in his eyes when he said he loved me.

Then I realized that the dream I had was only that. A dream. I had to release myself from this hold that Josh kept on me or else the dreams would happen over and over again. I didn’t want to cut him out of my life completely because he was a blast to be around, but trying to make things work between us right now was out of the question. The emotional and physical aspects were going to have to be put on the back burner until he earned my trust back.

“Tay? Do you like mushrooms on your pizza?” Josh knocked on the door, startling me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah. Thanks,” I called back, pulling up the pair of sweatpants Josh also gave me.

“Ok. You alright in there? You didn’t fall in did you?” He asked through the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a sec,” I answered and threw my hair up into a bun and tied the drawstring on the sweatpants.

Josh was singing to himself when I walked out of the bathroom. Following the sound of his voice, I walked through the house and found him bending over his dryer throwing clothes into it. The motherfucker had his shirt off. His sweats hung low on his hips and when he smirked at me and brushed his fingers against mine when I handed him my wet clothes, I knew exactly what he was doing.

“Hey, you look pretty cute in my clothes,” he remarked.

“Hmmph, thanks. It smells like something’s burning. Is the oven on?” I asked, deflecting his searing stare.

“Yeah, it does that sometimes.” He closed the door of the dryer. “Don’t worry, if there was a fire, I have a big hose that would take care of it.” He winked at me and I automatically rolled my eyes. He pressed the button to start the dryer and chuckled to himself. “I’m teasing! Come on, I already started rolling the pizza dough.”

He tugged at my hand and pulled me into the kitchen where he was playing something soft and slow by Maroon 5. Adam Levine’s soothing voice carried on throughout the room and was a nice buffer from the awkward silence that I could feel was on its way.

“Can you spread the dough on the pan?” He pointed to where he had been working before and crouched in front of the refrigerator to take out the cheese and pepperoni for the toppings. I rolled up the sleeves of the hoodie and started patting the pizza dough onto the pan but it still wasn’t thaw enough so it kept retreating back into its original shape.

“What were you doing all the way in the Hills today? Isn’t it a little far for you?” Josh asked with his back turned toward me.

“Yeah, I had a group project. One of my partners lives out this way.” I was short with him, unsure of what to say to him exactly. I was going to make small talk and just as I was about to say something, Josh’s phone rang.

“Shit. I gotta take this. I’ll be right back,” he said, swiping his finger over the screen on his phone and stepping out of the kitchen. While he took the call, I kept trying to stretch the pizza dough over the pan but it still wasn’t doing what it was supposed to and I started getting frustrated by it.

When Josh came back into the kitchen a few minutes later, his cheeks were flushed and he seemed angry about something.

“Is everything ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I just have to go meet with my publicist in a few days and Vanessa will be there so we can go over the details of our trip to promote that Journey 2 movie we did together.” He rubbed small circles in the corners of his eyes in frustration as he leaned up against the counter.

“Oh. When are you leaving for your trip?” I was surprised at the look on his face when he talked about Vanessa. It had been a pretty long time since they broke up and he still seemed hurt when he spoke of her.

“Soon. In about a month. It’s going to suck, pretending I actually get along with my ex. Not my idea of fun, but a job is a job I guess.”

“Oh. Yeah.” I uncomfortably cleared my throat. “Well, hopefully it goes by fast for you.”

“Yeah I don’t really want to think about it right now.” He didn’t say anything as I continued with the dough. He went into the refrigerator for something and then I felt his presence behind me. When he looked over my shoulder to see how I was doing, I didn’t even flinch.

“Having trouble with that?” He chuckled when he saw that I was struggling and wrapped his arms around me and started pressing the dough into the pan until it started sticking the way it was supposed to.

“See? Just need to give it a little pressure,” he muttered against my ear. I could feel his hot breath hitting the base of my neck where the hoodie showed some skin. Taking in a deep breath, I continued to work and tried to ignore the fact that he was trying to fuck me right there in his kitchen.

“Taylor?” he whispered before turning my body around to face him.

“Yeah?” I glanced up at him and caught him gnawing on his bottom lip as he stared at me.

“There’s something that’s been on my mind since the other night,” he confessed. He started to rub his thumbs over my knuckles but I quickly pulled them away.

“What?”

“That kiss.” I groaned and rolled my eyes but he continued. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I forgot how much I missed kissing you.” He brushed the side of my face and tried to lean in to kiss me but I turned my head away and he got my cheek instead of my lips.

“Josh, stop.” I held my hand out to stop him. “You said we’re  _just_  friends. That kiss from the other night can’t happen again. I know what you’re trying to do. I’m not stupid.” I rolled my eyes and went back to the pizza pan.

“Woah,” he held up his hands and took a step back. “I’m sorry. I thought you were into this.”

“Well, I’m not,” I spat. “I like hanging out with you but we’re not sleeping together again. Bad things happen when we do that.”

“Bad things? Like what?” he asked like he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Like, I get attached to you and then you end up pushing me away and making me feel like absolute shit. So if we’re going to be friends like you said, we can’t be physical. I’m not going to let you fuck me then chuck me like you do with other girls. And that’s the end of it.”

Josh was disappointed at first but stopping him was my only option. I was proud of myself for saying no to him. He eventually understood my reasoning and backed off for the rest of the day. He was even a little stand-offish when he brought me to pick up my car and I had to reassure him that I didn’t hate him and that we could hang out again before he had to leave, but I stressed the just friends thing again just so he knew that I was serious.


	24. I've fallen to the darkness

**Josh:**

“Are you ok Josh? You didn’t even eat breakfast this morning.” My mom had a tendency of making sure I had enough to eat before I had something important to do. I honestly was too nervous to eat before meeting with my publicist and the studio about my upcoming trip. I knew I’d have to come face to face with Vanessa again after so many months and the thought of it terrified me.

“I’m fine, Mom. We’ll go to lunch or something afterwards. I just want to get this over with,” I breathed.

I couldn’t stop fidgeting the whole ride to the studio. My mom took note of it but she didn’t say anything to me. She knew how much I was dreading this whole thing. I glanced around the parking lot when we got there and looked for any signs that Vanessa was already there, but when I didn’t see her BMW anywhere, I knew I’d at least have a few minutes to calm myself down.

“Hey Josh, follow me to the back,” the receptionist said as we walked inside. She led us down a long hallway and into a conference room with frosted glass windows surrounding it on all sides. I recognized Vanessa’s publicist and manager as soon as I saw them and shook each of their hands. Under the table, I started to twist the bracelets on my wrists to distract me from the nerves that were starting to take over my body.

She’d be coming any second. She was the only one missing. Leave it to her to show up to something fashionably late and make a grand entrance.

“I think we’re ready to get started. Vanessa won’t be able to make it today,” said her manager to the studio execs. “She has other obligations this afternoon but I’ll make sure she gets everything as soon as possible.”

Why couldn’t she be here? What made her so special that she got to sit out of this meeting? Was she preoccupied with her boyfriend? Were they frolicing on the beach in Hawaii or something? I rolled my eyes and tried to focus my attention on the schedule in front of me.

Mexico, Paris, Australia. All places I’ve been dying to visit, but the fact that I’d have to be with Vanessa the entire time made it seem a lot less thrilling. Thankfully my mom would also be coming with me for support but at the same time, I knew it was going to be a rough trip.

My mom and I met my dad, Connor and aunt Amanda for lunch after the meeting ended and despite dreading the upcoming trip with Vanessa, I couldn’t wait to hang out with Taylor that night. I was really relieved that she decided to stay friends with me after that stunt I tried to pull with her at my house. She definitely had developed a 6th sense and could tell when I was becoming a dick and she’d call me out on it. It made me realize I had some growing up to do and I was happy she stuck around to make me see that.

“So where are you and Taylor going tonight?” My dad asked after we placed our orders with the waiter.

“We were thinking of checking out this concert in West Hollywood. It will be fun I think. Amanda, you can still come if you want to,” I offered.

“No, I made plans with Andre. You two go and have a good time.”

“You haven’t talked about getting back together at all have you?” my mom chimed in, hopeful that I’d say yes. My phone began vibrating on the table next to me but I didn’t recognize the number so I ignored it.

“No, Mom, I told you we are just friends right now. She knows how busy I’m going to be the next few months. It’s just not a good time,” I told her.

“Well, I think you two will find your way back to each other again.” My mom continued to go on and on about Taylor to Amanda but I stopped listening when my phone vibrated on the table next to me for a voicemail.

I slid my finger over the screen and lifted the phone to my ear discreetly so my mom wouldn’t see and get mad that I was ignoring her. As soon as the message started, I knew the voice on the other end right away and I literally felt my heart drop into my stomach.

“Hey Josh, it’s Vanessa. I don’t think you have my new number but I wanted to give it to you just in case. I just looked at the schedule my publicist sent me and I’m really excited for everything. Anyways, I hope you’re doing well and I really can’t wait to see you, it’s been way too long. Give me a call if there’s anything you want to go over before we leave. I’ll see you soon.”

I was motionless for a moment after the message ended and I soon realized my family was looking at me like I was nuts. Putting the phone back on the table, I let out a nervous laugh and felt the fire burning through my cheeks.

“Who was that? Taylor?” my brother teased, noticing that my cheeks were a little flushed.

“No.” I took a sip of my drink and shook my head. “It’s none of your business.”

“Oh. Booty call? Nice.”

“Shut up,” I spat as I threw my straw wrapper at him.

Throughout lunch, I started wondering if there was a deeper reason for her calling me. Sure it could have been just a friendly message to make sure we were okay before we’d have to work together again but part of me wondered if she missed me at all.

Hearing her voice again really made me think about the good times we had together. Was she really happy with the other guy? What I had heard about him didn’t make him sound like he was perfect for her. Maybe when I saw her again, I could show her and remind her of how good we were together. I could make her realize the mistake she made when she broke up with me.

My alarm went off at 6am the next morning so I could get to the gym before anyone in the house woke up. Despite the fact that I was exhausted after the concert and going to In and Out with Taylor afterwards, I still managed to roll out of bed without any hesitation. I had only a few weeks to get back in shape to show Vanessa what she was missing.

**Taylor:**

“So Taylor, what have you been doing since the semester ended? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” Melissa, my brother’s fiance asked, trying to make small talk at the dinner table at Christmas. She had been making an effort to work on our relationship since she and I were going to be sisters in less than a year.

“Working at the coffee shop a lot, I practically live there, but the extra money is nice. And I actually learned how to snowboard earlier this month.”

“You did?” My mother surprisingly looked up from her plate. “But you hate the snow.”

“No, I don’t hate it, I just never get to go anywhere that has it. I went to Bear Mountain with my friend Josh and a few of his friends. It was actually a lot of fun once he showed me how to stay up on my board.”

“Josh?” Dave started, giving me the typical concerned older brother look.

“Yes, Josh. We’re just friends. You don’t have to worry about him. He’s actually a good guy.”

Josh had really surprised me since I made it clear to him that I wasn’t going to put up with his games. The few times we hung out afterward, he had shown me that behind the bad guy he seemed to be every now and then, there was a really decent person underneath. Someone who was honest and genuine and had a positive outlook on everything he did. It was like he was a completely different person. He didn’t try too hard and sometimes made me feel like one of the guys instead of someone he was trying to sleep with. I was finally comfortable enough to tell people we were friends.

“Is that the actor you were seeing before, Taylor?” my mom questioned, her smile widening with each passing second. I could see the wheels spinning in her head. How at her next social gathering she’d be able to brag to her friends about how her daughter is spending time with an actor whose name would soon be everywhere.

I just shrugged it off and let her have her moment.“Yeah, mom. Him.”

As New Years Eve got closer, I started thinking about the party Josh told me about when he took me out for my birthday. No one else I knew was planning on doing anything and I really didn’t feel like sitting home watching all the countdown specials. Plus, this would be a good time to see Josh again before he had to leave to promote his new movie.

The day before the 31st, Sheryl asked what I had planned for the next night while I was looking for something to wear. She mentioned something about a junk food fest and a horrible Lifetime movie marathon, but I shook my head at her suggestion.

“I was actually thinking about going to Josh’s party instead.”

Sheryl snarled as soon as his name came out of my mouth. I told her and Courtney that we had been hanging out and they were both still very weary of him, no matter how many times I told them that he had changed a lot.

“Are you sure? Josh seems to have his ways. He’ll get you drunk and take advantage of you. I can just feel it.”

I laughed at her and continued looking through my closet. “He won’t do that. Why don’t you come with me. You can see for yourself that he’s not a bad guy. It will be fun. And if it’s not then we can leave and count to midnight with Ryan Seacrest in the living room.”

Sheryl thought about it for a minute before letting out a sigh. “Fine, I’ll go just to see what this guy is really like but I’m not letting him out of my sight. I don’t trust him.”

There were a lot of cars at Josh’s house when we pulled onto his street. It was weird to see so many people because any time I had ever been to Josh’s we were always alone. The bass from the music blaring inside could be heard as soon as we got out of the cab and I suddenly became nervous. I hadn’t met a ton of people in Josh’s world before, other than Andre, Heather and his parents. What would they think when I walked in the door? Would they even know who I was if I was introduced to any of them?

I took a deep breath and smoothed out my black and white dress before ringing the doorbell. Andre answered the door and smiled wide before almost tackling me to the ground with a hug.

“Hey! You look gorgeous! Come in, Josh is around here somewhere.” He held his hand out for Sheryl, who introduced herself. “Nice to meet you. I’m Andre, Josh’s roommate. Drinks are in the kitchen and there’s some food too that we ordered because people were getting hungry. Just make yourselves comfortable, Taylor, I’m sure you know where everything is,” he told me before making his way to a couple people he must have been talking to before we got there.

I recognized a few people who were sitting on one of Josh’s couches in his living room from the Hunger Games shoot and waved to them before leading the way to the kitchen. When I made my way to the bar that was set up, I saw Josh standing at the sink talking to someone and pouring himself a drink.

“There he is,” I mentioned to Sheryl, trying not to point at him.

“Ok yeah, he’s kinda cute, I guess,” she commented, eyeing him up and down. He did look pretty hot, I wasn’t going to deny it. I hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks and I couldn’t help but notice that his build was a little more defined than the last time I saw him.

“Come on, let’s go say hi,” I said, pulling her by the hand over to where he was standing. He turned his head when he saw me out of the corner of his eye and did a double take. It looked as if he had seen a ghost.

“Oh my God! Taylor, what are you doing here?” he asked as he gave me a quick hug.

“You said if I wasn’t doing anything I should stop by, remember?” I stepped back and watched as he became flustered.

“Oh. I did, didn’t I? God I’m a moron. I’ve been so busy lately with this trip coming up. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s ok. This is my roommate, Sheryl.” I put my hand on her shoulder and pushed her toward Josh. “Sheryl, this is Josh.”

“Hey, nice to meet you. If you want anything to drink or eat, don’t be shy.” Josh’s attention had drifted to someone who was holding his phone up in the air above the crowd of people in the kitchen. “Oh, I’m sorry, I have to grab my phone. I’ll catch up with you guys in a little bit, ok?” He winked at me before pushing his way to the other side of the room.

“Well, he’s definitely not trying to sleep with you,” Sheryl remarked once he was out of ear range.

“See, I told you.” Sure he wasn’t trying to get in my pants and I’m glad he wasn’t, but something about him seemed a little off. Maybe he was just under a lot of stress about his trip and all the people at his house were adding to it. I still intended on enjoying myself for the night, despite the fact that Josh was a little distant.

Once we had our drinks, Sheryl and I were going to find the people that I had recognized when we got there, but we learned that they all went into the basement where a game of pool was going on. As I descended down the stairs, I glanced around the room, and sure enough, there were the few production people I had gotten to know when I was in North Carolina. 

“Taylor?” An English voice spoke, catching my attention right away. A face I was sure I had seen before looked up at me from across the pool table and smiled when he saw that it was me.

“Yeah?”

He was in the middle of taking a shot but handed his pool cue to his partner before making his way over to me. “Do you remember me? I think we only met a couple times, I work with Suzanne.”

How could I forget that face? And that dreamy accent? I racked my brain trying to go back to the people I met while on the Hunger Games set but I was so preoccupied with Josh at that time, no one else seemed to stand out to me. “I’m sorry, what’s your name?”

“Nick.”

“Right, I knew that,” I smiled politely and took a sip of my drink.

Nick and I talked for quite a bit while Sheryl took his spot on the pool table. I told him about school and a little about my family and he mentioned something about being able to get me a job on the set of Catching Fire if the film went to production. Before I knew it, the night had flown before my eyes and it was almost midnight.

We all ended up back in Josh’s living room for the countdown to midnight but I still didn’t see Josh anywhere. I felt weird for even being there to hang out with him and I didn’t even get to see him. The crowd began the countdown, 20 seconds, then to 10, 9, 8…I joined in, putting my arm around Sheryl, ready to take a sip of champagne. 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The room was filled with cheers, the sound of glasses clanging together and noise makers. Nick found me as the commotion was going on and hollered in my ear, “Care to be my first kiss of 2012?”

I glanced around the room, still looking for any sight of Josh. Would he mind if he saw me kissing someone else? I didn’t waste a lot of time pondering the thought and nodded in response. Nick lifted my chin and sealed his lips over mine, just for a moment, before pulling away. It didn’t make me feel weak in the knees but it wasn’t bad either.

Another hour went by and people were slowly making their way out of the house. Nick thanked me for such a wonderful evening before he left and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He gave me his card and said I could call him anytime I wanted. When Sheryl mentioned wanting to leave, I did a quick walk around Josh’s house to see if I could find him while she called a cab. I found him out on his back porch smoking a joint with a couple of his friends.

“Josh?” I interrupted his laughter and he spun around when he heard my voice. “I’m leaving, do you want to walk me out?”

“Oh, yeah,” he turned towards his friends, “I’ll be back in a second.” He followed me back inside through the kitchen and down the hallway to the front door. “Sorry we haven’t gotten a chance to hang out tonight, you know, all these people to entertain. I hope you had fun.”

“I did. I’m glad I came. Maybe we can hang out before you have to leave? I know you’re leaving in a couple days but I could see you off at the airport or something.”

“No, that’s probably not a good idea. There’s paparazzi everywhere when I go to the airport, you don’t want to deal with that. We’ll do something when I get back, I promise. It won’t be as busy then, ok?” He rubbed my arms up and down.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt him squeeze me tight.

“Behave yourself when I’m gone. I saw you macking on that Nick guy earlier,” he murmured in my ear. So he must have seen the kiss, surprisingly he sounded okay with it. I found it odd that he wasn’t even a little bothered by it.

“I was not! It was one kiss at midnight!” I smacked his back before I pulled away.

“Yeah ok.” He glanced out the window. “I think your cab is here.”

“Ok. Make sure you send me a postcard from Paris,” I told him as he opened the front door.

“I will.” He gave me one more hug and a peck on the cheek before I stepped outside. “Bye Taylor.”


	25. The truth remains you're gone

**Josh:**

After playing out every possible scenario in my head about seeing Vanessa again, my brain was on overload. Going home to Kentucky for a little while was exactly what I needed to clear my head before my trip. Not even a week into my visit back home, I got a call and was asked if I could present a musical artist at the People’s Choice Awards, with Vanessa.

A few days wasn’t nearly enough time to mentally prepare myself for seeing her again and I was a nervous wreck when the night finally came. The way I had played out the night in my head was nothing like what really happened. I imagined that as soon as Vanessa would see me, she’d leap into my arms and it would feel like we never even split up.

When I saw her, she was radiant, glowing even. I wanted to walk up to her and give her a long hug and tell her how much I missed her, but that moment never came. We barely had any interaction at all. She simply waved to me when we were waiting to go on stage as the makeup people were touching us up and that was about it. We did our thing on stage, posed for a couple pictures together, then right after, she disappeared, maybe to avoid any awkward moments between us. Or maybe she had so much to say to me that she wanted to wait until we had a moment alone.

When I boarded the plane to go to Melbourne, I hoped that Vanessa would be on the same flight. I looked at the faces of the passengers as I moved to my seat and didn’t see her anywhere and was overcome with disappointment. A 24 hour long flight was more than enough time to talk to her about how I felt about the way we left things.

Just before take off, my phone dinged for a new text message. I hoped it was from Vanessa but Taylor’s name came up on the screen.

Heard you were back in LA for a few days, are you free for lunch or something? I’d love to see you!

I’m on the plane about to go to Australia. Sorry we couldn’t hang out I was really busy. I typed back.

Oh ok. Have a safe flight then!

I was anxious, excited and nervous all at the same time when I finally got to the hotel in Melbourne. A mixture of nerves plus the restlessness of the day-long flight had me feeling like I was in a daze. Not even an hour after I was settled in my room, a PR agent came to talk to me about what the next few days in Australia would look like. Tomorrow was pretty much a full day of interviews, followed by a little time for sightseeing, then the Melbourne premiere would be in the evening.

I got word that Vanessa arrived in Australia a little after I did and I was really dying to see her but someone told me that she had gone out to dinner with a few friends so I’d have to wait until the morning.

The next day, before I made my way to the suite where our interview sessions were going to be taking place, I stopped at the Starbucks in the lobby of the hotel and picked up a grande iced hazelnut macchiato with a splash of caramel and a sprinkle of cinnamon. I remembered how it was Vanessa’s favorite. It was the only thing that got her going in the morning and I thought she’d appreciate the gesture.

She was happily chit chatting with the first interviewer when I walked into the suite. My breath was almost taken away, she looked so beautiful. She wasn’t dressed up like she was at the People’s Choice Awards but she still looked stunning. A technical assistant was prepping her with a clip-on microphone and as soon as she noticed my presence, she perked up and smiled wide, making my stomach do somersaults.

“Good morning!” she squeaked.

“Hey, what’s up?” I smiled as I walked towards her and could already feel my hands begin to shake. “I got you this. I remembered it was your favorite,” I said as I handed her the cup.

“Awww thanks Josh! You’re so sweet!” She couldn’t stand up to hug me because of all the wires but when I handed her the cup she rubbed my forearm a couple times and my cheeks immediately heated up like one of those burners on an electric stove.

Once the stylist made me look camera ready, I took a seat next to Vanessa who had been watching me out of the corner of her eye the entire time while sipping on her drink. The smell of her perfume was in the air around her and I found it hard to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I was going to get to spend the whole day with her.

Each interview was almost exactly the same and I felt like a trained monkey answering the same rehearsed questions over and over again. It would have been rather boring if Vanessa wasn’t there. She never lost that bubbly energy, always answering the questions with such excitement. When she’d answer a question about what it was like to work with me, she’d always glance at me, then find some way to touch me. That was my favorite part. It made my blood boil even if it was a quick pat on the arm or nudge of the elbow.

Whenever I was talking to an interviewer, I could see out of the corner of my eye that she’d occasionally look me up and down. I had to grip onto the arm of the chair so I wouldn’t forget what I was saying some of the time, she made me so nervous. My suspicions after she called me  _had_  to be right. I knew she still had feelings for me deep down. It only took seeing me again to bring back all the good times we had together.

Whenever I was asked a question about The Hunger Games, for a second my mind would take me back to when I saw Taylor for the first time on the set. The way she looked at me when I shook her hand the first time still gave me chills. Yes, I was still very attracted to Taylor and she was awesome to be around, but my heart was completely set on Vanessa.

By the time the premiere was finished that night, even though I was exhausted, I pulled Vanessa aside when we had a few free minutes and asked if she wanted to hang out when we got back to the hotel. We had a lot of fun together during the day, taking pictures with each other at the beach, sightseeing; it almost felt like we were a couple again.

“I don’t know, we have a long day tomorrow,” she told me, avoiding eye contact and shuffling around nervously.

“Yeah I know. We can just grab some food and watch a movie or something, we don’t have to go anywhere,” I suggested, running my hand up and down her arm.

“That’s not such a good idea,” she scowled and shrugged my hand off her like she was disgusted to even be around me.

“Why not? We were having a good time today, weren’t we?” The vibe she was giving off now was completely different from the one she gave me earlier today. “What happened?”

“I had to make them believe we have chemistry. You know, for the cameras. I’m really sorry Josh. In case you’ve forgotten, I have a boyfriend.”

Of course I knew she had a boyfriend. It was something I wanted to make her forget about but she was making it hard for me. “I know. It’s just a movie, I’m not walking you down the aisle or anything,” I joked.

“Not tonight, I’m pretty tired. I’m sorry,” she responded apologetically.  

“Ok, fine. I’ll just see you in Sydney.” I shrugged it off like it didn’t bother me but deep down I was pissed.

I beat myself up almost the whole night about getting shot down like that and Andre was about ready to request his own room at the hotel because he was getting sick of listening to me ramble about Vanessa. We spent the night sitting around the hotel room eating Chinese food and watching some Australian soap opera.

"I just need to show or tell her that part of me is still in love with her."

"Ok,I’m going to stop you right there. You’re not in love with her, Josh. You can’t stand Vanessa. I was there for the interviews today and saw how you grimaced every time she opened her mouth. You’re in love with the  _idea_  of her. You want that head over heels feeling again and because Vanessa was the last person you felt that strongly for, you just  _think_  you want to be with her again.”

Maybe Andre was right. Maybe I did want to feel that way about someone again. “I’m just tired of being alone I guess,” I sighed as I stabbed a piece of chicken with my chopsticks.

"You need someone who won’t play games with you the way she did. Someone with a good heart who will take care of you and let you do the same to them in return. That person is  _not_  Vanessa.”

I let out a long sigh and let my head fall onto the back of the couch where it landed on the jacket and tie I tossed aside when I changed after the premiere. When I picked up the silk fabric, I was reminded of the time Taylor wanted me to tie her up with one of my ties. God it was so hot what she let me do to her.

I let out a long sigh and let my head fall onto the back of the couch where it landed on the jacket and tie I tossed aside when I changed after the premiere. When I picked up the silk fabric, I was reminded of the time Taylor wanted me to tie her up with one of my ties. God it was hot. Taylor could tell that night how hurt I was when something about Vanessa came up on TV and wanted to do something to make me feel good. But then I went ahead and fucked it up. I only thought of myself that night and made her upset with me. I didn’t deserve someone like her in my life.

  
Taylor could tell that night how hurt I was when something about Vanessa came up on TV and she wanted to do something to make me feel good and get my mind off it. But then I went ahead and fucked it up, only thinking of myself that night and made her upset with me. Despite all the horrible things I did to her, she still stuck around. I don’t know why she did that. I really didn’t deserve someone like her in my life.

Quickly, I sat back up and put my food to the side as I reached for my phone. I was still pretty upset over Vanessa, and talking to Taylor always made me feel at ease. I stepped into my bedroom and closed the door behind me so I could have a little privacy. I hadn’t thought about the time difference until she picked up, groaning into the receiver.

“Yeah?” she mumbled, half asleep.

“Oh god, I woke you up, didn’t I? I’m horrible. I’m so sorry. Go back to bed.”

“Josh?” Her voice softened and I heard her shift around. “No, it’s ok. What’s up? What time is it there?”

“A little after ten at night. I just wanted to give you a call because I had a little down time. I’m going to Sydney tomorrow.”

We ended up chatting for almost an hour, probably running up my roaming charges, but I didn’t care. Hearing her voice made me feel at home. I told her I’d let her get some sleep when she began only responding with “mhmms” and “uh-huhs” then called it a night myself.

The first stop in Sydney was a morning talk show and when I showed up to the studio, the air around Vanessa felt much different than the day before. I gave her a friendly nod but the look on her face told me she didn’t want anything to do with me. Maybe she felt bad for the way she acted the night before. I was still pretty bitter about everything and didn’t start the day on a good foot.

“Ok, pretend you guys like each other,” my publicist told me before we went on. She could sense the tension between Vanessa and I and didn’t want the audience to notice it.

When the cameras began rolling, I immediately put on my happiest face and made it seem like Vanessa was one of my best friends while she turned on her typical highly energetic, touchy-feely persona. I had to give her credit for being a fantastic actress. She could make anyone think she still had feelings for me, including myself.

When I think about it now, she even pulled that crap when we were dating. Always putting on a happy face when there were other people around to see. But she made it perfectly clear that she was just pretending to care for me. The majority of the morning show interview went by fairly smooth. We both answered all the questions like we were supposed to, but when it was almost over, the bomb hit.

“So how long have you two been going out?”

Even the show’s hosts believed she and I were an item. We deserved an Oscar for this performance.

My heart stopped and all I could do was look at Vanessa to see if she showed any hint of emotion on her face. The only thing I saw was terror.

I blurted the first thing I could think of. “We’re not. We did at one point but she broke my heart….”

Ok maybe that was a little too harsh for a morning talk show, but I couldn’t help it. All the feelings I had bottled up just came out. I glanced at Andre who was standing behind the cameras shaking his head frantically and tried to play it off as if I was joking.

“Haha, I’m just kidding.”

That afternoon, we had a radio interview which much more laid back than the morning talk show but the tension was still very apparent between us. The DJs had us answer not only questions about the movie but about our personal lives as well, even a few sexual questions which made it almost impossible to breathe at times. Almost everything Vanessa had an answer for, I disagreed with, just for the sake of pissing her off.

Then they had us switch roles and answer questions as each other. I got to take out my growing frustration with Vanessa but in a subtle way. It felt good to mock her annoying, high-pitched giggle that I used to love about her. They asked me, as Vanessa, about her relationship status.

“I’m in love,” I spoke in a high pitched voice.

“Oh, who are you in love with Vanessa?” The DJ asked.

“Austiiiiin.”

“Who’s Austin?”

“My boo!” Making it seem like I was having fun during the whole thing made it hurt a lot less when I thought about her being with someone else.

By the time we got to Mexico, I was tired of pretending like I was ok being around Vanessa so much. It seemed like all she talked about after I asked her to hang out was how much she loved her boyfriend, as if she was rubbing it in my face that she was happy with someone else. Having to plaster a fake smile on my face all the time began to make my jaw hurt and I found myself mentally counting down to the premiere in LA so I could go home for a few days.

All the lovey dovey Austin-Vanessa talk was also making me think a lot about Taylor. Andre had mentioned that the last time he saw me genuinely happy was when she and I were dating. I didn’t want to believe it at first but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. Every time we talked on the phone, I was constantly reminded of the little things about her that I had come to love, all the things that I missed.

Maybe Taylor was right for me. Maybe she wasn’t just another girl I could sleep around with so I could keep my mind off missing Vanessa. Maybe I actually needed her. The only question was, would she feel the same way? I ran our relationship into the ground like an old car. Would she trust that I wouldn’t hurt her again?


	26. Please don't think ill of me

**Josh:**

My only goal once the LA premiere was finally over was to get to Taylor and pour my heart out to her, if she’d let me. I seriously hoped she wouldn’t keep me in the friend zone because she was afraid that I’d hurt her again. I made a promise to myself to not do that and I was going to take this seriously. Vanessa made me afraid to let myself fall for anyone again but Taylor changed that for me and I was ready to give her the world.

My publicist tugged my arm when I was walking towards the limo that took my mom and I to the theater earlier that night. “Where you going? We have the after party, remember?”

“Shit. Do I have to? I have stuff to take care of and I need to do it tonight,” I whined.

“Yes, no complaining. It’s your job. You have to go mingle and talk to some more press people. It’s only a couple hours. And there’s an open bar.”

I let out a frustrated groan and hugged my mom goodnight since she wanted to turn in for the night before I shuffled my feet behind my publicist and onto the party bus that would take everyone to The Colony for the after party.

My first stop was the bar. There wasn’t enough alcohol behind it to help me tolerate the kissing and doe-eyed looks Vanessa and Austin were giving each other all night. I held back and watched all the pretty girls dance with each other in the middle of the floor for a while and talked to some more media people before the shots I did with Dwayne at the bar started to kick in. Someone managed to drag me onto the dance floor in the middle of the night and I only started dancing because I had tequila rushing through my body.

People surrounded me in every direction but I still felt like I was all alone. Especially when I’d glance at the dark corner that Vanessa and Austin parked themselves in. It was disgusting to see them all over each other like that. But then I remembered how Taylor and I almost screwed each other right in the middle of the wrap party after The Hunger Games was finished and I stopped letting them bother me.

I snuck outside when I got a free minute and drummed my fingers on a railing while I waited for Taylor to answer. After the fourth ring, she finally picked up and laughter and chatter filled the background.

“Hello?” Just the sound of her voice made me smile like an idiot.

“Hey, what’s up gorgeous? Are you at home?”

“No. Don’t you remember? I’m in San Francisco for the next few days. For a class. I told you about it awhile ago.”

Shit, she did tell me she was going up there but my head was so wrapped around Vanessa the last few weeks that I completely forgot.

“That’s right. I forgot. I’m at this after party and it blows. I wanted to see you while I was home for a couple days.”

“Awww, I’m sorry.” I heard someone in the background call her name and she said something to them that I couldn’t understand because it was muffled. “We can do something when you get back for good. When is that?”

“A couple weeks, after London,” I sighed. Two more weeks to wait to see her. I didn’t know if I could last two more weeks. She filled my thoughts almost every night before I went to sleep. I had become almost addicted to the thought of her. Some nights I’d think of the last time we slept together and I’d picture the way she looked with her legs wrapped tightly around my waist, begging me to go harder and make her come, and I’d have to jerk off because it got me so worked up.

“I’m really sorry Josh, but I need to let you go. Two weeks will go by fast though, I promise. I can’t wait to see you. Go have fun at that party, ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll try. Enjoy San Fran.”

***

A few days later, I found myself in yet another country. I was really looking forward to visiting Paris, even though I was exhausted from traveling so much. It was Taylor’s favorite city even though she had never been there herself and I couldn’t wait to tell her about everything.

My mom and I had someone show us some of the sights as soon as we landed in Paris and even though it was freezing cold there, it was a truly beautiful city. The Eiffel Tower was one of those things you have to see in person to really appreciate and the view from on top took my breath away. Maybe someday I’d take Taylor there, if she found it in her heart to let me back in. I saw a couple off to the side who had just gotten engaged. They were smiling and all over each other, relishing in their happiness.

An empty feeling grew in my chest as I watched them and I suddenly felt like shit. Would that be me someday? Would I ever be able to pull my head out of my ass and honestly let someone in again? Would that person be Taylor?

When we got back down on the ground, the tour guide began pointing out the structure from underneath and my mom was lost in the guy’s accent, so I pulled out my phone, unable to hold in my feelings for Taylor.

“Hey, what’s going on stranger?” she answered.

I paced around on the ground under the beautiful tower, pretending to admire the intricate steel work.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m standing under the Eiffel Tower and it’s pretty sweet.”

“No you’re not. Are you serious? That’s awesome Josh. I wish I was there!”

“Yeah, you’d probably like it here.  It’s cold but really beautiful.” My mom began walking down the street with the tour guide and while I followed them, I held back so they couldn’t overhear my conversation. “What are you doing right now?”

“Getting ready to go to class. I have to give this presentation and I don’t think I’m ready but oh well. It’s only 20% of my grade. But you probably don’t care. You’re in Paris for crying out loud! Tell me more about it!”

“No, I-I like hearing about what you’re doing. And actually I wanted to talk to you about something.” My words escaped me for a moment and I breathed in the cold Paris air.

“What is it?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about…us…lately. A lot actually.”

“Us? I don’t know if this is the best time to talk about this when you’re thousands of miles away.”

“Just let me put this out there, Taylor. I thought I could handle us being just friends. And to be perfectly honest, for a while I had my mind set on getting Vanessa back. But the more time I spend with her doing this promotion thing, the more I realize how wrong she always was for me. When I talk to you, you make me feel like I can be myself, I don’t have to put on some act like I’m happy because I’m really happy when it comes to you. And I want to feel that way all the time.”

“Josh….,” she interrupted.

“I’m not done. I know you still might not trust me and that’s ok, but I need you to know that I’m fucking crazy about you. I can’t sleep at night because I’m always thinking of what I can do to get you back. Then I think of how I saw you kissing that guy at my party and it tears me up inside. Because that should have been me. I don’t know how I ever let you slip through my fingers and I hate myself every day for doing what I did to you.” My voice cracked as all the horrible things I did to her came back to haunt me.

Taylor exhaled a long breath and was silent for a moment before she spoke again. “I don’t really know what to say right now.”

“You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted you to know how I’ve been feeling.”

“Well, if I said I didn’t miss what we had before when we were actually dating, I’d be lying. But I feel like we should talk about this in person, not when you’re in France. And I don’t want to jump back into anything right away.”

I smiled wide and put my hand over my chest and mouthed ‘thank you’ to God. She was at least open to putting our relationship back on the table and that was all I needed to hear. “Ok. We can do that. I’d like to take you out though, like on a date-date when I get back. And I promise I won’t try to have sex with you until you want to take that next step.”

Taylor chuckled into the receiver as I caught up to my mom and our tour guide. “Ok, it sounds like a plan.”

 

**Taylor:**

“Do you know where my boyfriend and I should go for dinner tonight?” my coworker asked me when I went into the back of the coffee shop to take my break.

“Um, I don’t know. Anywhere you go will be packed tonight. But if you can’t find something without a long wait, just have a quiet night in. You could make dinner together or something. Then you should put candles all over your house and play soft music while you cook with him. Then after you eat you can both curl up on the couch under a blanket and watch some scary movie where you hide in his chest when a really scary part comes on and let him drape his arm over your shoulder.” My coworker had to tap me to get my attention because I got lost in my own thoughts, imagining spending a night like that with Josh.  

“Wow, way to go into detail there,” she laughed.

“Sorry, I guess I’m just in that romantic kind of mood lately.” Ever since Josh told me how he felt, I had been feeling this way. He might have been halfway around the world spending every waking moment with his ex, but I was the one he was thinking about. It made me feel like the luckiest person in the world and I couldn’t wait to see him again.

I knew the first time I ever saw Josh that he would be a big part of my life. We just had to go through a couple bumps to get to where we are now. We were in a really good place. He was doing everything possible to show me how much he cared and I couldn’t get enough of the way he was making me feel.

He’d check in with me almost every day just to see how I was doing and listen to me ramble about my pointless worries about my classes and finding a job after graduation. Those simple, little things were making me fall for him, hard.

I pulled my phone out of my bag to play a game while I was taking my break and saw that I had a text message from Sheryl.

** **

“Oh my god!” I whispered to myself as I opened her picture to get a better look. “You have to be kidding me.” I covered my mouth with my hand and shook my head as I scrolled to Josh’s name on my phone. With the time difference it must have been around dinner time in London, where he was for the next couple days.

“Hey, what’s up?” he answered.

“I got five bouquets of beautiful flowers delivered to my apartment this morning from some guy. Know anything about that?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Five bouquets, wow. That guy must be crazy about you, whoever he is,” he chuckled.

“It was really sweet of you Josh, thank you so much.”

“It was the least I could do since I can’t be there. My mom and I are just about to walk into a restaurant for dinner, can I call you back later?”

“I’ll be working, then I have class later today, but tell your mom I said hi.”

“Ok. And we’re still on for Saturday at my house? So we can talk about stuff?”

“Yeah, of course. I can’t wait.” I was smiling so much that my cheeks were burning.

“Good. Me neither. Have a good rest of the day, beautiful.”

The next few days went by painstakingly slow and all I could do was wait patiently for Saturday when I’d get to see Josh. We planned on making dinner together at his house, where we’d have some privacy because we had a lot to talk about. Getting everything out on the table and figuring out where we stood with everything was going to be really good for us.

On Friday, my brother and his fiance stopped by my apartment to go over a couple things for their wedding since I was volunteered to be a bridesmaid. Dave’s jaw dropped the the floor when he saw the five vases of flowers I got on Valentine’s Day.

“God damn, how many boyfriends do you have these days?”

“None, those are all from Josh.”

“Oh god, the saga of Taylor and Josh continues. How many times have you two been through this?”

“Just once. We dated then we broke up and now we’re friends again and after we see each other tomorrow, who knows what we’ll be,” I shrugged as my future sister-in-law handed me a bridal magazine that she had bookmarked for some dress ideas.

“He sounds sweet to me. He’s just trying to make sure that you know he’s serious. And I can tell he means a lot to you, I remember how out of it you were after you guys broke up. Now look at you, you can’t stop smiling! Maybe you can have him come to the wedding as your date,” Melissa suggested.

“Yeah maybe,” I smiled, thinking of seeing Josh in a suit.

“Well, as long as you’re happy and he respects you. I don’t need some hot shot actor screwing my little sister over.”

“Thanks Dave, but I think I’ll be alright, he’s not so bad.”

The next morning when I was at work, I was overly excited about the possibility of getting serious with Josh again. The month and a half that had gone by since I saw him last was way too long and I couldn’t wait to just wrap my arms around him and get lost in his touch.

When I got out of work in the late morning, I was so anxious that I just couldn’t wait until later in the night to see him. I knew that he had been back for a couple days and was probably home getting used to having a little time off. Figuring he’d appreciate a surprise, I grabbed a couple coffees and some danishes on my way out of the coffee shop and headed for Josh’s neighborhood when my shift ended.

I glanced in the mirror to make sure I looked ok while I was at a red light, ready to turn onto Josh’s street. A smile crept on my face when I imagined how he’d react to seeing me before he expected it. He’d probably answer the door still in his sweatpants and t-shirt and get a big goofy grin on his face when he saw me. Then maybe he’d pull me inside and we’d spend the rest of the day all over each other.

But when I pulled into Josh’s driveway, everything that I had been hoping for came crumbling down and the air suddenly felt thinner and thinner. I struggled to breathe as I gripped the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white. I was so completely frozen that I couldn’t even put my car in park when I saw what was happening before me.

A brunette whose long fake extensions were all messed up like she was up all night having sex was leaned up against the side of a taxi parked in front of me in Josh’s driveway. Her overly spray-tanned, slender figure was barely covered by the little black dress she obviously had worn the night before. Her heels were hanging from her left hand while her right hand was draped around Josh’s neck.

My eyes darted to the bastard, wearing only a pair of sweatpants that were hanging low on his hips and nothing else. His hands were wrapped around her hips and his forehead was pressed up against hers in a loving display of affection. The whole thing was like one giant train wreck and as horrible as it was, I couldn’t look away from it. I just sat there, staring at them as they kissed one more time.

He didn’t see me sitting there until he opened the door of the cab for her. And that’s when his face turned as white as a ghost. That big goofy grin he had on his face, the one that I thought he’d have when he saw me, faded. He slowly closed the door of the cab after the girl climbed in and scrubbed the front of his face with his hands in shock.

Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled out onto my cheeks but I never looked away from him. I shook my head in disappointment when he started walking towards my car and he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the look on my face. We stared at each other the way a dog and a cat do right before they’re about to attack each other. A numb feeling rushed to my arms and legs and the breakfast I had that morning was starting to rise into my throat. I was completely and utterly disgusted. All I could do was wipe my eyes and throw my car into reverse as fast as I could.


	27. Just a bridge that I gotta burn

**Taylor:**

All I could do was drive. And I drove fast, practically ignoring the speed limit. I wound up on the Pacific Coast Highway with all my windows rolled down and my music turned all the way up to help get my mind off what I had just witnessed.

Even though it was a little chilly outside for Southern California, it felt good feeling the breeze hit my face. For the 40 minutes I drove, my body was completely numb and I struggled to get any air to my lungs. But I kept driving until I got somewhere that I knew was far enough away where Josh couldn’t find me even if he decided to come after me.

I pulled into a small parking lot off the highway next to a secluded beach and slowly stepped out of the car. I couldn’t think. I just let my feet take me to the sand. It was cold and a little wet but I didn’t care. When I sat down on the beach, I finally lost it. Every emotion hit me all at once. I grabbed a seashell that was beside me and chucked it into the air, channeling all of my anger into putting as much force as I could behind it. It didn’t even go very far. I didn’t know what to do except sit there and cry.

Everything Josh ever said to me had been a lie. He used me again. And I let him. He got me good, so good. He had me thinking I was so special to him. Like he had put me on some kind of pedestal, holding me above every other woman out there, even his ex Vanessa. Is this what he did to all of the girls he had? Buttered them up and made them feel like a million dollars so they wouldn’t suspect that there were others? Is this how he used his fame? Was every actor like this? I didn’t understand how one person could be that terrible. 

I laid back in the sand for a while and let the sound of the waves crashing against the shore calm me down until I was stable enough to drive home. More tears fell while I was in the car when I thought about how my friendship with Josh wasn’t real. Not for him. He was playing me like he had any other girl. I meant absolutely nothing to him. I was so angry at myself for thinking that I meant something to him.

My brother called me when I was 20 minutes away and asked if I was home so he could pick up a couple things that Melissa left there the day before. I told him he’d have to wait for me and that I’d get there as fast as I could since Sheryl wasn’t home to give them to him. I looked at my tear stained face in the rearview mirror when I pulled into my parking lot. Dave would know right away that I was crying so I didn’t even bother putting makeup on to hide it.

“Hi,” I muttered to Dave who had been playing with his phone outside my door when I got there. I kept my eyes on the floor when I was opening the door for him, hoping he wouldn’t say anything about me looking like shit.

“What’s up your ass today?” he asked when he followed me inside.

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why do you look like you’ve been hit by a bus?”

“Dave, I said I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped as I walked to the kitchen counter and handed him the bag of stuff he was picking up.

“Ok. Jesus. Can I at least get a drink before I leave?”

“Fine, help yourself.” I pointed to the cabinet where the glasses were and sat down at the counter and rubbed the corners of my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. When I stopped rubbing them, I couldn’t help but notice the five vases of flowers sitting on the coffee table in the living room, just tormenting me. Without saying anything, I stood up and picked up two vases and brought them to the kitchen where I dumped the water out in the sink and put the flowers in the garbage underneath.

“What on earth are you doing?” Dave asked, closing the refrigerator door.

“I can’t look at these.”

“Why?”

“Because Josh fucked me over. He only sent me these flowers because he wanted to keep me around to have sex with me every once in a while. That’s why,” I said, my voice getting shaky as tears began to prick my eyes again.

“Oh Taylor, what happened?”

“This whole time he’s been playing me. The whole fucking time, Dave. He said he wanted a relationship and when I went to see him today to do something nice for him, he was making out with some random girl. He keeps making me think I’m something to him but I’m just another notch on his bedpost. I’m done.” I was sobbing now and Dave pulled me into his chest and let me cry.

He was so worried about me that he stayed for a good part of the afternoon until he had to get to the studio for work. He might have been a jackass a lot of the time but he was still my brother and I knew I meant a lot to him.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?” he asked on his way out the door.

“Yeah, I just need a couple days to get over this I guess,” I shrugged and wrapped my arms around him again.

“If he tries anything with you again, you tell him what I told you. No more. You’re too smart to get caught up with him like that again.”

“I know,” I said shaking my head. “I’ll be careful. Thank you.”

***

A week went by without any word from Josh. Sheryl and Courtney both vowed to get me back on my feet after I told them about what he did to me. Just like the last time something like this happened, I cut my hair short and got more highlights. I barely recognized myself but it was what I needed. If I was going to let Josh go for good, I couldn’t remain the same person I’ve always been when it came to him.

**I’m outside, can we talk?**

My phone lit up with a text message from Josh when I was getting ready to go see a movie with Courtney and her mom one night. I stared at the text and wondered what the hell took him so long to get the guts to step forward. When I glanced out my bedroom window, I saw his Audi in the parking lot and caught a glimpse of the tattoo on his wrist that was hanging out the window.

I didn’t even want to hear an excuse from him. I knew that’s why he came over. I only wanted to call him out and tell him that I never wanted to see him again. He was basically handing me this opportunity and I had to take it. I walked outside, still unsure of what exactly to say to him. When I got to his car, I expected him to get out and kneel to the ground and beg for my forgiveness. I stood there just staring at him until he finally poked his head out the window.

“Will you get in the car?”

I didn’t say anything and just shook my head.

“Please? I really don’t want to have to do this out in the open.”

“I’m not leaving this spot,” I snapped.

He groaned and unbuckled his seatbelt before stepping out of the car like he was under arrest. He looked up at me like an innocent little puppy dog that just chewed my favorite pair of shoes.  But there wasn’t an innocent bone in his body. He knew what he did. I didn’t even let him speak, I just let him have it.

“Well this is typical. Showing up at my doorstep after you messed up so you can beg for my forgiveness. Let’s see what you have to say this time,” I said, tapping my finger on my chin. Then I lowered my voice to imitate his. “Oh Taylor, you mean so much more to me than that girl you saw me kissing in my driveway. You HAVE to trust me when I say I care about you and only you.” 

“Taylor, please…” Josh started, his voice cracking.

“Or are you going to go back to Paris and tell me how much you care about me from underneath the Eiffel Tower again? That was brilliant. You really had me fooled, didn’t you?”

He opened his mouth to say something else but I put my hand up to stop him.

“Save it. Save that bullshit apology that I know is coming. You’re a fantastic actor Josh. I’m surprised you aren’t nominated for an Oscar for that performance you put on.”

“Listen, I know I fucked up, but….”

“Yeah, you did. You really fucked up this time pal. You made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. I thought that maybe I could fall in love with you. But now, all that is shot to hell after what you did to me.”

“Can’t you just let me explain what happened?”

“No! I’ll tell you what happened, it was pretty clear when I showed up at your house. You’ve been playing me since the day I met you, making me think I mean something to you. Did that girl you were with know that she’s one of many? Do you have her number so I can let her know because I’d really love to save some poor soul from making the mistake of believing anything that comes out of your mouth.”

“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say. It’s not like I’m going to deny that anything happened.”

“Then don’t say anything. We’re both wasting our time right now. So just leave. I’m done with this.”

**Josh:**

Just like that, Taylor walked away and out of my life. She didn’t even look back. I tried to explain what happened but she didn’t even let me speak. I didn’t blame her. If I was in her position and saw what happened between me and that girl, I wouldn’t let me say anything either. How could I be such a moron and let things get so out of hand? There wasn’t any combination of words that I could say to her to make her forgive me for hurting her the way I did.

The girl Taylor saw me with was a one-time thing, a mistake. A big drunken mistake. I had no intention of sleeping with her, she just threw herself at me that night. I didn’t even want to kiss her when I walked her out the next morning. But she was so persistent, she wouldn’t leave until after I kissed her.

I got back in my car after I watched Taylor walk away, wiping her eyes. There’s no way to describe the pain I felt when she walked away like that. I could see in her eyes as she was yelling at me that she was about ready to break down, even though her other facial features remained unscathed.

It took me a long time to build up the courage to even try to apologize to Taylor after she saw what she saw. First I gave her a couple days to cool off, then I started arguing with myself about whether or not to try to explain myself. I figured she wouldn’t believe anything I said anyway. But then it got to the point where I couldn’t think about anything else and I thought maybe if I made some kind of effort, she’d see that I still cared.

What I should have done was jump in the car or on my bike the day she saw me and chased her down and explained everything then. Waiting a week was such a bad idea. I didn’t know what I was going to do now. My feelings for her were genuine, no matter what she thought. I wanted her and only her.

Jarod called me as I was pulling into my driveway. I had been avoiding him because this whole situation was his fault but I figured now was a good time to tell him about how he messed everything up.

“Yeah?” I answered as I stepped out of the car.

“Get ready, we’re going out again tonight.”

“No. Last time I went out with you, you fucked me over,” I snapped.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, you got me shitfaced. You told me to go talk to that one girl and you’re the one who said I should take her home. Now Taylor wants nothing to do with me, ever again. So you fucked me over man.”

“I wanted to show you a good time, celebrate your homecoming. I was being a good friend. And you needed to get laid. I knew you weren’t getting any while you were gone. And you honestly think if things worked out with Taylor that she’d fuck you right away? You should be thanking me, I was doing you a favor.”

“Well now thanks to you, the only person I wanted is gone.”

“Taylor can’t be the end all be all for you. Just come out with me tonight, get your mind off her. It will be a good time, I promise.”

Maybe he was right. It wasn’t going to do me any good sitting at home and wasting away trying to think of what I could do to get on Taylor’s good side. She made up her mind. She was ready to move on and maybe it was time that I did the same.


	28. Let it burn

**Taylor:**

His whiskers danced across my cheek, making me feel like every nerve was shaking with anticipation. My lips quivered and all the hair on my body stood on end as his hand ran up and down my waist underneath my shirt. His touch ignited a fire deep within me that no other man could bring about.

He was going to be gone for two whole months - way too much time after I just got him back. I had woken up that morning crying a little because I didn’t want to let him go again. What we had now was absolutely perfect. He kissed my tears away as we laid in bed and told me we were going to be okay, that I shouldn’t worry about us. Now we were standing in his driveway, leaned up against my car, saying our goodbyes. And it hurt.

“I wish I didn’t have to go baby,” he whispered against my ear before he kissed just below it.

“Josh stop, don’t make this any harder than it already is.” I gripped onto him tighter as I fought back more tears. Any time away from this man seemed unbearable to me.

“I’m so happy we talked things out. I couldn’t bear to lose you again,” he murmured before kissing my lips. That same electrifying shock every time our lips met hit me once again. If I hadn’t been holding onto him, I would have flown away. His hands reached up to cradle my face. “I love you so much Taylor.” And then as soon as those tender words escaped his lips, he drifted away from me and I woke up.

I sat up in bed, gasping for air, clutching onto my pillow as if I was clutching onto Josh in my dream.

Another dream, different scenario.

For weeks I’d have these dreams about Josh and I getting back together. Each one felt so real. I could actually  _feel_  his body up against mine. I could  _hear_  his voice so clearly. Some of the dreams were sexual, where Josh and I would be clawing at each other. They were so hot that I’d wake up feeling wet between my legs. Other dreams, Josh and I would be laying next to each other in a field or in somewhere remote just listening to each other’s heartbeat.

There were some nights where I’d be in such a hurry to go to sleep because I wanted so badly to continue this perfect movie in my head. But other nights, I was afraid that one of the dreams would turn into a nightmare, fearing that I’d walk into Josh’s house and catch him with another girl, like I did that day at his house.

Josh and I hadn’t had any contact since the day he showed up at my apartment, but clearly he still had me wrapped around his finger in his own sneaky little way. Something inside me was still fixated on him and all I wanted to do was forget that I ever laid eyes on the bastard. I hated him for filling up my thoughts when I was awake and asleep.

Everything I did seemed to remind me of Josh. And no matter what I did, it hurt to think of him. I still had things to say to him and I knew he still had words that were left unsaid, but when the “I’m so sorry” text messages and desperate voicemails from him finally stopped coming, it was like he closed the door on me, so none of what either of us had to say seemed to matter.

Moving on from him was my only option. The dreams had to stop or else I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. So I dove into school work and picked up a few extra shifts at the coffee shop. Graduation was approaching fast and entering the real world was a terrifying thought.

On top of all my boy drama, I had to think about what the hell I was going to do with my life once I got my diploma in May and where I was going to live. Sheryl and I couldn’t stay in our apartment because it was for students only. And it’s not like she and I could find another apartment to live in because she landed a nice job with NBC in New York after graduation.

If I hadn’t been so wrapped up with Josh the last nine months, I’d probably have my life figured out by now. But instead, the only future I had was at the coffee shop. And moving back in with my parents wasn’t something I was looking forward to. Knowing them, they’d probably charge me rent to stay at the house.

“You haven’t heard from any of the studios you applied at?” Melissa, my future sister-in-law asked me when we were at the bridal shop she dragged me to so she could show me her wedding dress.

“Not a word,” I muttered, running my fingers over the fabric of the veil I held in my hands.

“Well it’s only April, you have lots of time,” she replied, looking at herself in the mirror.

“Not really, graduation is a month away.”

She put her hands on her hips and looked at my reflection, giving me a concerned look. “Taylor trust me, your brother can help you find something if you don’t hear back. He knows a lot of people in the business. And he loves you a lot. He wants to see you go places and be happy. And as your soon to be sister, that’s what I want too.”

It was clear that Melissa didn’t hate me like I thought she did when I first met her. We had become pretty close in the last few months and I actually looked forward to spending time with her. I told her everything about Josh. Every little detail. She didn’t know why I was having dreams about him so much but agreed that moving on was the best thing for me.

“I know that but I don’t want to have to rely on him to get a job. I’d feel obligated to owe him for it.”

“What about that guy from Josh’s New Years party? The cute English one. Didn’t he say he could get you on the Catching Fire set?”

“I’m  _not_  working on the Catching Fire set. Josh will be there,” I snarled at his name.

“So? It would be such a good job for you and you already know mostly everyone there. And you probably won’t even see Josh. I bet that you’ll both be too busy to even think about each other. You should call that guy.”

 

I slept on the idea for a few days. How would I handle seeing Josh again? It wouldn’t be like seeing him at a bar or running into him at The Grove. I’d have to be around him for long periods of time. Day after day, night after night. And how would he feel working around me? Would he cast me aside and set his sights on some other poor defenseless girl? How would I handle witnessing that shit storm? Or would he try to get in my pants again and annoy me about it until I couldn’t take any more?

Finally I decided to just find out about the job. A job is a job, after all  The real paycheck would be nice and I heard there was the possibility of flying to an exotic location for the arena scenes. I’d just stick it out and stay focused on getting work done and stay away from Josh as much as possible. I found Nick’s card at the bottom of my purse and called him after class one afternoon.

“Nick? It’s Taylor, we saw each other at Jo— that New Years party earlier this year.” I didn’t even want to speak Josh’s name.

He sounded muffled, like he was outside in the wind. “Taylor! Yes! It’s been quite a while hasn’t it. I’m so glad to hear from you.” The elation in his voice and his English accent put a smile on my face.

“Listen, um, I wanted to see maybe if you wanted to grab a drink or lunch or something sometime. I’d like to find out about the Catching Fire shoot and see if any spots for a PA are open.”

“Absolutely! I’m actually in Hawaii right now doing a location scout with Suzanne but I’ll be in LA next week. Let’s have dinner.”

“Wow, Hawaii…” The thought of getting to work somewhere that beautiful made me really excited for this opportunity, despite the fact that Josh would be there.

“Yes, we’ve been traveling a lot looking at locations for the arena. I think we found a beach that would be perfect for it. Suzanne fell in love the moment she saw it. I’m sorry to cut our call short but I’m just stepping into the car. Do you mind if I call you when I return to California?”

“That’s fine. Have fun out there, I’ll see you soon.”

**Josh:**

“It’s yellow!” Andre pointed and laughed at me. “You look like a highlighter dude.”

“Shut up. It’s just a week then they’re toning it down. Peeta’s hair wasn’t described as the color of a baby chicken.” I ran my fingers through my newly dyed hair in the mirror. “It will be fine. I’ll just wear a hat when I go out tonight.”

“Going out again? But the tournament is tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I won’t get too crazy. I’ll just be out long enough to find something pretty to take home.”

Andre just rolled his eyes at me. He was getting tired of, as he liked to call, “my antics” lately. But I just couldn’t help myself. Every time a girl smiled at me, I had to talk to her and most of the time, I’d end up taking her home with me.

Since The Hunger Games came out and became the biggest movie of the year, my fame had skyrocketed and I got recognized almost everywhere I went. Girls would throw themselves at me even more these days. Always screaming “Peeta! Oh my god I love you so much!” and that was my way in. I milked it for everything I could.

The girls I brought home were ones who knew I was just a one time kind of guy, and they were okay with that. If any of them ever mentioned wanting to see me again, I’d just give them the typical “I don’t have time for anything serious right now” speech and they’d be gone.

To an outsider, it looked like my life was good. I had a successful career and was set financially for the next few years because of The Hunger Games franchise. I seemed to live life to the fullest, always having a good time without a care in the world. It seemed as though I was young and free.

But I was lying to myself and everyone around me. I was an actor, so I was good at it. On the inside, I wasn’t happy or carefree at all. The girls I slept around with were just a distraction to me, something to keep my bed warm.

On the nights when I wouldn’t bring anyone home with me, I’d lay awake and think of Taylor and my heart would ache. It was like I had this constant emptiness in my chest.

I can’t count the number of times when I shakily scrolled to her name in my phone and considered calling her. It had been months since I tried to get a hold of her and I thought maybe her hatred towards me would be gone by now. All I wanted was to hear the sound of her voice and to know how she was doing. I had even driven past where she worked a couple times and wondered what she’d do if I decided to walk in for a cup of coffee.

But I let her go. I knew she wouldn’t dare give me another chance no matter how hard I tried. Taylor gave me more than enough chances with her and I blew all of them.


	29. I'd let you be if you put down your blazing gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read the first few chapters of the story again so you remember what happened after Taylor got to the Catching Fire set. This chapter picks up just as Taylor goes to leave Josh’s room.

**Josh:**

“I’m not just another worthless slut who will get your dick wet that you can shut out once you’ve had your fill, Josh!” Taylor is irate now and shouting at me as she struggles to keep the towel that is covering her in place.

I don’t know what I can do or say to get her to stop yelling at me. She’s like an atom bomb ready to go off. The first thing I can think of is to kiss her, hoping my lips will somehow calm her down. So I slowly lean in and softly press my mouth to hers.

“Shhh, you’ll wake up Andre in the next room,” I whisper as I pull away, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about Andre!” She yells even louder. The blue in her eyes stands out among the tears that have started to pool in them and I know I’ve really messed things up. She pushes me away and walks towards the bathroom to collect her clothes.

“Coming up here was the biggest fucking mistake I’ve ever made! I can’t believe I was stupid enough to actually think you changed…again.” Her voice is shaky as she struggles to fight back the tears.

She comes out of the bathroom as she’s slipping her shirt over her head. She looks utterly miserable and I feel bad that I made her feel this way, but I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous she’s being. Not that she has no right to hate me, but her actions are so dramatic, it’s a little funny. I spit out the first thing that comes to mind when she glares at me. 

“Tay, come on. I don’t have time for anything serious right now. You know if I did, I’d want to be with you, right?”

Her jaw falls to the floor and I immediately wish I could have a do-over on this entire night.

“You’d want to be with me if you had  _time_? Don’t talk to me about time Josh. I’m the one who wasted too much time on you.” She starts to run towards the door but I quickly stop her. She can’t leave like this and I’d feel like such an asshole if I let her.

I grab her arm and pull her into me, just wishing she’d let herself trust me. “Baby, wait. I’m sorry. Don’t go like this, come on. Can’t we just talk about all of this?”

“I’m NOT your baby Josh.” She pushes herself away and continues running away and slams the door behind her.

I figure it’s not even worth trying to stop her again, she wants to leave and I have to give her some time to cool off. Glancing at the clock, I groan when I see how late it is. I have an early call time in the morning and I know I should sleep but with the way everything just happened, there’s no way I can stop my mind from running all over the place.

I always hated seeing Taylor so upset. I didn’t mean to treat her like just another girl, she definitely  _isn’t_  just another girl. She’s so much more than that. As soon as I saw her on set, my world turned upside down and everything I had been hoping for the last few months came true. But she had no idea how I felt.

It took me by total surprise that she came to work here when she knew she’d have to be around me day after day. I wondered what was going through her head when she made the decision to come here. I thought maybe she missed me, that she wanted to work towards having something again. And when she came up to my room tonight, even though I was still pretty tipsy, I never felt more alive. It was like every weight on my shoulders dragging me down was lifted off.

I had her right where I needed her. She came up to my room for crying out loud, that had to mean something. I was ready to sit her down and put everything out there, tell her about what I had been feeling the last six months, but the desperate, wanting look on her face turned me in another direction and I couldn’t help but physically want her. I was thinking with the head in my pants instead of the one on my shoulders and I fell back into an old habit that I wanted to get rid of. Now I have no idea where things stand with us, I just know that it’s not good and it’s all my fault.

**Taylor:**

I lift myself off the bed when the sun rises and prepare myself to take on a new day and forget that yesterday even happened. It’s finally time for me to wash away the feelings I once had for Josh. This is enough.

There’s no more torture my body or emotions can possibly handle. I must get out of this cat and mouse game that I’ve been playing with him for the last year. It’s be the most exhausting and draining year of my life. I never thought someone could pull me in and push me away so many times. It makes me sick to my stomach that I put up with it for so long. Not anymore. I’m done hoping that he’ll change. It’s only wasting time.

He spots me on set when I’m grabbing myself something to eat and flashes me the same old sly smile that has worked to his advantage so many times before. Not today. I don’t even acknowledge him. I shrug the thought of him out of my brain completely and continue pouring my coffee.

My phone dings in the pocket of my hoodie and I’m hesitant to look at it at first, but if I’m going to let him go, I can’t be afraid of whatever he has to say to me anymore.

**Good morning you look gorgeous, just thought you should know**   
**Even though I know you hate me**

It’s too early for this. He looks desperate as he waits for me to respond with either a smile or a reply, but I only roll my eyes and put my phone back into my pocket. I see him shake his head in disappointment out of the corner of my eye before someone’s voice catches my attention.

“Taylor,I’ll need you to go over to the production office and start putting together copies of the first 39 pages of the script.” My assistant director startles me when she puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Oh! Sorry you scared me. Sure, no problem.”

“And then you’ll need to be on hand during the final costume fittings for the first scene to make sure Jennifer, Josh and Woody have everything they need.”

“Josh?” I groan internally as she replies with a nod. I knew I’d have to be around him when I signed up for this so I really have no right to complain. This is my job and I just have to stick it out no matter how fed up I am with Josh.

After distributing the copies of the script I put together, I make my way to the wardrobe building where the costume designer, Trish, is sorting out the outfits for the final fittings. She has me look for the paperwork with the original measurements for each person and tells me that I’ll be taking note of what changes will need to be made.

Jennifer enters first. This is the first time I’ve seen her since last year and she’s still as personable and down to earth as I remember. She makes it very easy for me to enjoy this typically boring task. She’s in the middle of telling us about how she had to call 911 for someone who she found unconscious, when the door to the room we’re in opens wide and Josh walks in.

He doesn’t even look at Jennifer or Trish. His eyes go directly to me. It’s as if he knew I was there as soon as he walked in. A shiver rushes down my spine but I don’t let him see that I’m bothered that he is here.

“Hey Josh!” Trish greets him and Jennifer simply smiles.

“Hey what’s up,” he responds in a cheerful tone. He acts as if he doesn’t even remember that last night happened. He’s cool and confident and looks like he got the best sleep of his life last night, while I’m sitting here feeling like a zombie. My cheeks burn with anger as I look away from his piercing stare and cocky smile. I hate him. He’s the biggest mistake I ever made.

“You’re a bit early, but I’m almost done with Jen so why don’t you go ahead and get changed. Everything is hanging up on that rack over there,” Trish tells him and points to the rack of clothes on the other side of the room.

I watch him with my peripheral vision, but continue writing down what Trish says about the final changes to Jennifer’s costume. He thumbs through the rack of clothes and his hand touches the outfit he’s supposed to try on several times and I know he knows it’s there, but he still keeps pretending to look for it.

“Sorry, I can’t find it. Can you show me where it is?”

“Yeah, I hung it up earlier. Taylor can you show him?” Trish asks me since she’s in the middle of pinning the bottom of Jennifer’s pants.

My jaw clenches as I get up from my chair and I throw the clipboard down and make my way to where Josh is standing. He smiles wide and looks me up and down when I walk up to the rack of clothes but again, I don’t acknowledge his actions. I lift the hanger off the rack which holds the pair of pants and button down shirt he’s supposed to try on and shove it at him.

“Here,” I spit and offer him the fakest smile I can muster before turning around to go back to my chair.

“Ow, thanks.”

Several minutes pass and Jennifer’s fitting is finished and now it’s Josh’s turn. He walks out from behind the dressing area and holds his arms out in the air.

“I can’t get all the buttons on the wrists.” He glances at me, then to Trish who is on the phone, then back to me. “Taylor do you mind?” He looks at me like a desperate puppy dog and I know he’s doing it on purpose. It’s not like he’s incapable of doing the four buttons on each cuff himself, he’s not a monkey.

I yank his left arm and begin fastening the buttons on the sleeve. While I’m doing this, I can feel his gaze burning a hole into my head. I glance up at him and for the first time all day, I see a hint of emotion on his face.

“Tay,” he starts, his voice softening. I know where this is going. He’s going to apologize to me for the 100th time. I don’t want to him to finish because it’s not going to be sincere.

“Give me your other arm,” I snap and grab his other wrist before he can continue.

“Taylor can you just let me…”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I whisper to him as Trish is hanging up her phone.

Thankfully, Josh doesn’t need a lot of alterations done on his outfit and steps off the platform only after a couple minutes. The scowl never left his face the whole time he was up there. It was like he was a 5 year old who was told he couldn’t have ice cream before dinner. He has Trish undo the buttons on his cuffs before walking back to the dressing area to get changed.

His actions don’t surprise me. When he can’t have what he wants, he pouts like a child. That’s why he uses his charm to his advantage. But all the pouting and sad puppy dog eyes don’t have an effect on me this time. There’s nothing he can do to make me give in to him.

Trish has me take out the outfit that Woody will be trying on when he arrives. I’m looking forward to seeing him again, even though I didn’t see him much last year. He’s such a legend in the movie business and working with him during this shoot is going to be amazing.

The front door opens as I’m sorting through the clothing rack and I hear my name in a familiar voice that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

“Taylor?”

I turn around to see Nick standing there with a big smile on his face. After everything that happened with Josh over the last 12 hours, I’m elated to see him. He’s dressed comfortably in a long sleeved Henley and pair of dark jeans, which is a big change from the dress shirt and tie I saw him in when we had dinner a few months ago.

“Hi!” I smile at him and feel a little giddy when he waves at Trish and walks towards me.

“Working hard I see?”

I’m smiling so hard that my cheeks start to burn. Something about his voice and the way he says my name makes me feel like a school girl again.

“Yeah, trying to.” I reach out and touch his shoulder. “Hey I never did thank you for helping me get this job, it’s been really great so far.” Except for the fact that Josh made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

“Why don’t you thank me by letting me treat you to dinner tomorrow. I’ll show you the city a little bit too.”

Josh appears from behind the changing area with his normal clothes on. I watch as he hands the hanger to Trish and storms out of the room.

“Sure, I’d like that,” I tell Nick. It will be nice being around a guy who is mature enough to handle a woman and will treat her with respect. I know Josh is pissed but there’s nothing he can do to stop me now. I deserve to be happy for once.

After Woody does his fitting, I’m alerted that I’m needed on the other side of the set right away. There are golf carts that PAs can drive to get from one place to the other so I can get there pretty quickly. When I step outside of the wardrobe building, I see Josh sitting in the front seat of my designated golf cart. He’s biting his nails and is seething.

“What are you doing? I need this,” I tell him.

“I need a ride to the sound stage. Saw the golf cart and sat down. Didn’t know it was yours.”

“Yes you did.” I take a deep breath and try to control my temper. “I don’t have time to argue with you right now.” I feel like the world is out to get me somehow, always putting me around Josh when he’s the last person I can tolerate at the moment.

I grit my teeth while I drive us across the set and Josh is silent, probably thinking of what he can possibly say to me now that we’re alone. I park the golf cart next to the sound stage and don’t say anything to Josh as I climb out.

“You’re really gonna start dating THAT guy?” he says as I start walking away.

There it is. I knew that’s what he’s pissed about. Because he doesn’t have me crawling to get to him. I don’t even have to answer him. What I do with my personal life is no longer any of his business.

I groan and walk back to the cart and sit down next to him. “Listen Josh, we obviously have to work together a lot while we’re here so that means I have to talk to you whether I like it or not, but I don’t have to tell you anything about my personal life any more. I’m trying to put what we had and all the shit you did to me in the past. So from now on, the only things I’m going to say to you will be about this movie. And that’s it.”


	30. Still alive but I'm barely breathing

Josh:

 

It seems like no matter what I do these days, I end up hurting someone or I get hurt myself. If I’m ever going to be truly happy, I’ll need to do some growing up. I need to stop worrying about how everyone perceives me, which is so hard to do in Hollywood. But I need to get past this. I’m beginning to hate myself when I look in the mirror. What is this monster I’ve become in the last year? It’s really not fair to put all the blame on Vanessa for making me this heartless prick, even though she played a big role in my changing.

 

“Josh, where do you want this box of stuff? I think your shoes are in here. Front closet?” my mom asks. I’m finally moving into the condo where I’ll be staying while I’m in Atlanta. I like it here a lot. There’s more to do when there’s downtime and Sam, who I hit it off with right away, is just a couple floors below me. I’ve spoken to him on numerous occasions about my female situation. He wanted to know why I was single and when I told him it was complicated, really complicated, he made me tell him everything. 

 

“Sounds to me like you’re afraid of being rejected. It’s simple. Vanessa had such an effect on you that you’re going to look at every romantic relationship you have as being doomed from the start. You’re a prick after you get what you want so that YOU can be the one to do the dumping so YOU don’t have to feel hurt. But you don’t realize that these girls have it built up in their heads that you’re this perfect guy because that’s what you make them believe at first so when you flip this switch on them, they’re hurt that much more.

 

And Taylor is the girl who has broken the mold because she’s not like the other girls. Something about her keeps drawing you to her. But you’ve hurt her so many times that now she’s numb to you and everything that comes out of your mouth to her is a lie. I feel like if you sit her down when you’re NOT drunk and be totally honest with her about everything, Josh, she’ll come back around in time. But for now, you should really let her have some space.”

 

“Yeah, anywhere is fine, Mom, I’ll take care of it later.” My thumb brushes across what I’m holding in my hands. I’ve been staring at it for a few minutes now and I’m surprised my mom hasn’t wondered why I’m cooped up in my bedroom.

 

It’s a picture of Taylor that I took of her when I took her up to this mountain in North Carolina. I remember that she didn’t want her picture taken, but she was so beautiful and at ease that I wanted to capture the way she looked in that moment. She didn’t have a care in the world that day and she shared so much about herself that helped me discover who she really was.

 

And now, hell, I can only imagine what’s going through her head. I’ve probably ruined all of her future relationships. I’ll always be in the back of her mind when she goes to get close to someone. She’ll be afraid that all of the mind games I played with her will come back and haunt her. I’m not proud of any of this.

 

Taking Sam’s advice, I put the photo back in the box where I found it and prepare myself to give her the space she needs. I only hope that he was right when he said someday she’ll come back around. Because the truth is, that I just might be in love with her.

 

Taylor: (3 weeks later)

 

"Wow, you look beautiful!” Caroline, my roommate comments when I step into our living room. We moved into our condo a few weeks ago with one other person and it feels like I’m back in college being here. There’s constant chatter in the hallway outside our door and sharing a bathroom with two other people has been be a challenge, but at least the only time I’m ever here is when I’m sleeping since I’m on set for 16 hours a day.

 

"Thank you,” I smile and take another look in the mirror.

 

“Nick has brought out a new side to you, you seem happy lately, like really happy."

 

“Yeah, I am happy. I like Nick a lot, he's a good guy." I slip on my shoes and check the time on my phone. 

 

"Good. Where's he taking you tonight?"

 

"Dinner, then we're going to a party his friends are having at this museum. Very swanky," I tell her in a jokingly snooty voice.

 

“Lah-tee-dah. I have a date with the Lifetime Movie Network and a box of macaroni and cheese. Ask him if he has any single friends so I can be wined and dined like you’ve been.”

 

I smirk and feel my phone buzz in my hand. There’s a text from Nick telling me he’s here to pick me up and that I should meet him downstairs. My cheeks start to heat up in anticipation as I put my phone in my purse.

 

“Well, he’s here. I’m not sure how long I’ll be.”

 

“Go, have fun while you can, before we become production slaves again.” She shoos me away and I take off out the door.

 

The few times that Nick and I went out before, it was just the two of us. We would  always go out, and it was  always somewhere that lived up to his standards. I found that he had a taste for the finer things in life, which is out of the ordinary for me. Before him, my idea of a romantic date consisted of Taco Bell and watching shitty reality TV on the couch. But I’m giving this new stuff a shot anyway. Nick is really smart and knows how to treat a woman with respect. He hasn’t even tried to sleep with me yet which is quite a change for me.

 

As I make my way to the elevator and press the button to go down, I smooth out my red dress and hope I look okay. I didn’t have much time to get ready after production wrapped for the day and I’m really nervous about meeting Nick’s friends for the first time.

 

The elevator stops a couple floors below mine to pick someone up on the way to the lobby. When I glance up at the person, I feel a little uneasy at first, but then I remind myself that it’s just Josh and I don’t have anything to be weary of. He knows I’m sort of seeing someone now and has given me the space that I asked him to give me for the last few weeks.

 

“Hey,” he mutters and hesitantly steps in. I look up at his eyes and notice the hint of sadness in them, but he manages to keep a smile on his face. He’s wearing a plain white shirt, blue gym shorts and black running shoes. I notice he has a soccer ball under his left arm and I want to ask him where he’s going to play just to make small talk. But I only smile back at him, the way you do to a neighbor you only ever see when you’re getting your mail. He quickly looks at what I’m wearing as the doors close. “Nice dress.”

 

This is the first thing he’s said to me that hasn’t been about the movie in weeks and this is the first time we’ve been alone. I appreciate that he’s respected my wishes but this feels so awkward, it’s almost impossible to breathe. “Thanks,” I reply and keep my eyes on the red numbers as the elevator descends to the lobby.

 

The only other sound in the elevator besides the ding as we pass each floor is Josh clearing his throat several times and me letting out a sigh of relief when the letter L shows up in front of me.

 

“Well, have fun,” Josh says as he steps out. He doesn’t even look back at me. He just sticks his hand up to wave. 

 

“Yeah, you too,” I say and watch him exit the building before making my way to Nick’s car.

 

I give Nick a little wave and see him smile at me in the window. I take one more glance at Josh who’s still walking towards the parking garage. He shakes his head down at the ground and there’s a part of me that is happy to see him feeling the way I felt for so many months. It’s like the tables have turned, except I’m not screwing him over, I’m just trying to stay happy. I hope he’s learning his lesson.

 

Nick leans over to kiss my cheek when I climb into the car. “You look ravishing.”

 

“Thank you,” I reply and fasten my seatbelt. I take the focus off Josh and put it back on my date for the night. 

 

We go to a little Italian place for dinner that’s near the museum where the party is. While we eat, Nick tells me about his family back home in England. They sound like the perfect family, not like my own. I begin talking about my parents and feel like I need to dig deep to find good things to say about them. Then I start making stuff up about how involved they were in my childhood, making Nick believe my life is perfect. I don’t know why, but I’m unable to open up to him. I feel like if I say the wrong things, he’ll run off in the other direction. Something makes me feel like I’m not good enough for someone like him.

 

After dinner, we head to the museum which is just a block from the restaurant and Nick can tell I’m nervous so he puts his arm around my shoulder and tells me I shouldn’t worry and that his friends will love me. After the attendant takes our jackets, we walk into the dimly lit space surrounded by all different works of art. Nick takes my hand and leads me through the crowd of people to the bar so we can both get a drink. I figure having some liquor will loosen me up a little.

 

A few hours later, I’ve had one too many drinks and I’m laughing hysterically into Nick’s shoulder as one of his friends tells us a joke. When I look up and meet Nick’s eyes with mine, I stop laughing and am overcome with desire for him. The alcohol has brought out a side that I’m not ready to show him yet.

 

“I think we should go back to my place,” I suggest with a whisper. “Right now.” I raise my eyebrows suggestively at him and he’s taken aback at first but wraps fingers around the hair hanging from my shoulders.

 

“Are you sure?” 

 

“Yes,” I look at the watch on Nick’s wrist. 1am. “My roommates are probably asleep.” I lean against him and his hand moves down to my waist. He gets the hint. I hope I’m not pushing him. It’s been over a month since I slept with Josh and my need to be close to someone has taken over me. 

 

Nick guides me out of the museum while saying goodnight to his friends. As we drive to my building, I stare out the window and watch the passing cars, trying not to second guess myself. I may be drunk but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking clearly. What if I sleep with Nick and he walks away in the morning and doesn’t come back? Surely not  every guy can be like Josh. I try not to let it get to me and close my eyes and wait for the moment when I get to feel Nick’s body pressed up against mine. 

 

Josh:

 

My eyes shoot open when I hear birds chirping outside my window and I begin to groan. I finally have a day off and I intend on sleeping in for as long as I can. The last couple days that I’ve had to be on set, the birds have been my alarm clock, greeting me with a friendly whistle, but today, all I want to do is throw a rock at their nest to get them to shut up.

 

I get up to close the window so I don’t have to listen to them anymore and when I crawl back into bed, I put my pillow over my eyes to shut out the world. As much as I want to, I can’t sleep a wink. My mind has been spinning in all sorts of directions since yesterday. 

 

Playing soccer with Sam and a few others helped me release some of the aggression that was buried deep inside, but now that I’m by myself and I have nothing to distract me, I’m left alone with my thoughts. And I hate having to think. Especially about Taylor seeing someone new. Part of me feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to drive me nuts, but in reality, I don’t think she’s as conniving as I was. She has a good heart and just wants to be happy. I don’t blame her.

 

After a half hour of tossing and turning, I decide I can’t just lay around all day. I need to get out and keep myself busy. I send Sam a text message to see if he wants to go hiking or play basketball or something and he responds right away that he’ll meet me downstairs in a little while. 

 

I grab myself something to eat and change into basketball shorts and sneakers before filling up my water bottle and head to the elevator. When the doors open, I’m happy to see that the cart is empty this time and not carrying the girl who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. 

 

When I reach the lobby, Sam isn’t there yet, so I play around on my phone while I wait. A couple fans stop me and ask for a photo and I’m happy to sign some stuff for them. As they’re walking away, I see the elevator doors open and Nick, Suzanne’s assistant and Taylor’s new guy walks out. 

 

He’s wearing a dress shirt and carrying his jacket on his arm. He’s disheveled and unshaven. I know that Taylor went out with him last night and I know that smile on his face. It’s the same one I’d get after spending the night with her when we were together. I immediately feel sick. The bile in my stomach begins to rise into my throat and all I can do is bend over to try to take a deep breath. 

 

I finally know what it feels like to be in Taylor’s shoes. And it’s the worst feeling in the world.


	31. Built a wall around my heart

Taylor:

 

The last two months have gone by so fast. It feels like just yesterday I was leaving to go to Atlanta and now I’m in Hawaii. I can’t believe how beautiful and calming it is here. It’s going to be a nice change of pace during this intense part of filming. Nick had offered to take me to London with him over the Thanksgiving break because I wasn’t too thrilled about going home to spend the holiday with my parents. He wanted me to meet his family, but it felt too soon for me. We weren’t quite ready for that yet and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable being there the whole time, so I turned him down.

 

Being here in Hawaii almost feels like vacation. There has been a lot of down time during the first week, giving Caroline and I time to explore. They’re only taking it easy on us now because the next few weeks will be really tough for everyone. Caroline and I are spending the day at one of the local beaches near the rental house we’re sharing with some other people. I’ve already spotted a few other people from the shoot who are goofing off on the beach and swimming in the ocean, including Josh who is on a paddleboard out past the breaking point. 

 

He’s barely said two words to me since we’ve been here. Actually, it seems like he’s been going out of his way to avoid me. But I still keep a close eye on him, studying his behavior to see how he acts around others. I haven’t seen the asshole side of him come out since I left his hotel room that one night in Atlanta. He’s truly different this time.

 

I’m shuffling my feet in the water out to where it’s just deep enough for it to reach my shoulders when a big wave comes and unexpectedly knocks me under and into some rocks. When I come up for air, I immediately know something is wrong when I put my feet back on the ground. There’s an intense pressure in my lower left leg and I know I need to get out of the water right away, so I hop on one foot towards the shore so I can take a look. 

 

“Taylor are you ok, where are you going?” Caroline hollers.

 

“I don’t know. I think I hurt my leg, I need to sit down for a minute.” When I’m close enough to walk, I put my foot down and immediately fall back into the water. I’m unable to breathe. The pain takes over my whole body and I can’t move a muscle. All I can do is sit in the shallow water and scream. 

 

I’m dizzy and for a moment I feel like I’m going to black out. All these people start surrounding me, asking me if I’m alright, wondering if I got stung by a jellyfish. But I shake my head. I know that’s not it. I’m really hurt. I don’t want to cry so I just tense up and try to touch my leg but the feeling there is gone.

 

“Move! What are you just standing there for? Give her space.” I see Josh push his way past the strangers, telling them to get back.  The next thing I know, he’s lifting me up in his arms. He doesn’t care that we haven’t spoken a word to each other in almost 2 months. “There’s nothing to see here,” he barks at them. 

 

Josh:

 

“I got you. It’s ok.” I whisper to Taylor as I hold her legs up over my elbow. Her left leg is incredibly swollen and there’s a huge gash on the side of it and blood is dripping down onto the sand as I walk. She buries her head into my shoulder and I can feel her whole body shudder in pain. 

 

“Oh my god, is she okay?” Caroline, her roommate, runs up to me as I’m carrying Taylor to a chair where she can sit.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t want to touch her to see if her leg’s broken." I gently put Taylor down in a nearby beach chair and prop it up on the chair that is just next to it. Go call an ambulance,” I instruct Caroline and look over Taylor who is still wincing in pain. She’s trying so hard to not cry in front of me. I sit down beside her and put my hand on her shoulder and begin rubbing her back. “It’s gonna be okay, we’re getting help.”

 

“It hurts so much Josh, I think it’s broken.” Her voice is shaky at first and then she breaks down and starts to cry. 

 

“It’s alright Taylor. I’m not leaving your side til I know you’re okay.” I wrap my arm around her and just let her cry for a while. I wish there was something I could do to help alleviate some of the pain but I’m not a doctor and I don’t want to make her feel worse. “Do you want me to call Nick for you?”

 

She shakes her head and rests her head on my shoulder. She’s still tensed up. “Just tell me when they get here.”

 

“Yeah, no problem.” We’re both quiet for the next ten minutes and I keep her comforted by rubbing my hand up and down her back until she finally starts to relax a little. It feels good to have her seek out comfort through me and not anyone else. I know what I have to do and I know I have a lot that I need to tell her, but now is not the time to do it. I think back to what Sam told me a couple months ago in Atlanta.  “If you sit her down and tell her everything, get it on the table about how you REALLY feel, maybe she’ll come back around.” 

 

“They’re here,” I tell her as I wave to the paramedic who is rushing in his golf cart to where we’re sitting. “Do you want me to go to the hospital with you? Call anyone?”

 

“No. I’ll have Caroline do all that. But thank you Josh. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. I just want you to be okay.” A small smile builds at the corners of my mouth. It feels so good to be able to take care of her the way I want to and for her to even let me. 

 

Taylor

 

“Yeah? Taylor? It’s 2am here, what is it?” Nick answers after the fourth ring. He has obviously been asleep but I didn’t think about the time difference between us. I had to let him know what was going on. He’d be upset if he found out from someone else.

 

“Sorry to call you so late. I broke my leg and I have to go home.”

 

“What?”

 

“I fell in the ocean today and I broke it. I’m at the hospital. They’re saying I’ll be in a cast for 6 weeks. So I need to leave the shoot.” I start tearing up. I only just got to Hawaii and really really wanted to be here to help out with the arena scenes and now I’m going to miss it all. 

 

“Damn. I’m really sorry Taylor. That’s a bummer. I don’t know when I’ll be back in the states so I don’t know when I’ll be able to come see you.”

 

“I know. I just wanted to call and tell you what happened.”

 

“Knock knock,” a familiar voice is at the door and the nurse who is checking my vitals looks up to see who the person is.

 

“Uh, come in.” When I see who my visitor is, my heart begins racing and the heart monitor starts beeping a little faster than normal. “Nick, I have to go. I’ll call you when I get home.” I immediately hang up as Josh walks into the room.

 

“Hi, sorry I didn’t want to interrupt if you were on the phone. But I know visiting hours are almost over. I thought you could use a little pick me up that isn't flowers or balloons. And since hospital food sucks,” he looks at the nurse and smiles, “no offense.”

 

“None taken, I don’t make it honey. Taylor, I'll be back to check on you in a little while," she says as she put my chart down.

 

Josh chuckles. “I wanted to bring you this. It's your favorite.” He hands me a bag from Taco Bell and my mouth begins to water as I smell what’s inside.

 

“Thank you.” I'm starving so I waste no time digging into the bag of food.

 

“How long are you stuck in this place?”

 

“Just until tomorrow. They want to make sure my cut doesn’t get infected. And I’ll be in this cast for about 6 weeks.”

  
  


"So you'll be hobbling around the set on crutches for a while. It will go by fast." He says to try to make me feel better.

 

"There isn’t much I can do around here when I can't walk."

 

"There's a lot you can do, trust me. You can work in the production office. You can give the writers a hand. You always said it would be fun to write some scenes, maybe you can learn something."

 

I shake my head. "No. I already talked to Nina and she told me I need to be home where I can rest. My brother and his fiancé are on their way to get me. They’ll be taking me home tomorrow night."

 

"Oh.” Josh looks disappointed. “What about your parents? Do they know?"

 

"I didn't tell them. I don't need them coming out here. I'll handle them when I get home."

 

"Yeah good idea." He glances at the TV, needing to see what I'm watching. A Boy Meets World rerun. He laughs at something Eric says then he grabs the remote off the table next to me and shuts it off. He walks around the room and looks out the window to see what my view looks like. He seems nervous now, like he’s not sure what to say, or like he’s going through it all in his head.

 

I get nervous myself as I watch him pace around the room, trying to get his thoughts together. I’ve never seen him like this before. "Taylor, I need to talk to you about something."

 

“What is it Josh?” The last time he said that he wanted to talk to me about something was when he was about to break up with me. Now I have no idea what he's doing.

 

“There’s a lot of things that have been left unsaid between us for the last few months. And if I keep any of it bottled up any longer I’ll explode. I just want you to listen and when I’m done, you can say whatever you want.”

 

I take in a deep breath and prepare myself for whatever he's going to say as he sits down in a chair and slides it up next to my bed. There’s a lump in my throat that I know won’t go away no matter how hard I swallow. 

 

“First of all, none of this has to do with you seeing Nick. I see that you’re happy and that’s all I want, is for you to be with someone who makes you happy and makes you feel like you can be yourself. This whole thing is actually about me. 

 

A year and a half ago, I was the person who was known to fall hard and fast for girls. I spent three months thinking that I found the love of my life. Vanessa was, at first, unlike anyone I had ever dated before. She made me believe that she cared for me as much as I did for her. She was a good actress. The day she told me it was over, I realized she was just pretending the entire time to make herself look good for the cameras. She said ‘Josh, I like you but you’re just too nice for me. I can’t be with you anymore.’ That was her excuse. And maybe I  was too nice. I don’t know. I was just being myself the whole time.” He pauses to take a deep breath and I wonder where this is all going.

 

“After we were finished, I was so completely alone. I felt like I had no one at all. Not even my family could be there for me. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing that she was living her life like no big deal when I was hurting so much. There was this void that I felt all the time, but I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship. I was afraid that it would turn out the same way and I’d be rejected again.

 

So I turned into this different person. I went out night after night and turned on the charm and made girls fall for me until they wanted to come back to my place. At first I’d let them stay the night, but waking up to a new face every day became exhausting for me. 

 

As soon as I was done with them, I became this complete jerk so that they would want to leave right after we were done and not come back. I wanted to avoid all that awkward stuff the morning after and didn’t want anyone to get attached. Because if they did, chances are, I would have fallen for them and would have risked the chance of getting my heart broken again.”

 

This is starting to feel like the Twilight Zone. I start to wonder if I’m dying or something and he’s trying to make things right with me before I go. I don’t say anything and he continues. He places his hand on top of mine and I look up into his soft hazel eyes and start to get butterflies in my stomach.

 

“Then when I met you, god, everything changed for me.” He removes his hand from mine because he tends to talk with his hands a lot. “At first, yes, I just wanted to sleep with you. I admit that and I’m not proud of it. But you were different than the other girls. I knew that the first night we ever hung out, when we got high and you started pushing me to tell you about myself. You challenged me. Being with you, I started feeling like my old self again. But I wasn’t ready to let the new me go just yet. I was so confused about everything. And around the time that we started dating each other, I didn’t know what I wanted. 

 

Then I discovered that I actually loved being with you Taylor. I started to develop real feelings for you. And the short time that we were together opened up my eyes and made me feel alive. You could make me laugh like no one else and you were so quick to open up to me and tell me about your deepest darkest secrets. There was never any pressure for me to be someone else around you, because you accepted me, despite all the games I played with you at first. But then we got to LA after the Hunger Games shoot and I felt like I still had this reputation to uphold and I had to go back to being a dick because that’s what people expected of me - which is wrong, I know.

 

I realized I made a mistake when I broke up with you the very next day. I was empty again. But I couldn’t come crawling back and begging you to forgive me because I had already dicked you around too much.

 

Then we saw each other again and you started to let me back in. And when you kissed me on your birthday, all the hope I had for us came back, even though you wanted to go slow and just start as friends. It felt good that we were at that point and we could hang out and do things together and there was no pressure.”

 

I smile when I think back to everything he’s mentioning.

 

“When I was on the press tour for Journey 2, I was  completely wrapped up with Vanessa. I thought maybe there was a chance she could see that I wasn’t just a nice guy anymore and that she’d want something with me again, but I was wrong. It killed me that she didn’t want me like I had played it out in my head. The only comfort I could find from it was hearing your voice. You made me forget about her and I realized I really wanted you and I wanted to be serious about it.”

 

Tears start to pool in my eyes as I remember our long conversations on the phone when he was doing his press tour and the excitement in his voice when we talked about seeing each other again. There was nothing I wanted more than to work on becoming what we once were, but he ruined everything with one little mistake.

 

I speak up. “So what happened when we were supposed to talk about getting together again? I wanted something between us to happen as much, if not more than you did. I was willing to put everything that happened behind me for you. You have no idea what I felt when I saw you with that girl Josh. I don’t even know how I managed to drive home that day.” Now I’m shaking and it’s only adding fuel to Josh’s reaction.

 

“I know how you felt. Don’t think I don’t know how you felt that day." He's angry as if he's now putting me in my place and his eyes become darker and darker. "I felt the same exact way when I saw Nick one morning leaving the condos in Atlanta. I knew he was with you the night before.” His voice cracks and he gets out of his seat and paces around the room again. “It killed me Taylor. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like the world was spinning around me. I was numb inside.”

 

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t make this about Nick," I argue.

 

“Well, I’m sorry. Seeing you with him, the  thought of seeing you with him….” he throws his hands up in the air and groans in frustration. “Son of a bitch, it infuriates me. I should be the one with you, not him.”

 

“Well you screwed that one up didn’t you," I spit, becoming angrier by the second.

 

“Jesus Taylor, did you have to butt in? Look what you're doing to me now. Just let me finish saying what I need to say dammit.” Josh’s cheeks are as red as a tomato as he crosses the room to sit back down.

 

“Fine.” I cross my arms over my chest. If it wasn’t for the cast on my leg and the IV in my wrist, I would have been out of here minutes ago.

 

“I’ve been TRYING to tell you for months and months that that girl you saw me with meant nothing to me. I don’t even remember if I slept with her or not. I was shit faced. I got drunk because I was nervous as fuck about seeing you the next day. Because I was afraid that I’d do something stupid and lose you forever.”  


“Which you did,” I mutter.

 

“Stop talking, for the love of god. I know I did. Okay? I don’t remember her name, how I met her, nothing. She’s not you. She’s not the person who I’ve lost sleep over every night for the last 8 months. You are. You! No one else matters to me. And I wanted so badly to tell you all of this the night you came to my room in Atlanta but it had been so long since I saw you and you were so beautiful and I was still so drunk that I don’t know what happened. I got nervous and acted like a dick again. I don’t know what I can say to you anymore Taylor.” His voice shakes like he’s on the verge of tears.

 

"This whole thing between us has been eating away at me every single day. And every time I see you, it rips me to pieces knowing that I can’t talk to you about stuff I want to talk about, that I can’t hold you the way I want to or kiss you. Because you don’t want to trust me again.

 

But you have to know that I care for you unlike anyone and I  know what I’m feeling for you is real. When I saw you screaming in the water today, my heart stopped. I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that I had to get to you as fast as I could. I was scared to death. All I wanted to do was be there for you, I didn’t care about anything else in the whole world.

 

I’m not going to tell you the same old shit that I've said in the past and beg you to forgive me. I’m not going to apologize to you for being stupid, because I’ve done that enough. And I'm not going to tell you that I’m in love with you because I know you won’t believe it no matter how true it is.”

 

Flashbacks from all the dreams I had about him hit me all at once. Hearing him say that four letter word makes me think this is all a dream. I close my eyes tight, waiting to wake up in my bed. But when I open them, I'm still in the hospital. And Josh is still in front of me, waiting for me to say something back.


	32. I can't hold on for too long

Taylor:

“Please say something. Don’t make me sit here looking like an idiot,” he begs. His desperation is killing me but I don’t know what to say.

Josh has just told me so much and stirred up the small particles of feelings for him that had been settled at the bottom of my heart for so long. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling right now. My brain is saying that I should stick to what I said to him a few months ago, that whatever relationship we have should be professional and nothing more.

But I can’t ignore what’s going on in my heart. All the memories that Josh made me think about, the way he darted to me and helped me earlier today when I needed someone, the way I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him smile at me. I can’t look at him looking at me the way he is right now. He’s just waiting for me to kick him out, I can see it on his face. 

I know that the feelings I once had for him are ten times stronger than what I have for Nick, but what about what I’m feeling for him right now? I can’t give him an answer. The room feels like it’s spinning and the painkillers are starting to wear off and the throbbing in my leg is coming back. 

“Taylor?”

“I....need….time, Josh, to think about everything. I’m going home. And I’m probably not coming back. I’m sorry.”

“Excuse me, sir, visiting hours are over. Taylor needs her rest and the doctor is coming shortly to put on the plaster cast.”

“Okay, just let me say goodbye.” He turns his head away from the nurse and looks back at me and stands up. “I understand you need time.” He leans in and places a kiss on my cheek and brushes a piece of my hair back behind my ear. “But I’ll wait for as long as you need. Nothing is going to change the way feel.”

I nod and watch him walk out the door with his hands in his pockets before the nurse comes back in.

\----2 months later-----

“I never got to thank you for stepping in as my last minute date. Are you having any fun?” 

“Duh, there’s an open bar, of course I am. And what are best friends for?” Courtney takes another sip of her champagne. “I just wish you could dance with me because I’m not about to go look like a fool all by myself.”

I chuckle and watch my brother and Melissa on the dance floor. “Doctor’s orders. I don’t get to wear normal shoes for another couple weeks.” 

My leg is finally out of my cast but I still have to be careful about what I do and I’m not allowed to wear heels for a while. I’m just thankful my brother and new sister-in-law decided to get married in January and that my bridesmaids dress reaches the floor so no one will have to look at my ugly flats.

Courtney notices that I’ve been staring at a couple that my brother is friends with all night. I can’t help but get sappy when I see other people in love these days. “It’s too bad it didn’t work out with Nick. He was really sweet, Tay.”

I shrug my shoulders. Nick and I haven’t spoken since I got back to California. We both agreed that the distance between us was driving us apart and decided to end our relationship. I wasn’t too upset over it. He was a nice guy and everything, but I never really saw fireworks when I was with him and I never felt like I could show him who I really was because I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me.

“Yeah, but I’m happy to be single right now. Boyfriends just complicate things and I need to focus on getting another job and moving out of my parents house. I don’t need a boy to tie up all that space in my brain.”

I see my dad make his way across the floor while a slow song starts playing. He holds his hand out for me and I’m shocked for a moment because I’ve never danced with my father. He and I have never been that close, but our relationship is better than the one I have with my mom.

“When’s the last time you danced with your old dad?”

“Uh, never,” I respond and give Courtney a weird look.

He chuckles and pulls me up to stand. “Come on.” Our family members watching make awww sounds and a few others get up to dance as well as we make our way onto the floor.

“Taylor, I know we’ve had our battles in the past, but your mother and I are very proud of you. I know we haven’t done a good job showing it.”

He twirls me slowly in a circle so I don’t hurt myself. I’m surprised to hear this from him. “Why are you saying this now?”

“I just see how happy your brother is tonight and I’d like you to have the same thing someday. Your mom and I have seen you get your heart broken a lot lately but you’ve managed to come out of it a beautiful and strong young lady. I hope that one day you’ll find someone who will care for you and love you the way he should.”

“Thanks Dad. I don’t know where that guy is, but I’ll keep my eye out and let you know when I find him.”

My mom keeps a close eye on my dad and I as we dance. She must know what we’re talking about because she holds her wine glass up to me and smiles as if she’s agreeing with what my dad has just told me. I return the smile and I have a feeling that in time, my relationship with my parents will get better. They’ll learn to appreciate the life I make for myself and will stop trying to make me into something I’m not. 

When the song is over I make my way back to my table and join Courtney again. As I sit down, my phone that is resting on the table lights up and Nina Jacobson, the producer I worked with on The Hunger Games and Catching Fire’s name is on the screen. I rush outside where it’s quiet to take the call and am surprised to hear a flustered voice on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Please tell me your leg is better. I’m in a bind and I need people.”

“I’m out of my cast. I should be back to normal in a couple weeks. What do you need people for?”

“Francis wants to do reshoots in Hawaii and half of the staff I had in December are working on other projects right now. I need you. Please say you can come?”

She had me the second she said Hawaii. “Uh, when exactly?”

“End of February. It’s only a couple weeks but it will be crazy busy.”

I do need a job and I missed so much with my broken leg. I don’t think twice before I answer her. “I’ll be there. Just send me the flight info and everything.” I don’t realize until I hang up what I’ve just agreed to though. Two long weeks of intense production work in some tropical forest and in the ocean in Hawaii, 16 hour days of being on my feet with a leg that’s still healing, and a lot of time being around Josh. 

In the month and a half since I’ve seen him, I’ve thought about what he said to me every single day. At first I argued with myself about whether or not he was being truthful or not. Now I’m going to have to face him again and I’m pretty sure I know what I want. I just hope he’ll accept what I have to say.

\-----HAWAII, three weeks later-----

“Where are you going? You literally just got here,” Emily, the girl I’m sharing a condo with asks. 

“I have to take care of something. I’ll be back later,” I tell her. I can’t focus on anything else until I find Josh and talk to him. Everything I’ve been wanting to say to him has been eating me up for the last couple months and I know he’s waiting for my response. I want to get to him before he finds out I’m in Hawaii from anyone else.

Since a lot of the cast and crew members are still arriving throughout the day, there aren’t any scheduled activities or production work that needs to be done yet. My first stop is Josh’s rental house, about a ten minute walk from where I’m staying. I heard that he had arrived earlier in the day, I’m just hoping he’s home.

The walk up the small path to his front door seems painstakingly long. I’ve played this out in my head so many times, I can’t even keep track of all the possible scenarios I’m about to live through. I’m so worked up that I’m on the verge of tears but I shake the nerves away and press the button for the doorbell.

There are cars in the driveway and lights are coming through the windows so I know at least someone must be home. The sound of paws clacking against a tile floor come a few seconds after I ring the doorbell followed by a couple loud barks. I smile to myself knowing that Josh has his dog here with him.

The door slowly opens and I’m surprised to meet Michelle’s face. I didn’t expect her to be in Hawaii this time around. She’s stunned to see me standing there. Her eyes widen and a huge smile spreads across her face as she glances down at my foot to see if I’m still in my cast or not. I’m a little relieved to see her again after so long. She has always been so sweet to me and I know how close she is with Josh. She knows him like no one else does. Suddenly the nerves I had been feeling leading up to this point melt away.

“Taylor! What are you doin’ here? Come in! How are you sweetie?"

“I’m okay. I was called back for reshoots so I’ll be here for the next couple weeks. I’m looking for Josh, is he around?”

“Yeah, he’s out back playing ping pong with Connor. He didn’t mention anything about you being here.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t know I’m in Hawaii at all,” I say as I follow her inside.

“Oh he’ll shit a brick when he sees you! He told me what happened to your leg. That must have been awful.”

“Yeah it was. I still need to do a little physical therapy every week but it’s better. Josh is actually the one who got me out of the water when it happened. He was really helpful that day.”

She leads me down a hallway and to the back door of the house. It’s fairly dark outside and there are lights hung above the covered patio area. I hear a ping pong ball go from table to paddle a few times and I know in just a few seconds, I’ll come face to face with Josh again. ‘I can do this. Just breathe and say what’s in your heart,’ I tell myself.

Josh:

“Oh. Holy shit.” Connor surprisingly stops mid-serve and looks at the door. “Hey!” He offers up a friendly smile to the person he’s speaking to and my eyes follow the direction of his. I have to do a double take when I see Taylor standing in the doorway with my mom just behind her. I swear this all has to be a dream and I want to pinch myself so I’ll wake up. I snap out of it when I hear her voice.

“Hi,” she smiles at him and waves before looking at me. She’s nervous, chewing on her bottom lip and fumbles with the sweater covering her shoulders. Immediately my hands begin to tremble and the only thing I can think to do is hug her. So I walk up to her and without saying a word, I wrap my arms around her and breathe in her familiar vanilla scented perfume. Her body is warm and soft against mine and there’s a feeling that rushes through me that I never want to let go of. 

“My god. Wha….I….what are you doing here?”

She returns the hug, wrapping her arms around my waist and patting my back. “Can we go somewhere and talk?” she asks as she's pulling away.

Taylor is here. She’s actually fucking here and she wants to talk. She’s had so much time to think about everything I said to her. I don’t know what her response will be. I’ve thought about that a lot, but I can’t think of anything else at the moment except the way my heart races when I’m around her.

“Yeah.” I put my paddle down on the table and pat Connor on the shoulder. “I’ll be back.” 

“I didn’t even know you were going to be here, in Hawaii. I thought you were still home. I’m so shocked to see you, but happy you’re here.”

“Yeah, Nina called me and asked me to come back now that I can walk again.” 

I lead her down a few small steps and onto the small beach just behind my house. It’s getting dark outside but it’s still light enough so that we can see where we’re going. Driver is quick to tag along with us when he figures out that I’m going somewhere. 

“How is your leg anyway?” 

“It’s better for the most part. Still hurts when it rains and I have to do physical therapy every week, but at least I’m not on crutches anymore. I’m definitely not planning on going swimming while I’m here. That’s for sure.”

Driver runs ahead of us onto the sand and begins prancing around trying to impress Taylor. She sits down so she can watch him and pulls me by the leg of my shorts so I can sit with her. I’m nervous, but I know that after this conversation is over, no matter the outcome, I’ll finally know what’s been going on in that head of hers the last few months.

I chuckle and scratch Driver’s back as he’s sniffing Taylor. “I think he likes you.”

She laughs at his cold nose and rubs between his ears. “He’s really sweet, Josh.”

“Yeah he’s a good boy.” We don’t say anything else and I finally take a deep breath after a minute and say the first thing I can think of to break the silence. “So, how’s Nick these days?”

“We’re not together anymore. I didn’t come here to talk about him anyway.” A small weight lifts off my shoulders when I discover she no longer has another guy in her life.

“Ok, then what is it?”

She gives Driver another pat on the head and turns towards me. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything you told me the last time we saw each other.” 

“Oh. And what do you think about what I said?”

“I can’t keep ignoring you and pretending like what we had didn’t happen. We definitely had something, Josh. The short time we had together was real for me. It felt more real than any other relationship I’ve had. I was really hurt by everything you did and all the things you didn’t tell me in the beginning, but something inside me makes me want to look past it and trust you again.

I’ve realized that I can’t be myself when I’m not around you. I feel like I have to put on this act in front of other people because I’m always feeling judged. But with you, you accept every part of who I am, no questions asked. As much as I hate to admit it, you’re...actually good for me. You support my decisions and push me to do things I don’t know I’m capable of doing. And I need someone like that.”

She gazes up at me for a moment then watches Driver who is digging a hole in the sand. I'm met with a crazy rush of adrenaline and I don't know if I want to kiss her or do a cartwheel, but she puts her hand over mine when a smile spreads on my face.

“However, I’m not ready to be with you. I feel like we’ve both changed so much in the last year, I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

My heart falls into my stomach and I let out a shaky breath. What she’s saying doesn’t sound good to me. Of course she knows who I am. And if she doesn’t then I’ll gladly show her that I’m not the same guy I once was. I want to interject but I let her go on.

Her hand doesn’t leave mine and she gently squeezes it to reassure me that she has made up her mind. “Don’t take it the wrong way, Josh. If I said I didn’t care about you, I’d be lying. I never stopped caring about you. And I know I want you in my life somehow. You have a good heart, even though you don’t always listen to it. 

I know you want a relationship again. I can see it on your face that you want to give me your heart, but I’m honestly not ready to give you that part of me yet. It’s going to take a lot of time for me to get to that point.”

“I understand.” I swallow hard and watch Driver continue running around.

“You shouldn’t have to wait for me to be ready for that step, because it will just drive you crazy and I don’t know when I’ll be ready. You have a lot of love to give to someone. I just don’t think that person is me right now.” She nudges me with her shoulder. “If you find that there’s someone who makes you happy and that you want to be with, then you should be with that person. There’s no use waiting for me.”

“So what are you saying? I should move on? What if I can’t?”

“You can and you’ll be happy. And as you and I go, I’m willing, if you are, to start over and be friends again. So we can get to a place where we both trust each other and have a healthy relationship if we ever get to that point.”

“And this is what you really want? To be friends even though you know I meant it when I said I love you?”

“Yes. Believe me, we’re not there yet. You’ll thank me for this someday. I promise.”

Driver runs up and drops a stick he found in Taylor’s lap and huffs at her so she’ll throw it. She laughs at him and stands up, using my knee to push herself up. As I watch her play with him, I still know that what I feel for her is real, that I’m genuinely in love with her and her carefree spirit. There’s nothing I want more than to be with her right now. But she needs time and I can accept that. There is still hope, that in the future, we will become something more, but for now I’d rather have her in my life as just a friend than not at all.

I only hope that she’ll realize that I’m a completely different person now and that everything that happened in the past was a result of me not knowing what I wanted. But now I know for a fact that she’s what I want and that even if I find someone to take her place while I’m waiting for her, that no one will make me feel the way I feel when I’m with her.


	33. Epilogue

\----Paris----

Taylor:

Three raps on my door come not long after I’m settled into my room. I turn towards the entry way after admiring my view of the city for the last few minutes. I’m thankful that I’m not here working as a production assistant and that I’ll have time to see the sights a little.

I’ve been working closely with screenwriters for the last few months trying to get the script for the second Mockingjay movie perfect. Now that the film is in production mode, I’m in Paris to help whenever I can when it comes to the script. I never thought in a million years that I’d end up in a place like this. It’s like a dream to be here and there’s one person I have to thank for helping me get to this point. And he’s standing on the other side of my door.

“Good morning!” His voice is full of pure excitement. It’s nice to see him so happy for a change. The last time I saw him he wasn’t quite himself. He let himself fall for someone who was no good for him in an effort to distract himself from waiting for me to be ready for us to take the next step. It took a long time for us to get to where we are now. When he told me a few months ago about what happened with his girlfriend is when things started to change for me.

“So have you seen your woman since you’re over there for the premiere?”

“No, Taylor. It’s over.” He didn’t even sound too distraught over it.

“Oh. I’m sorry. What happened?”

“Don’t be sorry. It just didn’t work out, I guess. I was never really in it wholeheartedly, I’m sure you know that. I wasn’t ever really happy with her. She was just a….”

I nod my head. “Distraction, I know, Josh.”

“Anyway, I told her it was over when I heard you were going to be in Paris. I just figured since you and I would be together a lot...I don’t know, I can’t stop thinking about you Taylor. I can’t be happy with anyone else, I’ve tried.”

“We’ll talk about it when we’re in Paris. I promise.”

My insides are now spiraling out of control. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since that phone call we had. Whenever we would hang out, it felt so comfortable between us, like our past was completely behind us. I even went to Kentucky with him for his big Fourth of July bash because his extended family kept nagging Josh about meeting me. They knew when they saw us together that Josh’s long distance relationship overseas wasn’t going to last too much longer. It was all a matter of me being ready to be with him.

“Hi!” I respond, wrapping my arms around his neck. It feels weird to be able to finally touch him after not seeing him for a few months. I’m almost certain he can hear my heart racing. “Come in, I just need to change my shoes.”

“Well, hurry up, we have a lot to see,” he replies, stepping inside after me. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

“Hold your horses. We’re going to be walking a lot, I don’t want to be uncomfortable.” I hold onto his arm for balance as I slip on a comfortable pair of shoes. 

“Oh, of course. We wouldn’t want that.” He looks around my hotel room as I’m tying my shoe. “You’re all by yourself here?”

“Yeah, I have a more important job, better digs this time, no roommate to share my bathroom with. It’s nice." I smile at him and stand up.

“Nice. Alright, you ready now? Versailles is 30 minutes away and I want to beat the bus loads of tourists.”

“You’re such an old man sometimes. Let's go,” I chuckle and pinch his arm and lead the way out the door.

We spend the car ride to Versailles taking in the city that surrounds us and getting used to being in each other’s presence again. It’s a little weird that his bodyguard, Tyrone, is in the car with us, but he has to be with Josh when he’s in public these days. I keep catching Josh out of the corner of my eye staring at me as I look at the city from the car window. 

“Stop that,” I tell him with my face still against the window.

“Sorry, I’m just excited to see you, that’s all. It’s been so long.”

“I know. When you’re busy, you’re busy. But now you’re stuck with me until June so…”

“That’s not a bad thing,” he comments and I glance at him. “And we’ll finally get to talk about...stuff.” 

I nod in agreement. We have a lot of stuff to talk about. He has no idea what I’m feeling. I want to tell him everything right now but I don’t feel comfortable about it because we’re not alone. “Yeah, eventually, when we get a minute to ourselves.” I nod to the front seat where Tyrone is sitting, glancing out the window.

Josh understands and nods his head then leans in close to whisper in my ear. “Just so you know, my feelings for you haven’t changed.”

“I know.” My spine tingles with his close proximity and I’m glad I’m wearing a coat so he can’t see the goosebumps on my skin. 

\--------

We’ve spent a good four hours taking a guided tour of the Palace of Versailles and the grounds that surround it. It’s a beautiful place that is so full of history and I’m loving it here but I’m becoming exhausted as the day progresses. Our tour guide is in the middle of telling us about the details on the ceiling in the Hall of Mirrors. I’m not paying much attention to what he’s saying because my eyes are fixated on Josh. He’s looking up at the beautiful artwork above us, almost in a trance and doesn’t realize at first that I’m looking at him instead of our surroundings. I watch him lick his lips and my breath hitches in my chest when I remember how those lips once tasted.  
When he catches me watching him, I play it off at first like I wasn’t doing it, feeling my cheeks burn, and look up at the ceiling, acting extremely interested in its beauty. I see him smile out of the corner of my eye as the tour guide begins leading the group further along. Josh looks at his feet and chuckles to himself as he follows Tyrone and the rest of the group.  
“Wait, Josh…” I pull him by the arm and he stops walking.

“Yeah?” His eyes meet mine, squinting in the sunlight casting into the room.

I’m so nervous that I’m shaking, but I don’t know of a better time to do this. I put my hand on his cheek and rub my thumb back and forth over it. He looks at me strangely and puts his hand over mine.

“You said your feelings for me haven’t changed. And I know that. But I have to tell you that my feelings for you have changed, a lot. Especially in the last couple months.”

“They have?” he asks and I nod as I take a deep breath before sealing my mouth over his.

I hear him gasp at first, but he doesn’t hesitate in reciprocating the kiss. He doesn’t care that there may be people watching who have cameras and are probably snapping our photo. He’s in the moment, his hands on either side of my face, his body leaning closer to mine, his tongue cautiously easing its way into my mouth. I want this. I want to feel this exact feeling every single day for the rest of my life. 

There’s no denying that I can see myself falling in love with him someday. I may not be ready to tell him I love him right now but I know I can get there if we take things slow. What happened between us before this moment is in the past and I’ve forgotten so much about who he was when I first met him, he’s not that guy anymore. 

I know him only as the person he is right now and I love who he is. He’s so smart and compassionate and has the most incredible way of looking at life. He teaches me things every day and I hope we’ll continue learning from each other. I know that there’s nothing I want more than to be with him.

I pull away and study his expression. His cheeks have turned a light shade of red and he can’t stop smiling. “Josh, I’m ready for something to happen between us again. I want to go slow, but I want to be with you so bad.” 

Josh smiles before grabbing my face and kissing me again. I drop my purse on the ground so I can wrap my arms around him to draw him even closer to me. This feels so right, being wrapped up in him. I know he’s going to give this his all, just from the way he kisses me. He places his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. “This is all I wanted for the last year. I’m not going to let you get away this time. I was so stupid for everything before.”

“Shhh, it doesn’t matter what happened before. Okay? We’re past all of that. I only care about who we are right now.”

“Excusez moi, love birds we need to move along on the tour,” our tour guide startles us and we break apart. A few people in our tour group are smiling at us and some are giving us a nasty look. Others are taking photos but Josh doesn’t care. He wraps his arm around my shoulder, proud to let the world know that I am finally his.


End file.
